To feel completely TRAUMATISED by this hospital experience

[Needaholidayasap]

3 weeks ago I attended hospital for an endoscopy. I was prepared and completely unfazed at the thought of it. I opted for throat numbing spray but no sedation or drugs to knock me out; I thought I could handle it and that it would be over before I knew it. I’m usually fearless and calm. The team were happy with this and said lots of people go without sedation.

it was absolutely horrific. I was trying to follow their instructions and swallow and remember to breath, but as soon as the camera went down my throat I completely freaked out and became hysterical, including trying to grab the camera to remove it. They removed it and we took a break to help me calm down and they stressed the importance of not pulling it out.

We tried it again; I panicked but managed to swallow the camera, but as soon as tube and camera were in my stomach I freaked out again. I remember hysterically crying and begging them to take it out, and simultaneously wretching and heaving (but bringing nothing up) and having very painful burps. It felt like forever but it was probably only a couple of minutes! I was almost screaming for them to get it out of me (between my tears, heaves and burps!) and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t. I suppose by that point it was easier just to continue the examination and i understand they can’t just rip the camera straight out, but it was the most terrifying experience of my life. I’m not an anxious person and I rarely panic, and I knew I could breath and talk, but I felt like I was being choked to death and my brain sent me ballistic. I vaguely remember trying to pull out the camera out again but I presume they stopped me as I wasn’t able to.

After they took it out I was shaking, sobbing and my heart rate was 170ish. I remember feeling the room spin and having a rush of emotions- mainly terror and embarrassment. I understand why they couldn’t just take it straight out, but I will never, ever get over the horrible panicked feeling that I was being choked to death.

The endoscopy team were absolutely fantastic and I’m not in anyway criticising them. I don’t know why I reacted this way as I’m usually fearless and totally calm, but I feel mortified by it. Will I have been seen as a ‘’nightmare patient’’ by them? I hate causing any sort of difficulty or disturbance.

Also, is it normal to still be affected from it 3 weeks later? Obviously I’m not crying about it everyday, but it keeps popping into my head about how frightened I felt and I’ve had some nightmares too. An endoscopy is a routine procedure so is it abnormal for me to still feel so affected by it when it was 3 weeks ago? Does anyone have any advice for me to get over this?

I would never have an endoscopy or colonoscopy without sedation. The majority of people who decline do it so they can drive home/come alone. You should be given the choice and as someone said staff are not being 'grippy' with the sedation. There are risks to sedation, respiratory depression being a major one. Just like when you have dental treatments/give birth everyone has different tolerances and if possible to do without that's safest but I certainly wouldn't manage it.

I'm so sorry this has been a horrible experience for you OP, my DH had an ERCP about 12 years ago and still remembers the banana spray being entirely useless. He also wishes he had sedation.

There's also a massive difference between a routine procedure and an emergency one, sometimes it would be better if they abandoned the attempt but say in the case of a GI bleed, its a life saving measure. I don't do endoscopies but I do place NG tubes in emergency situations and they are also poorly tolerated. It honestly is better if you get a 'harsh nurse' who just pushes through as it's grim to go down but the feeling settles once it's in the right place, I'm too gentle and HATE making people feel like that so there's a natural want to slow down but it's a 100x worse. So I'm wondering if the feeling was we have already put this lady through the worst part twice shall we push through and get the bits needed to save her having to go through the whole thing again?

I don’t want to come across as harsh, but I think you’re being a bit dramatic.

I’ve had an endoscopy twice. First time absolutely fine, second time quite rough and gagged a bit. No sedation either time, only the anaesthetic spray. It wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had, but it was over quickly, biopsies taken and I just put up with it as it was more important to get to the bottom of what was going on with my stomach.

I also had a colonoscopy straight after the second endoscopy. Now, that was quite traumatic and felt very rough. I didn’t take sedation either (on reflection that was a mistake) and it was far more painful than anticipated. Just gritted my teeth and got on with it though, as god knows it’s not the very worst thing that you could go through and better to find out if there’s anything sinister going on than bleating about it being difficult.

Maybe I’m old school, but I just womaned up and got on with it.

Oh OP I totally understand. I did the same thing. Pulled it out and refused to allow them to try again.
I had a panic attack.
Unfortunately I wasn't allowed to drink for more than half hour because of the throat spray and by this time I hadn't eaten or drank anything for hours because they were running late!
I ended up with a migraine.
The second time they sedated me. Much better experience (except for coming round to find i had wet myself and the nurses hadn't even bothered to cover me up....)
I think I've had cameras in every orifice and that was by far the worse experience.

This is a really important point. Where I live (mainland Europe) you automatically get offered - and it's recommended - a GA if you are having endoscopy and colonoscopy, and you have the option of either a GA or sedation if you are just having an endoscopy. Yes there's a small risk with GA, but here you are informed and get a choice.

I'm so sorry people are having this unnecessarily traumatic experience. Having been present for many endoscopies at work, it makes me cross that people are expected to endure the discomfort, retching and fear .

I had one many years ago now . I opted to not have sedation as I thought I was brave , plus I didn’t want to wait for 2 hours afterwards . I too tried to pull it out and had to be held down ! Never again , knock me out next time please ! Still remember that feeling now !

I had the same reaction. Crying and retching the whole way through. I ended up with a nurse laid behind me on the bad cuddling me and stroking my hair telling me everything was ok. I'll never forget her kindness.

I cried all the way home and then cried on my MIL which I have never done before.

I would never ever have one without sedation every again.

Please speak to your GP if these feelings persist. Or if you work see if they have an employee assist scheme, most places do. You can get private counselling paid for my your employer much quicker than NHS and they don't pass on any info to your employer, it's all confidential.

I had the sedation and I was still traumatised from it. They did the throat spray and I felt like my throat was closing and I was suffocating so by the time they did the sedation bit I had a load of adrenalin pumping through me. The sedation mainly caused the muscle relaxant to work but I was drifting in and out, like when you have that dream where you can't run except I was awake. My body was in full flight mode and yet I was paralysed. Although it didn't physically hurt the mental anguish still haunts me today.

I would say give yourself time to heal from it.

OP please don't be embarrassed. I had the same and the nurses had to physically hold me down and restrain me while doing it. It was 10 years ago and still makes me feel ill when I think about it. The nurses will have seen it all before but perhaps speak to them as a debrief in case it could help you process what happened.

op that sounds like such a frightening experience and very traumatic for you

I think what you’re going through is a normal response to how you felt at the time

and talking (or posting on mn) helps to just make sense of what you are feeling and knowing you are not the only one to have felt this way

hope you are able to get further support

This sounds horrible op

This thread might help others it has me should I need to decide

I hope you can heal in time

JoanOgden

I had a heart procedure once which involved sticking wires up through my groin into my heart. They offered me sedation but said it wasn't necessary as it wouldn't hurt, so I didn't take it. In fact the procedure was frightening and very painful at points and I really wished I'd said yes to sedation.

Why can't doctors be more honest with us?

Those procedure's are both painful and unnerving, (assuming similar to cryoablation for AF) I think because as with endoscopy and colonoscopy, it's now done as a routine day clinic procedure, and Dr's see everything around it as downgraded, and expect the patients pain and ability to tolerate procedures, to be also?

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I suspect the team did everything that you suggest, it's just that OP hasn't given a minute by minute account.

I don’t want to come across as harsh, but I think you’re being a bit dramatic.

Oh BS. Harsh is exactly what you were going for with all that crap about "bleating". It's like the people who say that they don't want to be rude but ... and then invariably go on to be rude.

You do realise that everyone experiences things differently for a myriad of reasons and that procedures can be much harder on some than others. Knowing that it's necessary doesn't necessarily make it easier to tolerate and you're not some superior being just because you don't find it as unbearable as many understandably do.

Please tell me that you don't work in healthcare with that attitude though I fear that you do.

I have had several of these and you are clearly given the choice - there were several people the last time that were doing it without but I am a gaggy person at the best of times so always have the sedative. I had a brain MRI years ago with my head in a cage and it was just awful - always had sedation after that for those too. I've also had several colonoscopies , one was just last year and the team was amazing - fentanyl and midazolam were given - best sleep ever. @Needaholidayasap this feeling will lift but take the sedation in future. There's no prizes for having medical, dental or childbirth without help 😂

You should have had the sedation. DH had it without and said he thought he was going to choke to death. When I had to have it all I remember was they said swallow and I thought I can't. Then I did and next thing I knew I was waking up.

I don't agree. Doctors cannot predict how a person will react or what their ability to take something is. These things are CLEARLY discussed, leaflets are sent out and in my last colonoscopy a nurse called me to go over the procedure and discuss any issues.

Please don’t be upset - I’m sure they see people all the time. I know I couldn’t have it without sedation - gag reflex! I don’t remember ever having it done now!! It’s much better than years ago when I was out under GA - sedation is easier!

Do speak to someone as it will play on your mind. And honestly it’s ok! I have had a few and have an awful gag reflex even the thought makes me sick - but once I’ve had the sedation they put me at ease and it’s all been ok.

With every respect, you clearly don't have a strong gag reflex and your physiology is presumably such that you were able to tolerate the tube better, so your experience simply isn't comparable in any way. You're not in a position to tell anyone to woman up unless you have gone through the same experience. After all, it's perfectly possible to find out what's going on without being in pain, no-one gives you any medals for pain, so why go through it when you can avoid it?

You acknowledge that refusing sedation for the colonoscopy was a mistake, so willl you be accepting it if you have to have another?

I can't do endoscopy down the throat. It goes up the nose for me. I don't know why they don't offer that everywhere. Not nice experiences.

I had one OP, and even with sedation I couldn't cope with the whole thing and they had to abandon the procedure. It felt like I was vomiting the camera back up, burping, retching etc. It was awful.
I also freaked out beforehand when they told me risk of death from the procedure. My childrens' dad was very close to death at that stage and the idea of putting my own life at risk felt huge. The percentages didn't look great to me.
If I need another I will ask for way more sedation. Can't imagine coping any other way.
I'd see your gp if you are still anxious after this time.
I went through a traumatic experience in hospital with my daughter, really should have asked for help as I had flashbacks for a good while after. It has gradually lessened over the years but I could have sped that process up with some talking therapy I'm sure.
Be kind to yourself OP.

Honestly do not feel embarrassed. You are 100% not the first person to freak out and won't be the last.
We all react to things completely differently.
I've had 3 endoscopies without sedation and honestly thought I'd freak out but personally was fine with them. I have friends who've had them with and without sedation who've said they'd rather die than have another.
There have been other procedures that people have told me are fine that I've freaked out to.

Take time to process what you've been through and talk about it as much as you need.

Thanks everyone, I think I just needed to get it all out. I wasn’t sure if mine was a typical reaction or I was just particularly wimpy, but it’s sad to see lots of people have had similar experiences. It’s obviously a much scarier test than I had originally thought it would be.

Just to answer a few questions, GA was absolutely not an option for it- presumably it’s allowed for those with previous experiences or specific needs for it, but it’s not offered routinely for it.

Also, I appreciate me saying how I’m a brave and fearless person sounded like bragging. It wasn’t meant at all to be that, I was just trying to describe that things don’t usually bother me and I wasn’t scared going in.

I didn’t decline sedation as a way of getting bravado. I could have had sedation but it would have been very difficult as I had to drive somewhere later and although I could have rearranged my plans to drive another time, it would have been a logistical nightmare. Had I known how bad the endoscopy would be without the sedation I would have rearranged my plans but I was under the impression that roughly half of all patients go without sedation and that it’s very quick and simple and it would be completely fine with just the throat spray. From the staff’s point of view it is an easy examination, and they weren’t to know how badly I’d react to it, but those are the reasons I opted for no sedation.

Yep, really helpful.

WilsonMilson
Maybe I’m old school, but I just womaned up and got on with it.

I'm disabled and have spent my life being taken apart and rebuilt. Considerable pain and unpleasantness are part of my daily existence, with peaks for some operations, procedures, and recovery, and I've never experienced pain relief for giving birth or episiotomy and stitching.

I spend most of my time 'womaning up and getting on with it' but it doesn't mean I automatically can for every procedure, or that because I've personally managed to cope with any particular thing without pain relief or sedation, that anyone else (or I) should have to.

I’m sorry you went through that, it sounds awful. My husband had one with just the spray and said the nurses kept commenting on how ‘good’ he was, that usually patients freak out and can’t tolerate it at all, so it sounds like you were perfectly normal and the medical staff have seen it all before.

I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago, they told me it was ‘just like a smear test’. It was not! I knew I was in deep trouble when I walked in and there was a nurse just for holding my hand. I just wanted to flee after it, the doctor thought it would be a good idea to show me the biopsy afterwards and I fainted on the ground. It was bad but at least I could breath!
I can’t imagine how awful it would be to not be able to breath like that. I hope you can find someone to talk it through with and start to recover. It was an awful experience for your body and your mind. All the best x