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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

296 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 01:11

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 26/06/2022 08:48

Like many others have said... you are right.

We live rurally... nearest train is 7km away. Sometimes he bikes, but we often pick him up, even very late. We occasionally get annoyed when he doesn't tell us what time he is going to be back etc but it is our choice to live where we do and we have to ensure he is safe. He also has a right (and I do believe that) to have a social life.

If there are other parents who are also willing to drive, I would try to share if I could. My son's friends live closer to public transport and their parents rarely offer to drive too which is a shame but I remember my sister and another parent of older teens saying you want to be the parent they call when they need you. My son's friends have called me twice when he has needed help and I am eternally grateful to them. I often scoop up who ever is at the station and drive them home.

You are doing the right thing!!!

Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 08:49

DP is not my childrens dad. Luckily!

So you voluntarily introduced this cretin in to your childrens’ lives and home?

As I say, re the lift - normal caring parenting

Blending families with someone who see your children as a nuisance? That is where you are failing them OP

HollowTalk · 26/06/2022 08:50

He doesn't sound very nice at all. I always gave my kids lifts but it was on condition that they gave me all the gossip in the car. Your partner sounds incredibly selfish and not a good dad himself.

Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 08:50

I’ve just recalled that he said I’m letting my kids go off the rails because my daughter was at her friends dad 50th last night and my DS out 2 nights in a row and I let him drink both nights. He said they’re going out of control and I’m doing them no favours. Just complete crap really

OP posts:
Vikinga · 26/06/2022 08:52

I am the same with my kids as you are.

Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 08:52

Vikinga · 26/06/2022 08:52

I am the same with my kids as you are.

Really? You’ve blended families and brought in to your home a man who doesn’t seem to like your children and sees them as a nuisance?

SortingItOut · 26/06/2022 08:54

The silent treatment is unacceptable, it's his way of making you know he's unhappy and not to do it again.

And the fact he is returning both kids to their mum despite only one having plans tells me he is a shit dad.

Does he live with you?
Why are you with a man who is a shit dad to his own kids?
Why are you with a selfish man?
Why are you with a man who doesn't care about people? No normal person would think it is ok to leave teenagers stranded.

Emiliaswrath · 26/06/2022 08:55

You aren't doing anything wrong, in fact you sound like a great parent.
I wouldn't bother seeing how things go with him later, just get rid. You have very different parenting styles and he couldn't possibly be wrong so he will just keep on critising you.

FabFitFifties · 26/06/2022 08:56

I hope you haven't been together long enough to be entangled in terms of money and property OP. Red flags are waving. Do you think he likes your children, and they like him? He sounds a tad odd in his behaviour towards his own children too, as well as jealous of yours 🤮

namechangedembarrassing · 26/06/2022 08:56

sorry not read full thread but wanted to give my two cents…

my husband loved out in the countryside growing up so public transport very limited. His dad would always drop him off and pick him up at weekends and so would his friends parents. None of them are spoilt or entitled they were always grateful and like you their parents had the attitude of “we want you home safe but don’t take the piss” and it worked quite nicely.
we have said the same for our child DH joked it would catch up
with him all the lifts his dad gave him as he can now see he’ll be the dad picking up and dropping off our child and all their friends!

CPL593H · 26/06/2022 08:57

A few 11/11.30 lifts post exams when you live in an isolated place sounds caring and normal to me. It's not like you're bailing them out of the police station at 3AM. He might think it calls his own parenting into question, hence the attack on yours; his problem if so and something he should reflect on (he probably won't)

Mariposista · 26/06/2022 08:57

To be fair to your son, he sounds like a sensible, well behaved lad and it could be far worse. Once he starts work the socialising and need for lifts will decrease - your BF needs to chill.

Scarlettpixie · 26/06/2022 08:58

I think you are doing a great job. Don’t let your DP make you believe otherwise.

legosunqueen · 26/06/2022 08:58

You sound like a great mum OP. My DS finishes his GCSEs on Monday & of course they will be partying, they deserve to have some fun after the prolonged exam period, all the mocks plus the challenges of the last 2 years. It's about keeping them safe & also keeping a good relationship as they move from childhood to adulthood over the next few years

Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 08:58

Just been into his kids room at my house. They’ve left it in a mess. Now that’s entitled! To leave it to me to clear up. My children all get up, make their own beds, (not immediately) bring their laundry and all the glasses and plates they’ve collected down! And help out round the house with small chores like dishes washer, sweeping kitchen floor and setting and clearing tables and helping fold their own laundry. My DS who’s been out last night will be walking the dogs today for me. I’m sorry but I think I have the right balance here.

OP posts:
speakout · 26/06/2022 08:59

Your dad sounds amazing OP, and a great role model to his own kids.
I wasn't so lucky- and neither was my OH- we have compensated by being very supportive and happy to give lifts to out teens.
I would rather a late lift than worrying about a tipsy teenage child trying to get home by themselves.
I remember when I was 14 attended a judo class on a Sunday afternoon. it was a 6 mile round trip and I had to walk it every week- despite my dad having a car sitting in the driveway.
One week took a fall badly and broke my ankle. Didn't know it was broken but it was very painful and swollen. I had the centre call my dad ( no mobiles then) and I asked for a lift- a downright no, he said it would be simply bruised. I had no money for a bus or a taxi and had to walk home 3 miles with a broken ankle while my father read the sunday newspaper.
I vowed I would never treat my kids like that.

Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 09:01

morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 08:58

Just been into his kids room at my house. They’ve left it in a mess. Now that’s entitled! To leave it to me to clear up. My children all get up, make their own beds, (not immediately) bring their laundry and all the glasses and plates they’ve collected down! And help out round the house with small chores like dishes washer, sweeping kitchen floor and setting and clearing tables and helping fold their own laundry. My DS who’s been out last night will be walking the dogs today for me. I’m sorry but I think I have the right balance here.

What a horrible family environment for all the children concerned.

Peaceatdawn · 26/06/2022 09:02

Just been into his kids room at my house. They’ve left it in a mess. Now that’s entitled! To leave it to me to clear up.

Why would you clear it up, take your DP up there, show him how entitled his kids are and get him to clean up their mess!

He sounds like a big baby who's jealous of the time you give your kids. This is why I don't date as a single parent. Couldn't be doing with dealing with a man child.

FinallyHere · 26/06/2022 09:04

my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.

Might this be what 'D'P is actually complaining about, while you are parenting your teen?

KneeQuestion · 26/06/2022 09:04

Your DP sounds like a twat.

ShirleyJackson · 26/06/2022 09:05

Kick him out, OP.

You have a lovely thing going on with your kids. Don’t let this turd ruin it.

OhCobblers · 26/06/2022 09:05

Goneblank38 · 26/06/2022 01:39

You sound like a lovely mum, who is cultivating a strong relationship with her son. He doesn't sound entitled at all. He sounds hard working, honest and like a good friend. Your partner sounds jealous of your son, both for the attention you give him and possibly also your son's youth and freedoms. He sounds controlling and spiteful and I'd tell him to fuck off to be honest.

Absolutely this!

JustDanceAddict · 26/06/2022 09:06

Carry on doing what you’re doing. We’ve always facilitated lifts esp later at night.

BellePeppa · 26/06/2022 09:07

YANBU and you sound like a lovely, caring mum. You must do what you want when it comes to the safety and well-being of your son. Ignore your partner and carry on doing the right thing.

FlamingoQueen · 26/06/2022 09:07

You sound like a great Mum. You just do not have a great partner! I think that particularly after the last 2 years if kids want to go out then fine. I will always pick my dc up and they know they could ring me at 3am and I’d go and get them ( I’d moan like anything, but still do it!).
This is only going to get worse - do you actually need your dp?