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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He cheated and she’s gorgeous

219 replies

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
4NonBlondes2022 · 01/07/2022 04:51

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

Wish I could help but trying to comfort my friend, she's really stunned and confused after reading that, and doesn't know what to do when she eventually stops crying.

Windypants21 · 01/07/2022 06:12

Some men will like to keep you onboard until they know for sure their main object of desire is definitely not up for grabs. If this ow desides to hop aboard his miserable train then he will drop you like a hot potato. Sorry if that sounds brutal but that's the reality. Especially if he is kissing her. So run ..... as far away from this misery man as you possibly can.

FWIW young and beautiful doesnt equate to happiness...think Johnny Depp Amber Heard. I think Vanessa Paradis probably takes some pleasure from that.

AbreathofFrenchair · 01/07/2022 06:13

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

It's been six months. He's cheated on his wife and cheated on you with the same person.

Personally I'd end it. He wont change, he's already proved that.

4NonBlondes2022 · 01/07/2022 06:35

I've never been told any of that. Says he loves me and there's nobody else. Insists.

4NonBlondes2022 · 01/07/2022 06:41

OVER 20 YEARS. It's a bit more than 6 MONTHS. Practically 34/7 for many many years.

4NonBlondes2022 · 01/07/2022 06:43

Weeks? 😭💔🥺. 20+ YEARS 24/7. Yeah easy to walk away

Blowthemandown · 01/07/2022 07:07

Continental greeting kiss or actual snog? In first case - ok. Second case - not ok. He’s asked you to go away with him which is promising - he could have just not asked and then picked up with her. Can you go with him without giving up your work etc?

TenRedThings · 01/07/2022 08:10

If either you or him have a British passport you will not be able to visit Sicily for longer than 3 months thanks to Brexit misses point of thread.

RainCoffeeBook · 01/07/2022 08:19

You've only been seeing this loser for 6 months. Why are you letting him take up any of your headspace? He thinks you're a vulnerable doormat who'll put up with anything. Show him he's wrong.

FlippityFlapperty · 01/07/2022 11:33

You deal with the problem by understanding what the problem actually is. It’s not your weight and it’s not your looks and it’s not your jealousy. It is the fact that he’s a cheat. He cheated on his wife with this woman and he’s just cheated on you with her. He’s told you he still has strong feelings for her. The only reason he’s not with her is because he can’t get her to commit. Take control of this situation and end it. He can’t be trusted and he’s not committed.

frenchmanicure41 · 01/07/2022 11:37

@Talos how are you doing today? Have you decided what you will do?

4NonBlondes2022 · 05/07/2022 05:05

Italy. Thought we'd go there someday together. Not chasing after one, other one following, leaving me here with all your stuff but no you.

Talos · 05/07/2022 10:09

Hi

So I decided to cool it off.

ive booked myself into a 5 star spa for this weekend and am taking all of your advice to focus on me a bit

obviously I have repulsively low self esteem. F knows why - prob a crappy dad, a crappy first husband and my taste in men SUCKS!!

strangely I’m a womens rights activist, a CEO of my own business and I have a really cool life, yet I am a sap when it comes to men. Needy, pathetic, weakling. I’m ashamed of myself, I hate being alone and I know that’s not healthy.

re the guy - I’ve stopped caring so much, I’ve backed off almost completely and whilst I haven’t managed to knock it on the head entirely, I’ve really listened to you all. He is def chasing this other person - I hope they’re delightfully happy together. ;)

OP posts:
Talos · 05/07/2022 10:12

Snog and most likely sex as they went back to his place from a pub

OP posts:
ChagSameachDoreen · 05/07/2022 10:49

Have some self respect and leave this absolute clown of a man.

Spohn · 05/07/2022 11:41

@4NonBlondes2022 are you on the right thread? Your posts make zero sense, are they here by accident?

Talos · 05/07/2022 17:21

Agree with that …

OP posts:
Caughthimoutmyself · 28/02/2023 00:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ConcordeOoter · 28/02/2023 00:41

She's been the OW once, she'll be the OW again or he'll find a plan B.

If you're not going to judge him for previous affair, which I understand, at least see what's going on currently as a great big flashing pink neon sign saying "nope!"

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