My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

My money is on him living in your house, is that right?

Your DP sounds like an arsehole. You on the other hand, sound like a lovely mum. We lived rurally growing up, which I loved, but my parents never gave me lifts and I resent them for it now, even in my late 40s

Currently pregnant with our first, and live rurally as as adult, we have both agreed that we will take our DS to be to friends, etc whenever he asks and are prepared to do this at any time of the evening / morning. Growing up in a rural area is amazing and special, but your kids will grow to hate it if they can’t have a social life.

Not sure what your DP's problem is, but don't stop making sure your kids are safe at night. I remember only too well, a long time ago now, those times. I didn't like waiting up to pick them up, but I'd rather know they were home safe, rather than laying in bed worrying about them. In the grand scheme of things, it only lasts a few years at most, then life moves on and changes and you no longer need to do it.

What are you whanging on about?

I can't see where your DC are doing anything that is entitled or not respecting boundaries. They worked hard for GCSEs, have a summer job planned and help around the house.

This is an example of why I gave up on relationships a long time ago. There seems to be a trend for men happy to come and live in your house, do some pretty shoddy part-time parenting of their own DC and then pick holes in everything about you, your DC and your parenting.

He hasn't spoken to you much today?

Well, there is your punishment for your DP having 100% attention.

He sounds like a knob.

My parents were like yours and I appreciated it so much. They still do things like that - if they come and babysit, one of them will take and pick me and my friends up and I'm 41!

*NOT having your 100% attention

Your DP doesn't have a wife problem/stepson problem, he has a jealousy problem.

From your description of say you've got it all pretty much spot on. Except your choice of partner.

Well maybe you can throw your toys out of the pram and have a sulk while he sorts out the mess in his kids room as he won't be paying you any attention. That's real entitlement if they expect you to sort out the mess they leave behind them.

He is jealous of the time you spend with your children. Ick. At 16, I think giving lifts and letting them out after exams is perfectly normal and healthy. It's also normal and healthy to stay in touch and give lifts. He sounds horrible about this frankly.

And I would be caling him to come back and tidy his kids room.

Don’t get me wrong. I do really like his kids. I’ve been out of my way to take them places too in holidays when their parents working and I’ve had a day off. I’m just saying he’s said my kids are entitled and I just think he’s being a hypocrite. Teens won’t naturally tidy up unless you badger them! Mine certainly don’t but I remind them (repeatedly) to make beds, can you bring me your laundry etc. he can bring his kids up how he likes, I wouldn’t interfere. I would def give his kids lifts same as mine if needed, they just don’t go out at night. One too young and one just not interested.

You are being a good parent and a responsible adult. Your DP, however, sounds as if he is not a parent and wants all your attention for himself.

Sorry, just seen that he does have kids.

You sound like a really lovely mum and it's so nice that you have a good relationship with your kids and their friends.
I remember we had a friend's mum who would always pick us up from parties, have sleepovers etc because that way she knew we were all safe and well. I really appreciate that.

Your partner OTOH sounds like a stroppy, whiny man-child who has no right to question your parenting decisions.

Post lockdown my OH drives our teen aged son and friend to school every morning. He says it builds different bonds. Lovely dad.

He can clean his kid’s room. He can make decisions about that kid and have opinions too. Your parenting and input should be utterly off-limits. Personally, I would have given my right hand to have a parent who knew me and actually gave a shit.

I would NOT be cleaning up that room. Their dad needs to sort it. He is the entitled one here if he is expecting you to skivvy after his kids as well as give him all the attention he demands.

He resents your children, and the criticism will never end.

So fucking childish, telling tales on teenagers.

It's depressingly common but thankfully you're not going to let some boyfriend dictate your relationship with your children. Good for you.

My view, your showing your kids you support them, your going to show up for them and let them be teens you'vegot their back, but you also know where they are ans are safe. My parents did for me, I do for mine (3am airport drop this weekend and a party puck up) and I respect mine and my daughters definitely respect me. So much so they'll often treat me to a bunch of flowers or something from their wages. I think it's lovely.

Keep doing what you are doing OP, you will reap the rewards of an amazing relationship with your kids when they are adults. My DD and DSC are all adults now and DH and I were the parents who did the lifts, not together we took it in turns.

I will never forget those conversations with the kids driving home and we still giggle about some of the daft things we chatted about and the stop offs for food.

Your partner is an arse.

I think you sound like a fantastic mum!

Your children are going to grow into decent adults because of your parenting - you want them (and their friends) to have fun and enjoy themselves whilst they are young, as well as get home safely. That speaks volumes about you.

Your DP on the other hand does not sound very good at all.

my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.

He’s basically calling you a terrible parent because he’s jealous that you’ve spent more time with your kids this weekend than him - that’s a massive red flag!

How long have you been together?

When his DCs are over do you tend to do most of the work?

I’d say he’s either jealous he’s not getting your attention or he’s annoyed that you’ve left him to parent his own kids.

Your kids, your choices. He can get over it.

my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
Aww, diddums. Entitled or what!

I don't necessarily agree with other posters who believe you should get rid of him, or even that he has no right to comment on your parenting. But I absolutely wouldn't allow anyone to prevent me from giving a lift to my child if I thought it was the right thing to do and a safety issue. The same with their friends! To be honest, the same with his children, if it was a safety issue (ie night time, dark roads, etc.)
Whether you share parenting depends on your relationship. But if he wants to share, then I think your first thing might be to insist that when his children are visiting they spend the evenings in living room with you. Perhaps watching a film, or playing some kind of game, or whatever.

Also, they must clear their room before leaving, and he must check they've done it. How dare he not!
I'm so pleased for you that your son has worked for his GCSE exams, and agree he now needs to relax a little, get out a bit, and spend time with his friends. Especially after all the cr@p that's come their way during covid. Not just the lack of socialising, but eg the uncertainty about exams, school time, etc. And if he's thinking of uni, then that'll have been a worry, too.

Whatever you do, please don't let your partner's selfishness make you question your obviously excellent parenting skills.

If you DP isn't your childrens father then he needn't comment until he has raised children of his own.
My exH was always criticising my parenting to my (not his) adult child. Absolutely none of his business.

Your DP is a joyless fun sponge with no idea how to appropriately parent young adults and teens. He is totally unreasonable and wrong. You are being a great parent to your kids. My instinct is ltb but the fact his kids have a room in your home suggests a permanent set up so I guess not that easy to drop him . He needs to butt out of your parenting decisions.

but please don’t start a comparison around whose kids are more entitled- his children shouldn’t be punished because their dad is a wanker.