I was really rude and possibly discriminatory to my boss. What should I do?

[Iottie]

NC.

I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

My boss is extremely right wing. He was saying how he supported the ruling, it should have never been made in the first place, life begins at conception, bla bla bla etc.

I am the only woman on the team and I was getting more and more irate. I blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember exactly but it was something along the lines of:

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

There was a really awkward silence before we moved onto another topic.

Right, so I could have been more polite and nuanced in my point, but now I am terrified I discriminated against him by referencing his sexuality.

I know I really shouldn’t have mentioned it - I could have said the same thing without bringing it up but I just got more and more wound up by a bunch of men agreeing with each other instigated by him.

As I mentioned my boss is really right wing so I don’t think he’d report me for being discriminatory as he calls diversity and inclusion bollocks anyway. But if he does I know I could be in big trouble.

What do I do? I don’t know if I should message him apologising but that might just bring more attention to it…?

Wow this is such an interesting and disturbing point. Do you think this is a thing?

And indeed his view that life begins at conception is not really compatible with using IVF with a surrogate.

Why? Why think about them at all? It’s a Women’s issue.

I must ask my gay friend about those women he impregnated who subsequently aborted them.

oh…hang on.

So he will use a woman as a vehicle for his baby? He really is a twat.

Oh he's a complete and utter twat.

That doesn't make what the OP said any less discriminatory though.

Sure, you are right, it is possible that a gay man might be affected by a surrogate aborting a baby, but I agree with other posters this is not really a thing/ vanishingly rare in practice.

There are a number of gay men who have been very loudly campaigning to reduce regulation around surrogacy so that it is easier for them to have a family. I’d imagine that the inevitable outcome of banning abortion, i.e., more babies available for adoption, is also going to be welcome news to some (not all) of these campaigners.

So still just a cunt then? I don't know how else to describe people who think a woman should be forced to have a baby she doesn't want so that gay couples have more to choose from when adopting 🤢

Yes this is probably the best you can do.

Pop your head round the door, have a quiet one to one along the lines of your point was valid but you were sorry to bring his sexuality into the discussion. Job done. No need to make more of this than a robust discussion.

If only you had left the word "gay" out of it...

She brought up his sexuality and basically told him his opinion counts for zero because he's gay.

She didn’t. She said it wouldn’t affect him which is true.

I think he's sexuality is very relevant here, as in he is in a demographic unaffected. Coming straight after "What's it to you?" It was obvious that was what you meant.

It's not necessarily true and that's what made it discriminatory.

Is it discriminatory thought? She is right, it doesn't affect him and men should have no say on women's bodies.

Can't see you've done much wrong.

Good for you.

I'd agree with that.

I'd also agree with the suggestion to say in private that whilst acknowledging what you said was out of order, you'd prefer it if he left his own prejudices out of work meetings.

Gay and far right...enough said. I find that totally contradictory.

Another vote for don't apologise. If pulled up on it just say that the whole conversation was incredibly triggering for you and that him bringing up his beliefs in a works meeting was upsetting for you. His sexuality is protected, but don't forget that so is your sex.

Is it discriminatory thought? She is right, it doesn't affect him and men should have no say on women's bodies.

Of course men should have no say over women's bodies.

Are you saying no gay men are fathers? Gay men can and do father children, therefore it's just as 'relevant' to them as it is to heterosexual men.

I wouldn't worry about it.

It's really unlikely that he is going to report you as he will then have to admit what he said first.

I can't imagine his view on abortion is going to go down well with anyone higher up!

Misses the point but how can you be extremely right wing and gay?

I don't think you said anything discriminatory and he'd be mad to try and say you did when a meeting he was leading descended to that.

I think he sounds a total idiot and I disagree completely with his shitty opinion.

But I do think you’re on shaky ground, and I’d advise you to contact HR just in case. If he’d also been appalled at the Roe Vs Wade ruling, would you still have said his opinion as a gay man was irrelevant?

I'm sure the surrogate market in the States is going to tank now 😂

Don't apologise for what you said, not even the reference to his sexuality, and not for getting mad. If only more women got mad at men in public for spouting misogynistic crap we might get somewhere in getting it through mens heads to actually consider women as equal human beings. We really need to stop being kind and playing according to the mens rules.

I can't imagine his view on abortion is going to go down well with anyone higher up!

True, and I doubt many of the other men in the meeting were agreeing with him. If he does report, he’ll have to say how the discussion went which wouldn’t show him in a good light.