To feel completely TRAUMATISED by this hospital experience

[Needaholidayasap]

3 weeks ago I attended hospital for an endoscopy. I was prepared and completely unfazed at the thought of it. I opted for throat numbing spray but no sedation or drugs to knock me out; I thought I could handle it and that it would be over before I knew it. I’m usually fearless and calm. The team were happy with this and said lots of people go without sedation.

it was absolutely horrific. I was trying to follow their instructions and swallow and remember to breath, but as soon as the camera went down my throat I completely freaked out and became hysterical, including trying to grab the camera to remove it. They removed it and we took a break to help me calm down and they stressed the importance of not pulling it out.

We tried it again; I panicked but managed to swallow the camera, but as soon as tube and camera were in my stomach I freaked out again. I remember hysterically crying and begging them to take it out, and simultaneously wretching and heaving (but bringing nothing up) and having very painful burps. It felt like forever but it was probably only a couple of minutes! I was almost screaming for them to get it out of me (between my tears, heaves and burps!) and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t. I suppose by that point it was easier just to continue the examination and i understand they can’t just rip the camera straight out, but it was the most terrifying experience of my life. I’m not an anxious person and I rarely panic, and I knew I could breath and talk, but I felt like I was being choked to death and my brain sent me ballistic. I vaguely remember trying to pull out the camera out again but I presume they stopped me as I wasn’t able to.

After they took it out I was shaking, sobbing and my heart rate was 170ish. I remember feeling the room spin and having a rush of emotions- mainly terror and embarrassment. I understand why they couldn’t just take it straight out, but I will never, ever get over the horrible panicked feeling that I was being choked to death.

The endoscopy team were absolutely fantastic and I’m not in anyway criticising them. I don’t know why I reacted this way as I’m usually fearless and totally calm, but I feel mortified by it. Will I have been seen as a ‘’nightmare patient’’ by them? I hate causing any sort of difficulty or disturbance.

Also, is it normal to still be affected from it 3 weeks later? Obviously I’m not crying about it everyday, but it keeps popping into my head about how frightened I felt and I’ve had some nightmares too. An endoscopy is a routine procedure so is it abnormal for me to still feel so affected by it when it was 3 weeks ago? Does anyone have any advice for me to get over this?

@SilverOnToast but OP was offered an alternative, she chose this option. I know of people who tolerate it well enough. It’s just down to the individual.

Honestly I think your post is a bit shit.

Although fair enough as I did ask for opinions and you have every right to yours, but telling someone to ‘woman up’ and that ‘it’s not the worst thing to go through’ is a bit off. I’m sure you’ve been scared at things that wouldn’t bother me as we’re all very different. What I’ve learned from the replies in this thread is that different people tolerate this procedure better and worse than others do- and the number of replies with similar experiences reassures me that I wasn’t being dramatic.

And with regards to your comment about ‘bleating about it being difficult’ just fuck off. Are woman not allowed to talk about distressing experiences (on an anonymous forum!) without it being ‘bleating’?! I haven’t bothered anyone in real life with this and like you have ‘gritted my teeth and got on with it’, but that doesn’t change how distressing it was. Stop minimising other people’s experiences.

Maybe I’m old school, but I just womaned up and got on with it

Have a Blue Peter badge

I’ve had two, the first one the sedation did absolutely nothing and I was fully awake and it was incredibly traumatic.

I explained this when I went for the second one and they upped the sedation and I didn’t remember a thing.

I think you are being harsh! I was traumatised by two colonoscopies because the sedation just wasn’t enough so now it’s on my records that I have general anaesthetic. I have GA for all endoscopies too. Yes you have to have someone bring you home but rather that than go through those traumas again. I’ve only vomited once after a GA for an endoscopy so I bring something with me for the journey back just in case.

Please may I just say that I had two without sedation and was absolutely fine.
I do have a strong gag reflex so don’t know why I was ok.
It’s not always horrific but on the other hand if you want sedation then take it.
I didn’t want sedation as I needed to drive myself home.
Sigmoidoscopy and colonoscopy were both ok although I had gas and air.

I had one a few years ago - horrific - I could NOT stop burping!!! It would have been funny if it hadn't' been so grim. I'd have the sedation if I needed another one.

My OH had this a couple of years ago and (presumably) opted for no sedation so he could get in and out of the hospital as quickly as possible. When he got home, I just stared at him because I couldn't work out why he looked so odd, I then realised he had burst all the blood vessels in his face and had turned bright red (as well as looking pale and sickly at the same time!)

The experience of having a camera up my nose, where the doctor forgot to lubricate the tube, has left me permanently unable to have any medical implement in any orifice. YADNBU.

I had one last Monday, I had a colonoscopy and a endoscopy. Despite the colonoscopy being much longer and seeming like it would be more invasive and a worse procedure to go through, it was way better than the endoscopy. I'm totally with you, it was awful. I'm not sure I could have another without sedation or GA.

It's was your lizard brain kicking in and fighting for you! Perfectly normal! It's why we are all here, we're descended from those that get themselves out of situations that feel harmful (such as not being able to breathe) despite any talking down we might be trying to do. It's written in your DNA!!
Yes logically that was not happening, and your rational side did it's best, but it's never a match for the ancient instinct. How you reacted is completely normal, healthy and understandable.
There is a part of your brain that felt its life was threatened a few weeks ago, and another part of your brain that knows it wasn't, so they're both trying to assimilate how the other reacted.
You don't have PTSD, that can't be diagnosed for months after a traumatic event, you aren't post anything yet! You had a horrible experience, that felt profound to some part of you, it will take some time and processing but our brains are also very good at doing that. It will file it away and (if there's a next time) you will know to have sedation, so lesson already learnt.
Accept your lovely lizard brain tried to protect you, and it still is by reliving and processing it somewhat. Don't try and fight how you feel or label it as problematic, it's all good (though difficult to go through).

Just to add, he even gags just brushing his teeth, so yeah a terrible idea!

I've always opted for no sedation. I wouldn't want to be pushed into sedation, it carries risk for me. It was routinely offered to me the first time in 2017. I meditate etc, so used those techniques. The OP made the choice to not have what was offered. I'd Google how to get over physical trauma and see if anything helps.

Lady year I was supposed to have the endo done. I was so worried about because my sister had one previous year and with sedation felt traumatised by it. I got there, spoke with nurse. I asked for general anaesthetic and was told I could not have that but could have sedation. I just could not go through with it. I felt very panicky and my blood pressure was very high. In the end I had a different thing where I had to drink a Batum meal and have x-ray. I think it is barbaric to try to suggest a throat numb spray will be sufficient when it leaves many people traumatised.

Sorry you had such a bad experience OP. Unfortunately there's just no way of knowing how you will react during procedures like this. I've had a couple of endoscopies and always chosen not to have sedation, so that I could drive home/to work straight away and didn't need a 'babysitter' and they were always fine, just a bit of uncontrolled eye watering and burping/gagging, but that's only to be expected with getting a camera stuck down you!

I've had 30+ done. What you describe with just the banana spray is in my experience normal. It's horrific. For years I went into theatre and had a full GA but after having one as an emergency I've finally found a level of sedation with a consultant I trust that works for me.
I had one last week and had to stay in overnight because I had an NJ fitted at the same time. The discharge letter states twice I didn't tolerate the procedure well and I woke up with bruised wrists so I assume I still fought it but have no recollections.
On paper I've had far worse happen medically but I wouldn't let anyone undermine my experience of how awful it can be. I know some people have no problems but I echo your thoughts on it.

YANBU and are being a bit hard on yourself. You have had a bad experience it wasn’t as easy as you thought it was going to be and you panicked. They will have seen it a million times before and will have had many worse reactions. The fact they continued means that things weren’t as bad as you think and their judgement was it could be completed.
I haven’t experienced this but have had colonoscopies for my chrons. Despite having GA I found them incredibly painful and I am terrified when they tell me I need another one. I feel embarrassed afterwards for crying and showing I’m in pain. I’ve been through so much and kept my game face on but they are my nemesis!

Next time, have the GA. Simples

See, @WilsonMilson , I think your experience just demonstrates that it's different for everybody. I had a colonoscopy a few years ago and wasn't even offered sedation. It was VERY painful due to the anal fissure they were exploring (sorry TMI!) but honestly it just wasn't that big of a deal and I'd probably do it that way again.

I'm also one of those people who has no problem with having a cervical smear, I've never had anything other than minor discomfort and am happy to just get on with it.

But I don't think I'd agree to an endoscopy without sedation, preferably GA, as I have a very sensitive gag reflex and even just the idea of the procedure wigs me out.

Also big hugs OP. Does your employer have one of those employee assistance programmes you can call up and get free counseling from? Talking it over might help? But be patient with yourself.

Honestly, the NHS is often unspeakably shit in terms of patient experience. I had an endoscopy privately a couple of years ago. Consultant talked me through options of spray, sedation, GA. Told me that to opt for spray would be madness. It is not a reasonable proposition for 99% of the population. It’s absolutely NHS cost constraints.

The same consultant with his nhs hat on I guess has to tell patients that it’s eminently sensible to go for spray, that they’d be v silly to have sedation, and firmly resist any requests for it, probably including telling people their procedure will be delayed if they insist.

What a great state of affairs.

I'm having an upper and lower tomorrow, and I had to be talked into it by the consultant. I already have medical trauma and when he phoned I said I was sorry but I didn't see how I'd be able to do it. I wouldn't cope with it being awake and I couldn't risk being semi conscious with the sedation so I was going to bow out. He offered them to me under GA (along with all the other illogical things my PTSD brain needs to function) and he was really accommodating, which genuinely shocked me; he doesn't owe me that level of compromise.

You are not being unreasonable at all by being traumatised by something which is routinely dine under sedation, or indeed any medical process. If EMDR taught me anything it's that you don't get a choice how your body reacts to something and one persons walk in the park is another persons life altering trauma.

I recommend EMDR, it's a good way to stop that merry go round of trauma loop and flashbacks that you're getting.

I do think sometimes the reality of what it can be like for people without sedation is downplayed so people can't always make an informed decision. Sorry you're feeling this way, although logically you are fine now the body and the mind doesn't always follow logic; it sounds like it was traumatic and all sorts of natural instincts and reactions were kicking in- it can take time to 'get over' it. Reach out to people you trust, be kind to yourself and I'm sure in time it'll be a horrible but not all consuming memory.

I had one years ago in my 20s, I asked for sedation but don't think I was given it because I had a similar reaction to you but not quite as bad in that I didn't pull it out. The entire time I was desperately trying to calm myself and stop myself retching and feeling like I was suffocating, it was horrendous. It too probably only lasted max 5 minutes but it felt like forever. I was in tears and hyperventilating. Awful, awful experience especially because you feel out of control.

Maybe I’m old school, but I just womaned up and got on with it.

And don't listen to people who say this.