I was really rude and possibly discriminatory to my boss. What should I do?

[Iottie]

NC.

I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

My boss is extremely right wing. He was saying how he supported the ruling, it should have never been made in the first place, life begins at conception, bla bla bla etc.

I am the only woman on the team and I was getting more and more irate. I blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember exactly but it was something along the lines of:

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

There was a really awkward silence before we moved onto another topic.

Right, so I could have been more polite and nuanced in my point, but now I am terrified I discriminated against him by referencing his sexuality.

I know I really shouldn’t have mentioned it - I could have said the same thing without bringing it up but I just got more and more wound up by a bunch of men agreeing with each other instigated by him.

As I mentioned my boss is really right wing so I don’t think he’d report me for being discriminatory as he calls diversity and inclusion bollocks anyway. But if he does I know I could be in big trouble.

What do I do? I don’t know if I should message him apologising but that might just bring more attention to it…?

What you are doing is saying that a straight man who gets a woman pregnant should be able to control whether or not she has an abortion.

My post should say he's unlikely to get any women accidentally pregnant. Surrogates and whatever else are a different kettle of fish.

"I normally find him interesting to talk to as he’s quite unusual."

The same was said about all cult leaders and quite a few dictators.

Lots of people in the US saying that abortion should be illegal because a supply of babies for adoption is needed - he's probably one of those

If you’re on another call with him 1-1 I’d apologise for the discussion getting so heated and losing my temper and making personal remarks directed against him. I wouldn’t apologise for my views, but I’d apologise for the expression.

If it’s not a 1-1 call, I’d message or email the same beforehand.

I think it’s important to acknowledge you shouldn’t have made the general discussion personal, but you can add that “as he can perhaps imagine” the topic feels very urgent to a woman and in an all-make environment that spilled over.

Saying that some men argue this is not the same thing as saying that you support them on saying it.

You can recognise that people say all sorts of things - the earth is flat, the queen is a lizard, olives taste lovely... and make all sorts of arguments without agreeing that they are right.

I disagree. Why should a gay man have a say over women’s bodies?

Straight men shouldn’t either, but they are more affected if their wives or girlfriends are pregnant and want an abortion.

So while they shouldn’t be allowed to dictate what they woman does, they are more entitled to an opinion on the situation than someone whose only option is surrogacy (a controversial issue anyway).

In the UK, most people are going to side against the man trying to push his anti women’s rights propaganda on to a woman. The fact she mentioned his sexuality is a much smaller issue.

What you are doing is saying that a straight man who gets a woman pregnant should be able to control whether or not she has an abortion

I don't think that's true.

But straight men use the argument that the baby is theirs so he should have a say (not saying I agree with that at all but it's an argument that's used by straight men).

A gay man doesn't even have that argument because he's not getting women accidentally pregnant. He is not affected personally in any way by abortion laws.

It's irrelevant because the OP told him he would never be affected by abortion.

That's wrong considering this is 2022 and gay men can be just as affected by it as straight men (as I've repeatedly pointed out).

Of course he (nor any other man) has no rights over a woman's body whether he's gay or straight.

I'm not sure I can make it any clearer?

He shouldn't have been talking about this anyway, and as a manager he should have had the sensitivity to understand that you were the only woman in the team.

Despite some of the odd posts above trying to make out otherwise, abortion is a WOMEN'S issue. Yes it might have an impact on other people, but trying to suggest its as relevant to gay men as it is to women is actually quite offensive.

Where did I say that?

You screenshot where I said that I believe men should have that right and I will donate £1000 to the charity of your choice.

@1000Pieces, that's isn't what's being said. But it's an argument used by many straight men and in a political discussion space, would have to be considered, even to just be dismissed.

Gay men can be just as affected by abortion as straight men? Give over.

The only problematic issue could be if you outed him as being gay to his colleagues. Is it public knowledge that he's gay because if he isn't then that could be an issue. If not, then don't apologise but take it as a learning experience.

By saying that a gay man has fewer rights to an opinion than a straight man, yes, you absolutely are supporting that argument.

No man has the right to say what a woman does with a pregnancy. Gay or straight. Zero.

I’m guessing the chances of a gay man being involved in an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy are going to be slim

This thread is weird. So much professional offence-taking.

Not when it comes to their right to abort their babies.

They have that right whether they're surrogates or not and whether the father is gay or straight.

"He calls diversity and inclusion bollocks"

Oh dear god, what an awful human being to be working for. I don't think you said anything wrong there, I too work with mostly men and listening to them speak sometimes I often have to interject to defend woman from their biased views 🤦‍♀️

No. What op has done, and what you do by backing her up, is to support that dangerous, misogynist idea. Straight men have no more rights over pregnant women's bodies than gay men do. Men don't get pregnant .

More rubbish. Have you never heard of a surrogate changing her mind?

So then what difference does it make whether he is gay or straight?

It would have been enough to say as he is a man.

I'd try and clear the air without putting anything into writing that admits what you said or apologies.

So something like "this morning's debate got a little heated for first thing on a Monday.
It is something that stirs up difficult emotions in many of us.
I hope we can move on professionally and perhaps agree it is a subject best avoided in future.

Best wishes

Despite some of the odd posts above trying to make out otherwise, abortion is a WOMEN'S issue. Yes it might have an impact on other people, but trying to suggest its as relevant to gay men as it is to women is actually quite offensive.

I don't think you've quite understood the argument here, which is that it can be as 'relevant' to gay men as it is to straight men so the OP was out of order to bring up the fact he's gay.