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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He cheated and she’s gorgeous

219 replies

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Blinkingbatshit · 27/06/2022 09:54

Oh I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation - at least you’ve only wasted 6 months on him, not 6 years!! You really need to move on with your life without him, there will only be more heartbreak (yours) if you cling on.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2022 09:55

He’s not good enough for you

Dump him and find someone who adores only you

Amid · 27/06/2022 09:55

He cheated on his ex and he's cheated in you.

There is nothing wrong with you - you do not have to change to please / keep a man.

Pick your self esteem off the floor and break up with the lying, cheating arsehole.

calliopea · 27/06/2022 09:55

You would obviously dump him?

Badgirlgonegood · 27/06/2022 09:55

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

would It be ok if you though she was ugly?

Also what does seeing a guy mean? Does he view you as his actual partner? When I was younger and single, seeing wasn’t official. It was like shagging/dating.

maddening · 27/06/2022 09:56

He likes the thrill of cheating, you are required to facilitate this, he does not care about you and is prepared to make you move your life to Italy for his ego boost - this is how little he cares about you.

You are worth more than this, take back the power and tell the fucker to do one.

MigsandTiggs · 27/06/2022 09:56

Quote
"Some men will never cheat but there's no such thing as a man who will only cheat once".

AngelHead · 27/06/2022 09:57

Dump him. The only reason he isn't with her now is because she didn't take him.

Whodoiwanttobe · 27/06/2022 09:57

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

He cheated on his wife with her and now he’s cheated on you with her. Leave him.. he’s an arsehole.

maddening · 27/06/2022 09:59

Ps anything he says is lies, he is a charmer, don't be charmed, if he was any more than a mediocre prick he would not need to charm and cheat.

Rosehugger · 27/06/2022 09:59

He likes to keep you both as an option I'd say. Player.

CallOnMe · 27/06/2022 09:59

If I was going to get cheated on I’d rather the women was gorgeous as I’d find it even more of a slap in the face if he ruined our relationship over someone ugly that he wasn’t he that attracted to.

But this is so much more than her looks.
He is in love with her and you can never compete with that.

He is waiting for her to give him the go ahead and he’ll be with her.
He is just using you (and anyone else) until the day that he hopes she says she wants to be with him.

Don’t let him waste your time because you’ll look back and be so annoyed that you saw it coming but still stuck around.

HundredAcreW00d · 27/06/2022 09:59

The only weight you need to lose is him. Hes a cheater and a liar.

Your weight or looks are not the problem. The problem is you are not her. And never will be. She was so special to him that he left his wife for her. He sacrificed his entire family for her and she left him and he STILL kissed her and risked losing you. You can't and shouldnt want to compete with her. You will never win.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 27/06/2022 10:00

I think that you should throw this one back.

Even if he is actually very into you, even if he didn't sleep with her the time they kissed (and he probably did), and even if he is the best looking man for thousands of miles (actually, particularly if he is very good looking), I don't think you should stay with him.

You will never trust him, or think you are good enough for him - whereas in reality you are probably far too good to waste yourself, or your time, on him. Have a lovely life OP, which will probably be most easily achieved without him being in it.

SpookyButTrue · 27/06/2022 10:02

Nope out but do it gracefully.

You can't move abroad to be with a loser like this.

She doesn't want him as if she did they would be together so he has fucked up your relationship to end up with neither you or her.

The man is a total arse, Release him back into the wild where he belongs. he has shown you early on who and what he is.

MackenCheese · 27/06/2022 10:03

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Next!

5128gap · 27/06/2022 10:03

No man is worth competing with another woman over or 'improving yourself' for. But a sad middle aged, opportunist sleaze, leching over a young woman who is luke warm about him at best, is about the least deserving you could find.

Ormally · 27/06/2022 10:03

That first paragraph. 16 years younger, you say? She finished it?
It won't be very long before you realise you have dodged a bullet.

AlienatedChildGrown · 27/06/2022 10:04

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

You deal with it by choosing you over him. It is really hard. Every fibre of your being won’t want to do it. It will hurt like hell. Not just inside your head, but physically even. You might have to take up running, because that kind of “can’t breathe and everything hurts” creates a place to put the other lack of breath and pain.

But 2 years from now you will thank you for saving yourself from the longer road of pain where he, and whoever replaces him, decides how and when you hurt. And the you in 20 years from now will look at photos of “now you” you and see you as the reason for this life, where control over well being lies in your own hands. Not some bloke who treats your heart like a squash ball to whack for sport.

Choose pain today for tomorrow’s freedom. Choose you. Saying it is easy, doing it was so hard it nearly split me in 2. It was worth every tear and frantic run to out pace the pain.

Big fat hug, it’s going to be the best gift you can give yourself, but there is no denying that at particularly at the start it’s like walking barefoot over broken glass. You’ll be OK. There’s loads of us this end of the track and we have all the ointment and plasters you’ll need along the way.

CJsGoldfish · 27/06/2022 10:04

6 mths in with a cheater and you believe it was 'just a kiss'
Are you for real?

Find your self worth ffs

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 27/06/2022 10:05

Badger1970 · 27/06/2022 09:53

Why do you feel that you need to be more attractive?

Who actually wants to bag a cheater like he's some sort of prize?!

Post of the day!

jeffjeff · 27/06/2022 10:05

This reply has been deleted

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Crikeyalmighty · 27/06/2022 10:05

Unless he's also from Sicily there is only one reason you would randomly choose that for a sabbatical - and that's so he can be close to her. I'm sure he likes you OP and many men don't like to be alone, but he likes her more sadly- that's life I'm afraid- guys totally do irrational things when obsessed with someone and don't always dump the current squeeze, because they like someone on tap

MrsMiddleMother · 27/06/2022 10:05

I voted yabu because you need to dump him and move on. It's only been 6 months and he's told you he's still in love with someone else and cheated with them. You're the other woman at this point

Naunet · 27/06/2022 10:05

Badgirlgonegood · 27/06/2022 09:55

would It be ok if you though she was ugly?

Also what does seeing a guy mean? Does he view you as his actual partner? When I was younger and single, seeing wasn’t official. It was like shagging/dating.

Show quote history

He asked her to move to Italy with him, so I think it’s safe to say it’s more than just shagging.