I was really rude and possibly discriminatory to my boss. What should I do?

[Iottie]

NC.

I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

My boss is extremely right wing. He was saying how he supported the ruling, it should have never been made in the first place, life begins at conception, bla bla bla etc.

I am the only woman on the team and I was getting more and more irate. I blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember exactly but it was something along the lines of:

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

There was a really awkward silence before we moved onto another topic.

Right, so I could have been more polite and nuanced in my point, but now I am terrified I discriminated against him by referencing his sexuality.

I know I really shouldn’t have mentioned it - I could have said the same thing without bringing it up but I just got more and more wound up by a bunch of men agreeing with each other instigated by him.

As I mentioned my boss is really right wing so I don’t think he’d report me for being discriminatory as he calls diversity and inclusion bollocks anyway. But if he does I know I could be in big trouble.

What do I do? I don’t know if I should message him apologising but that might just bring more attention to it…?

So it wasn't a mistake - you actually do believe that as a gay man he has less right to have an opinion than a straight man does?

That is discriminatory, and it is also wrong.

Because as well as being offensive, you're also implying that heterosexual men should have rights over pregnant women's bodies.

Which is also stupid and wrong.

It was relevent to your point.
He is not female so will never have to make that decision.
He is gay so will never impregnate a woman and not want a child.

You weren't saying urgh you're gay.

You were making the point that he will never be in the situation.

I agree, dont qpologise.
As a right wing man, would he like to pay more tax to fund childcare? Would he vote for that? Bet he wouldn't. Just absolute entitlement that women bare the costs in a two fold way, less freedom to earn as well as the expense of raising a child.

I’m not convinced that what you said was discriminatory and I’m pretty sure I’d have struggled not to say the same thing myself.
If he’s as right wing as you think he should at least be supportive of freedom of speech and he’s possibly used to women calling him out.
I think you should stand by what you said (as it’s true) and if you’re having political conversations in work they ought to be honest and open.

@TeapotTitties As soon as I posted that I realised it was wrong. Looking back he has mentioned that he and his partner would like a child one day so maybe it hit a sore spot.

He introduced the topic and gave his personal views in a strident & provocative matter so I think he'd be viewed poorly by HR. I doubt he'd take it further.

If there is a repeat I think I'd address it by saying "We can discuss ideology in the round but we should not veer in to our personal views in work. Your opinions are just that."

FWIW I don't think his sexuality should have been referenced simply because I don't think heterosexual men should get a say either.

Nor will any heterosexual man ever be in this situation. It was a needless reference to his sexuality. No men get pregnant or will ever need an abortion.

Heterosexual men do often say they should have a say though.

They're wrong, imo. But it is true that there are men who get a woman pregnant and think they get to decide what happens and as a gay man he will never be in that situation.

They are wrong.

By saying that a gay man has less right to an opinion, she is also saying that a straight/bi man does have the right.

So she's not only being discriminatory but also playing straight into the hands of men's rights activists.

Well you're not alone.

@IncompleteSenten has just said He is gay so will never impregnate a woman and not want a child.

The ignorance here is breathtaking.

And in response to @TeapotTitties , gay men can be fathers but it's a desired outcome, not qn unwanted pregnancy
They don't have to face that.

@FatFilledTrottyPuss He is very culturally conservative (maybe not right wing per se - he actually despises the Conservatives). He definitely supports freedom of speech very strongly. It’s not the only controversial topic he has brought up, I know he is against gay marriage for one. I normally find him interesting to talk to as he’s quite unusual.

I am going to leave it, I won’t say anything and I’m going to get back to my work now. I’m going to be on another call with him this afternoon so hopefully there is no awkwardness there…

Are you me? I’d would definitely have said something similar and then been a bit worried I’d be in trouble but equally feel I’d done nothing wrong.

If he’s so right wing he’s completely anti abortion, thinks he can spout that crap off to a female employee, but then thinks he has the right to have a baby by surrogate, he would be most detestable and I doubt he’d get much support at work.

In either case I doubt there’ll be any comeback on OP.

Where has the OP said he introduced the topic?

She said I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

How did he and the others react??

His sexuality isn't irrelevant, he won't be in the situation of a gf wanting an abortion. Many men use the argument that they want a say in any children conceived, he hasn't got that argument. If he used a surrogate, she wouldn't be getting an abortion for any other reason but medical. Some gay men use IVF etc with their surrogates, which hasn't really been discussed because IVF creates life and then we destroy what embryos we don't want.
I think it's best to stick to the points about the removal of maternity/miscarriage/ectopic care and discuss the availability of contraception. Don't apologise, forced birth is horrific.

Rubbish. What if the surrogate suddenly decides to abort?

She'd obviously have every right to do that despite promising to have a baby for the gay couple.

It's so dismissive to claim abortion can never affect gay men.

But that’s not relevant the context of an unwanted pregnancy, or a pregnancy with complications that make termination the best option. In the first instance pregnancy would be planned and in the second he’d have no emotional attachment to the surrogate.

You shouldn't have brought his sexuality into it as it's irrelevant anyway

How is his sexuality irrelevant? The fact he is gay means he is very unlikely to ever be personally affected by abortion considering he's unlikely to get any women pregnant. It's entirely relevant and entirely reasonable to question what the fuck it is to him what women do with their bodies especially considering he can't even argue that it's "his baby being murdered" or whatever other trope.

His sexuality isn't irrelevant, he won't be in the situation of a gf wanting an abortion. Many men use the argument that they want a say in any children conceived, he hasn't got that argument

Well done to you and op for supporting this misogynist, dangerous bullshit.

I said he will never impregnate a woman and not want a child

You do understand that what I am saying is that if he impregnates a woman it will be because he wants a child, right? So he won't get a woman pregnant then try to force her to abort.

Is that incorrect? In what way? If I am ignorant then please correct me as it is not my intention to discriminate.

I simply assume that any gay man who gets a woman pregnant does so intentionally and not as an unwanted result of shagging her.

If I am wrong in that I will unreservedly apologise.

Exactly.

So you think that men should have a say in whether their partners terminate a pregnancy or not?

@TeapotTitties - ah you are quite right. The Op doesn't say he brought it up.