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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He cheated and she’s gorgeous

219 replies

Talos · 27/06/2022 09:18

Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He had an affair previously and left his wife for the woman. She’s 16 years younger. They were together on and off for 5 years but she broke it off. He told me he still has strong feelings for her but that he loves me and wants to be with me…. A few weeks ago he met her and said they went to his and kissed. He says they didn’t sleep together. She is apparently moving back here (the city where we both live). He has promised he won’t contact her.

Yesterday he said he is going on a years sabbatical (leaving late next year) for work. That he’s going to Sicily. She is Italian and lives near there. He said that’s not relevant and that I should go with him. It’s made me feel pretty sick - he says it’s really not linked in anyway.

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me …. I’m slowly killing myself with paranoia and insecurities.

I honestly feel completely awful about the whole thing and I know it was just a kiss, but I am now desperately trying to lose weight / be more attractive and it’s making me miserable.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/06/2022 14:08

He cheated. The relationship is only 6 months old, presumably you have no shared children or assets. Once a cheat always a cheat. In what way is he worth fighting for?

SpookyMargot · 27/06/2022 14:13

I mean this kindly but the problem here is a) he's an arsehole and b) you don't seem to realise he's an arsehole. I mean the guy has already admitted to you that he previously cheated on his wife and recently met and kissed his former lover. You can do so much better. But I also think you need to spend some time working on your self esteem because for you to be so upset over a man you've only been dating for 6 months and who is so obviously an wrong 'un suggests you don't have much confidence in yourself.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 27/06/2022 14:14

He cheated on you OP, he cheated on his wife with the same woman. He is a cheat who is not going to change and will drop you as soon as this woman shows any interest.

You aren't paranoid, your intuition is just telling you that he isn't worth it.

You deal with this by dumping the cheating scumbag

Ofcourseandyouknowit · 27/06/2022 14:18

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 13:51

@Ofcourseandyouknowit never date a man who said he had an abusive ex.

Out of curiosity... why do you think this? I recently went through a bad experience with someone who claimed "he had an abusive ex" hence the reason I'm asking.

It’s because while some men are certainly the victims of abuse by women, the vast majority of abusive men claim to have been abused by their partners- and the odds are if you have a man telling you he was abused you have an abuser on your hands, not a victim. It’s a numbers thing, there are far more abusive (to women) men in the world than men who have been abused by a female partner.

I’m really sorry you had a bad experience, my guess is that was why unfortunately.

Another red flag I left off the list was any man who is vocally/obviously jealous- these have the highest probability of being abusive/violently abusive in future.

MsCactus · 27/06/2022 14:19

I think how they talk about exes shows how they treat people they no longer want anything from (much the same as manners for how you treat waiters).

My partner (now husband) had an ex who stalked both of us when we started going out (turned up at our house etc) but he actually never said horrible things about her, or claimed she was crazy or abusive.

He was clearly no longer into her and made that clear to her, but he wasn’t super disrespectful despite her strange behaviour. Every guy I’ve ever met who said he had a crazy or abusive ex - it’s usually turned out that their ex is pretty normal and they’re a nightmare to deal with.

OldFan · 27/06/2022 14:21

They always say it was just a kiss/blow job/whatever. Usually it was a shag and they're just lying to make you think it's less.

carefullycourageous · 27/06/2022 14:24

Just leave him, he's a shagger.

You can either waste your time with him until he cheats on you, with this person or someone else, or you can say you think the relationship is not for you and meet someone who will make you feel loved.

ventreàterre · 27/06/2022 14:49

He's a pathetic cheater. He cheated on his wife. (She was abusive? I doubt it, but even so, that doesn't make it okay to cheat. Just leave her first!) He's already broken your trust by kissing this same other woman, and now he's setting things up so he'll be closer to her.

He's not a good man, and he's not worth the misery you're guaranteed to have with him. Why would you bother with him, after all that?

Onlyforcake · 27/06/2022 14:52

Why are you with the known cheat? She sensibly chucked him off. She knows she can do better and keep him hanging around whilst she finds a better catch. Throw him back.

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 14:54

Ofcourseandyouknowit · 27/06/2022 14:18

It’s because while some men are certainly the victims of abuse by women, the vast majority of abusive men claim to have been abused by their partners- and the odds are if you have a man telling you he was abused you have an abuser on your hands, not a victim. It’s a numbers thing, there are far more abusive (to women) men in the world than men who have been abused by a female partner.

I’m really sorry you had a bad experience, my guess is that was why unfortunately.

Another red flag I left off the list was any man who is vocally/obviously jealous- these have the highest probability of being abusive/violently abusive in future.

Show quote history

Fascinating insight. Yes I met a guy some months ago who claimed he had always been abused by women. His "abusive" ex had a police harassment/abuse order placed on him. I drank the Koolaid and fell very sorry for him as I had never met such an "abused" man lol. He turned out to be a total jerk, very controlling and super jealous. We lasted three months and broke up (mutual) because it was not working out. I was always walking around egg shells with this guy.He accused me of being too independent and free spirited. He wanted someone a bit more insecure and needy. I felt very relieved when we broke up and suggested remaining friends as I had no hatred feelings towards him. He wanted none of it. I may have dodged a bullet.

SquirrelSoShiny · 27/06/2022 14:54

Look I try really hard to be nice on here but give your fucking head a wobble. C'mon now. Wise up. Run don't walk.

Ofcourseandyouknowit · 27/06/2022 15:14

Sandra1984 · 27/06/2022 14:54

Fascinating insight. Yes I met a guy some months ago who claimed he had always been abused by women. His "abusive" ex had a police harassment/abuse order placed on him. I drank the Koolaid and fell very sorry for him as I had never met such an "abused" man lol. He turned out to be a total jerk, very controlling and super jealous. We lasted three months and broke up (mutual) because it was not working out. I was always walking around egg shells with this guy.He accused me of being too independent and free spirited. He wanted someone a bit more insecure and needy. I felt very relieved when we broke up and suggested remaining friends as I had no hatred feelings towards him. He wanted none of it. I may have dodged a bullet.

Show quote history

Oh wow! You definitely did dodge a bullet by the sounds of things! It’s incredible how consistent the pattern is with people like this, there are just some things that spell disaster 99% of the time.

As @MsCactus says, even a man who could legitimately claim he had a crazy ex who was abusive often won’t usually frame it that way if he’s a decent guy. Whereas every single man I’ve met who has a crazy or abusive ex has turned out to have turned the scenario on it’s head. I reckon the jealousy thing is such a red flag not because it’s unusual for people to feel jealous (it’s pretty common) but it is unusual for people to feel entitled to make it your problem that they feel jealous. Mostly people are slightly embarrassed when they feel that way, not angry or sulky.

wizzywig · 27/06/2022 15:16

He couldn't fully commit to her, couldn't commit to his wife. Nah

Original poster
Talos · 27/06/2022 15:45

Def agree I obv need to have some sort of self esteem therapy - it’s a problem - really angry with myself

OP posts:
ZealAndArdour · 27/06/2022 15:58

Problem is that I googled her, she’s young, pretty gorgeous, looks like a bloody model and is twenty years younger than me.

If this is the only problem you can see out of this giant shit show then something has gone very, very wrong with your reasoning and deduction skills.

OP, sack this whole thing off. It sounds fucking awful.

WisherWood · 27/06/2022 17:28

I think how they talk about exes shows how they treat people they no longer want anything from (much the same as manners for how you treat waiters).

Yes. My DP's ex and mother of his child is a bit of a nightmare. However, he'll never actually say this. He's almost always kind towards her and about her. Very occasionally he'll be a little exasperated. But he just doesn't slag her off and offers very little information about her. Anyone who describes an ex as crazy is waving a red flag. If they've got more than one ex, crazy just ask them why they keep going out with crazy women.

The thing to remember is that you are the next potential ex, so give it a while and it will be you they're describing as crazy.

Mally100 · 27/06/2022 17:34

Sorry but you are an absolute and utter fool to even continue a relationship with someone who has clearly told you that he has strong feelings for a woman who he cheated with. I can't find sympathy for your situation. Are you seriously that desperate for this catch?

Regina70 · 28/06/2022 13:06

Moving somewhere where you 'll have no friends/support system and be hyper dependant on him is a bad idea ... all the while he is trying to get back with his ex who he is still lusting after ... he is not even committed to her as he is still trying to keep you on side. It has been fun, time for you to move on. Maybe reflect on what you want from a partner. You are enough. Don't waste time with people that don't make you feel happy. Get that new haircut but do it for you, not him.

2bazookas · 28/06/2022 13:36

That is a short relationship with a man who doesn't do any other kind. He's moving on.

Cut your losses and let go. You'll never be happy with a man who operates on that level of deception fibs and cover ups .

His Peter Pan/ Greener Grass complex is his problem, it has nothing to do with you. NO WOMAN needs to pretend to be something they are not ( another nationality 20 years younger and thinner). Be yourself.

Purplefoxes · 28/06/2022 13:59

Wow. I haven't RTWT but here is my take on it.

He wants to get the same dynamic back and the excitement he had when he was cheating on his ex wife and having an elicit affair with the OW who I will refer to as the 'Italian job'. He loves the ego boost of having two women on the go and making them both do the 'pick me dance' whilst committing to neither. Basically he is a narcissist.

He has chosen you to be his chump lady, someone with low self esteem who he can easily manipulate and gas light to wash his socks whilst he gets his rocks off with her. The Italian job is the wild shag who is presumabley not settle down with material. You are safe shag and wash socks wife material. He wants both. And if it doesn't work out with the Italian Job he still has you waiting in the wings as guaranteed sex until he finds the next one.

For god's sake, do not give up everything and move your whole life to go to Sicily with this 'man' as his fall back option. Get some self respect and tell him to fuck right off, preferable to Sicily with his Italian job. I'm sorry I know it's not what you want to hear but it's clear from his actions he doesn't love you truely, no matter what rubbish he spouts. He's done it before and he's already doing it again!

frenchmanicure41 · 28/06/2022 14:06

Run a mile from this guy, he wants his cake and eat it. The fact he cheated once shows he will do it again. The Italian woman won't stay young forever and he will cheat on her too. It's not about looks or weight with these jerks, it's about ego. As a previous poster said, to move away with him would be a big mistake. Please look after yourself

balalake · 28/06/2022 14:07

I take it you have ended any relationship.

Inkyblue123 · 28/06/2022 14:10

There is a lid for every pot- and even though you may want this man to be “the right fit” he clearly isn’t. You are wasting your own time - whilst you are punishing yourself with a shit relationship- you are missing g out on being happy.

RewildingAmbridge · 28/06/2022 14:32

He cheated on his wife with her, you've only been together six months he's already met up with her and say least kissed her. He's keeping you in his back pocket in case she won't have him. Walk away now.

RealityTV · 30/06/2022 03:40

Girl, get a new man and stop playing around! LMAO! He already told you he has strong feelings for this girl! He left a whole WIFE for her! The MINUTE he gets close enough for her to be regularly accessible, he will be back regularly seeing her. MOVE ON! Life is too short to waste it on a man who is going ga-ga over someone else!