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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He cheated and she’s gorgeous

219 replies

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Spohn · 27/06/2022 10:06

No need to humiliate yourself to keep some dickhead who’s been porking you for a matter of weeks. Cock is abundant, your boyfriend is a proven liar and has already cheated on you and is moving to live with his lover for a year. He’s been pretty clear. Believe him. Raise your standards.

Gnomie8 · 27/06/2022 10:06

Go! Run! And don't look back.

WishICouldButIDontWantTo · 27/06/2022 10:06

The very fact that he cheated on his wife in the first place would've been a big no no for me anyway - who the other woman is, how old she is and what she looks like is completely irrelevant.
He cheated...he's capable of it, and more than capable of doing it again.

Spohn · 27/06/2022 10:07

‘Asked her to move to Italy’-this mans words are worthless though. Even if he was genuinely asking, it’s so he doesn’t have to put the effort in to reel in yet another new backup shag when his mistress is busy.

butterflied · 27/06/2022 10:08

Demand more for yourself. Seriously. This one is not worth the drama.

Rumplestrumpet · 27/06/2022 10:12

You deserve to be with someone who sees you for the wonderful woman you are. He doesn't. He's already cheated. Send him on his way and love yourself.

Yellowhase · 27/06/2022 10:12

He is still in love with her. If he respected you he wouldn’t have done it would he? Maybe he is testing to see what he can get away with from you?

HaveringWavering · 27/06/2022 10:12

Naunet · 27/06/2022 10:05

He asked her to move to Italy with him, so I think it’s safe to say it’s more than just shagging.

He says he’s going in late 2023! It’s just bullshit that he doesn’t have to follow through.

Bjarnum · 27/06/2022 10:12

So sorry op - I know how you must feel. He is not a good bet - you know this really, don't you? Please don't start the "pick me" dance, it will destroy your self esteem. Take control and kick him to the kerb. Better times are waiting ....

diddl · 27/06/2022 10:13

I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

He's a cheat, he may have already cheated again or be planning to but most importantly, you are miserable!

No one is worth that!

MrsMariaReynolds · 27/06/2022 10:21

Tigers never change their stripes. Run far away from that one!

Moonface123 · 27/06/2022 10:24

Leave him to it, there is no way you can build a solid relationship with a character as flakey as this. After 16 yrs with his wife he took flight with a much younger woman, and couldn't even make that work. He has no integrity, he 's one of those men that destroys everything he comes into contact with, you' ve only been with him 6 months and already your self esteem and confidence is on the floor, Why ? Because your picking up on his bad energy, thats why.

Fairyliz · 27/06/2022 10:25

You’ve been seeing him for six months, this is the time when your relationship should be fun.
Instead you feel sick, awful and miserable (your words). Is this really what you want from a relationship?

SpookyButTrue · 27/06/2022 10:28

You need to see that he would be using you to wash his pants and her to remove them.

Once that realisation dawns, you can act with anger and that emotion will carry you through.

adorablecat · 27/06/2022 10:28

Realistically, why would he treat you any better than he treated his wife?

Spacemonkey2016 · 27/06/2022 10:28

Come on, OP, don't be anyone's second best. Given it's only been 6 months and he's already cheated, I'd probably just block him. No need to explain, he knows very well why!

Nellybellyfrillytilly · 27/06/2022 10:30

You deserve someone that only has eyes for you and you deserve to not be paranoid in a relationship. It will hurt dumping him but it will hurt more staying in the relationship ❤️

User839516 · 27/06/2022 10:31

There is literally zero per cent chance of you having a happy long term relationship with this man. If you are looking for a happy long term relationship, why are you wasting your time?? You’re only six months in, get rid of him. I can’t believe it’s even a question for you, honestly, pick your self respect up off the floor, how did it get there??

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 27/06/2022 10:34

You dump him. Waste of space.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 27/06/2022 10:35

Please end this short relationship. He has had an affair previously and kissed that same woman, admitted he has strong feelings for someone else. There is no joy in being with a man who has his eye elsewhere. You will never feel happy, relaxed or content in the relationship.

Her looks are not important. She could look like a bag of spanners and he could still feel this way. However, has this become a pride thing, you feel in competition with someone you feel is more desirable (I'm sure you are very attractive too) and your confidence would be bolstered if you 'win' and get to keep hold of him? Please believe me he is no prize. Yes your ego will take a knock and you'll feel crappy after it ends but nothing compared to if this drags on and he kisses her again or keeps bringing her up, or if he gets another chance with her and dumps you unceremoniously.

I get that this kind of twistiness and complexity draws you in but it is just a lot more pain waiting to happen. There is no winning.

You deserve someone who is interested in solely you.

harriethoyle · 27/06/2022 10:35

He's cheated on you within 6 months... you put him in the bin!

Bananarama21 · 27/06/2022 10:36

What do you expect op he broke his own marriage vows and left his wife for her he wasn't going to suddenly be faithful to you.

Ellie56 · 27/06/2022 10:37

You deal with this by hanging on to your self respect and dumping him. You already know he's a cheat.

Honeyroar · 27/06/2022 10:38

He’s a waste of your time. Bin him. You deserve better.

HoppingPavlova · 27/06/2022 10:40

It’s only been 6 months and he is not a keeper. Get rid.

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