So sorry you are dealing with this, it’s an awful feeling and I think most women go through it at least once in their dating lifetime (at least once! Sometimes several times). I’m sure you’ve had all the responses I would expect on a post like this on mumsnet: dump him, of course he’s cheating, what are you thinking, he sounds like a nightmare (he does btw). All of this is true, really true. I suppose I’m commenting because the thing that worries me, and interests me, is that you describe yourself as being paranoid and having insecurities, and saying things like “I know it was only a kiss”.
It’s not paranoia, you are not irrationally insecure- he is cheating on you, of that there is no doubt. It’s not because you are you either, but because he’s a cheater. He cheated on his wife, he is cheating on you, he will cheat on the Italian woman who is beautiful and 20 years younger than you.
I am just so interested in knowing if you really believe this is somehow linked to how you stack up next to her or any other woman? It’s clearly a pattern with him surely?
You asked how to deal with this, my advice is- break up with him now, by text. Cut off all contact with him, don’t give any explanation to him as to why and honestly pretend the whole relationship never happened and move on quickly. Take care of yourself intensively for a few weeks- whatever makes you feel good (that doesn’t harm you) do it- even if you don’t feel like it.
You’ve sort of been a victim of fraud here, so just treat it like you would getting your credit card details stolen- change your card, accept you made a mistake filling in the fake online form and do a bit of research to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again. Of course be more vigilant in future as well.
I suggest you may also need to work on being a bit more protective of yourself, men like this are not just “heartbreakers” they can be truly dangerous to your physical, emotional and financial well-being.
Here are a few short cuts to not wasting your time on these destructive people:
Never date anyone who has ever cheated
never stay with someone who says they have strong feelings for someone else
never date a man who said he had an abusive ex
never date a man who bad mouths his ex or calls her crazy
If a man falls in love with you really quickly (within weeks and tells you and wants to move to the next stage quickly) dump him immediately, cut off contact
If a man over shares about emotional pain of any kind on his first dates- avoid
If he says sexist things within the first few times of meeting him- don’t take it further (this often anything beginning with “women are…” simple as that)
Mostly though, if you do fall for any of this in future, don’t blame or second guess yourself, just suck it up and move on. It’s not you, it’s them, they’re a special kind of crazy and there is no way of reasoning yourself or them out of it. Your biggest problem from what you’ve said is believing that when someone hurts you, it’s because of who you are, not who they are.