To feel completely TRAUMATISED by this hospital experience

[Needaholidayasap]

3 weeks ago I attended hospital for an endoscopy. I was prepared and completely unfazed at the thought of it. I opted for throat numbing spray but no sedation or drugs to knock me out; I thought I could handle it and that it would be over before I knew it. I’m usually fearless and calm. The team were happy with this and said lots of people go without sedation.

it was absolutely horrific. I was trying to follow their instructions and swallow and remember to breath, but as soon as the camera went down my throat I completely freaked out and became hysterical, including trying to grab the camera to remove it. They removed it and we took a break to help me calm down and they stressed the importance of not pulling it out.

We tried it again; I panicked but managed to swallow the camera, but as soon as tube and camera were in my stomach I freaked out again. I remember hysterically crying and begging them to take it out, and simultaneously wretching and heaving (but bringing nothing up) and having very painful burps. It felt like forever but it was probably only a couple of minutes! I was almost screaming for them to get it out of me (between my tears, heaves and burps!) and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t. I suppose by that point it was easier just to continue the examination and i understand they can’t just rip the camera straight out, but it was the most terrifying experience of my life. I’m not an anxious person and I rarely panic, and I knew I could breath and talk, but I felt like I was being choked to death and my brain sent me ballistic. I vaguely remember trying to pull out the camera out again but I presume they stopped me as I wasn’t able to.

After they took it out I was shaking, sobbing and my heart rate was 170ish. I remember feeling the room spin and having a rush of emotions- mainly terror and embarrassment. I understand why they couldn’t just take it straight out, but I will never, ever get over the horrible panicked feeling that I was being choked to death.

The endoscopy team were absolutely fantastic and I’m not in anyway criticising them. I don’t know why I reacted this way as I’m usually fearless and totally calm, but I feel mortified by it. Will I have been seen as a ‘’nightmare patient’’ by them? I hate causing any sort of difficulty or disturbance.

Also, is it normal to still be affected from it 3 weeks later? Obviously I’m not crying about it everyday, but it keeps popping into my head about how frightened I felt and I’ve had some nightmares too. An endoscopy is a routine procedure so is it abnormal for me to still feel so affected by it when it was 3 weeks ago? Does anyone have any advice for me to get over this?

I had it last year. Horrific, wish I'd took the sedation. It's scary you can't breathe it feels completely unnatural. Do you ever practice mindfulness? The best thing you could do is try to accept and normalise the way you feel about it and if you feel that panic try to breathe through it and calm your body. Try to ground/distract yourself by focusing on your surroundings. Hopefully your body/mind will become less reactive over time. If I ever need it again 100% having sedation, I felt like they down played how awful it is.

Sorry this happened to you OP. However, I would never opt for an endoscopy without a GA. I have to have one every 3 years. Might be best to go get some counselling to manage your PTSD. Best of luck.

Counseling and time. Meditation can help.

As for your medical team, having worked in hospitals for many years as a Respiratory Therapist (before becoming a psychiatric technician...FAR more interesting than mucus!), I can tell you that you are not the first person they've had to react that way, nor will you be the last. Nor are they judging you for it. Nor will they, unless you try to do it that way again. And I think you won't.

I’m sorry OP. They will have been very understanding about your feelings, you can’t help how you feel and how were you to know how bad it would be. It will take sometime to get over but you will get there, just give it plenty of time and the above suggestion of mindfulness is a good one. ♥️

I needed an endoscopy 5 years ago and had it on condition I was sedated. I have heard too many people say how horrific it is with throat numbing spray only.

Dont feel embarrassed OP. A work colleague had an endoscopy under sedation and still fought the staff so hard they had to abandon it. Some people’s survival instinct kicks in a lot more quickly than others. You’re lucky you didn’t break your teeth though.

That sounds awful. I'm sorry, you can't know how you will react to something so unnatural.

I have regular colonoscopies and always go for sedation but my last one was gas and air only as I’m breastfeeding. Even though I know exactly what to expect it was really uncomfortable and unnatural and I hated it, even though I never struggle with colonoscopies at all. They had to stop and I have to re do it when I finish breastfeeding.

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, when it’s something that goes against your body, it can be terrifying and traumatic. There is nothing wrong with how you reacted and they certainly won’t see you as a nightmare patient - they will certainly have seen it before so you will not have any sort of mark against your name. I’ve had an endoscopy before and had it with sedation and my only memory is them repeatedly telling me to breathe, so even with sedation patients must struggle with it.

Out of curiosity, what exactly do you want to complain about, because you say the team were lovely? That they didn’t pull it out immediately the second time? Because it was in your stomach they wouldn’t have been able to remove it as quickly as when it was in just your throat. But if that was the issue, perhaps you should speak to them about how you’re feeling and they can talk to you about what happened, a debrief of sorts, instead of making a traditional complaint.

Oh I’m so sorry, I just reread your OP and you never even mentioned a complaint, I have no idea where I got that from. It’s 4.40am and I’m up two nights in a row with a sick baby, so massively sleep deprived and clearly not reading things properly.

You went through something traumatic OP, it’s still fresh and raw but with time, you will move on from it.

TBH I am in the USA and I have never heard of anyone having this procedure just with throat numbing spray!! OP that sounds absolutely horrific. I am also a very chill, mellow person but I am pretty sure I would've had the same reaction. We can't control our bodies natural reaction to a foreign object in our throat and stomach.

I think after your first reaction they really should've sedated you.

I had an endoscopy without sedation as I was driving myself. I was okay, but I didn't really think about breathing, was more thinking about swallowing something I didn't like. Could it be that what happened triggered something that happened to you in the past when you couldn't breath or were being held down?

i had an endoscopy with just the throat spray and I gagged, wretched and struggled to breath it was awful. I also had a colonoscopy at the same time and found that worse and had to have the full sedation. Initially they said I couldn’t have full sedation as I was breastfeeding but I asked them to check if that was actually correct and to check if the drugs would affect my baby and the checks from a hospital pharmacist came back fine. I sorted this out when they made the appointment.

You got through it! I had one about 8 years ago and still shudder at the thought of it. The medical staff weren’t quite as nice as yours and were basically telling me off for wretching. They said as my throat was numb I couldn’t feel it and therefor should not be reacting. I had told them my HMS often renders numbing / sedation useless. They were very surprised my bp was normal afterwards as I think they thought I was worked up. I wasn’t.
I would say it’s one of the most horrific procedures to go through that doesn’t actually hurt so be kind to yourself.

agree with pp try some mindfulness - headspace app has some wonderful short meditation sessions.

You poor thing, that sounds really traumatic. Don’t be embarrassed, I’m sure the medics will have seen it all before and know that it was only your survival instinct kicking in. Which is why I feel they should really warn patients of what to expect!
I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy a few years back. After reading about the choking thing I opted to be sedated. I must have found it traumatic at the time, the difference is I just can’t remember it!! I was told afterwards that I was really fighting it and needed an ‘abnormally large’ amount of sedation. It freaks me out thinking that happened and it’s disturbing the memory isn’t there…. I don’t like it at all. But I suppose it’s preferable to having the traumatic memory of course.
I wonder if mindfulness might help you to get over what happened and somehow reframe the experience in your mind? Your body didn’t let you down after all. It’s amazing to know how unbelievably strong that survival instinct is…

Why don't people opt for sedation? Is there a specific reason?

I also had this horrific experience in England after my GP talked me out of sedation. In no other country with decent medicine would throat numbing spray even be an option. It is absolutely about saving costs and a mission to keep a stiff upper lip. It just makes me so cross to think of people still needing to endure this horrible procedure, even years after my traumatic experience.

An endoscopy is a routine procedure

No, an endoscopy with sedation is a routine procedure.

I think some people have more of a gag reflex than others which is probably not related to how fearless and calm you are. Sedation can be great. I had a hernia repair under some sort of heavy duty sedation and I don't remember anything at all about it. Apparently I just snorted a lot and didn't say anything! I have had a colonography which is more photographing than snipping. I couldn't have the muscle relaxant they use because I have a heart condition. There was no sedative on offer. It was mildly unpleasant at most. I don't think though I'd have done well swallowing something.

Once my poor son had to have a probe thing poked up his nose and down his throat to examine his vocal cords. Normally I'd rather suffer the test if I could do it instead of them, but this time I was just thankful it was not me. He was amazingly calm as the ENT specialist raved about what suitable nostrils he had as she anaesthetised both of them. She told me afterwards that some children were very disobedient about having it done. I said faintly, "Really?" I don't think the ENT specialist had much of a grasp of human behaviour.

You poor thing. I had the same experience, I was sedated but I still remember some of it. I burst all the blood vessels round my eyes from retching, it was horrendous and traumatic. I saw on the notes that they had written ‘procedure was poorly tolerated’ so I must have been particularly bad!

OP that sounds so difficult, I’m sorry you went through it.

sorry to derail a bit but @Glitteratitar check out the latest advice on sedation while breastfeeding from the association of anaesthetists.

anaesthetists.org/Portals/0/PDFs/Guidelines%20PDFs/Guideline%20on%20anaesthesia%20and%20sedation%20in%20breastfeeding%20women%202020.pdf?ver=2020-08-05-101649-283

as @Orangesare said, the advice is that you can have the sedation while breastfeeding.

My friend was telling me last night that she's having one done next week, choosing without sedation. I would never choose to do that.

I've had loads and I absolutely hate them. They say you can breathe normally which just isn't true. I'd rather have a colonoscopy, at least you can breathe.
The memory does fade. I hope you're OK

I didn't know they did these without sedation. It is a horrible proceedure, is it so you can drive afterwards ?

Well OP told us twice in one post she is fearless so that might be her reasoning.

My sympathies, OP. I had a similar reaction and that was with sedation! But probably less traumatic as I couldn't recall it so well and wasn't quite so panicky due to the sedation. 💐

They had another go a few weeks later - and upped the sedation, at my request. Much better, I didn't remember any of it and had a nice little nap.

Don't blame yourself - it's a gag reflex and you can't help it. The staff probably see that every day. Don't be worried about having another go- they'll give more sedation and it will be much more pleasant.