My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

You did the right thing and your partner sounds like a needy child.

it’s not your kids fault that they live in the middle of nowhere with no public transport.

Having said that, when I was that age, living in a similarly remote area, we stayed over at friends houses rather than expected our parents to pick us up late.

your actual parents shows up his lack of parenting. He doesnt like that.

Yanbu

Your DP is incorrect. Your boundaries with DCs are fine. It's called good parenting.

You've weighed up risks and situation.
1.You live rurally, not many buses. Walking home
in the dark is unsafe due to rural roads. You are keen they get home safely rather than stay out all night. You sometimes drop their friends hole too. It's not every night,. You offer the lifts , they are not demanding them.
2.Socialising and getting outside is important to well-being if DCs, so you are encouraging it, rather than expecting your DCs to stay in on IT devices. They have just finished exams.

Your DP can choose to parent differently, that's his call, although he does sound rather uninvolved or uninterested in his DCs all around wellbeing.

The teenage (& young adult) years are known for parents becoming taxi-mum or taxi-dad time!! It's not unusual. Good parents also sometimes step in to help with DCs friends, I've dropped many home at times, why wouldn't I? Their parents often do same for mine, if they are collecting theirs.

You’ve got it right. He’s got it wrong. Keep doing what you’re doing. x

I agree with this (and everyone else!)

You're doing absolutely the right thing

Your partner is a sulky dickhead

my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.

This bit stands out, DP sulking that you've been parenting yourself DCs all weekend (including taxi mum) so you've had less time for him.

Sounds like he feels jealous of time you spend with or looking after others and not him.

You don't expect a grown ass man to feel he wants to compete with your children!! He can get in the car with you! Chat on the way.

It's all a bit immature. Is he a bit demanding in other ways too?

YANBU at all, OP. Apart from anything else,it wasn't your ds who chose to live in the middle of nowhere with no public transport! We live rurally and dh and I ferry our teenagers around quite a lot. It's part of the parental job description imo!

Fish cakes I hope you have split up?

So many issues with blended families. Making decisions about teens is hard enough in a conventional family can’t imagine having a third party poking their nose in - would hate it.

Also they’ve been flipping working like mad for 6 weeks on GCSEs! We lived rurally when I was a teen mine and most other parents gave lots of lifts their view was we chose to live here it’s our job to facilitate. one of the reasons we now live in a small city our teens can bus or train mostly but happy to do lifts when they can’t.

Sex life? That's nasty really. Reducing the OPs relationship down to sex. How very judgemental.

When our kids are home nothing is off limits when it comes to us giving lifts (all adult bar one 17 yo). Ask and if we’re not busy we’ll do it. We drove 100+ mile round trip the other day to pick up dd’s stuff from her uni digs because she probably wouldn’t fit it all in her car. I would probably have an issue with 16 yo drinking two nights in a row especially if they were getting tipsy but that’s beside the point. Can’t see why you dp has an issue, unless you are changing your plans with him to accommodate all the lifts. My parents were the same as him and hell would freeze over before I got a lift and I’d never take parenting advice of them. Does your dp live with you and how old are your younger children? Who’s watching them whilst you are out at 11.30 pm.

You sound like a great Mum but your partner sounds like a wanker 💐

What you “should” have done is never blend families with this man.

I assume with a 6 mile round trip plus maybe the drop offs it was an hour or so at most.

Your partner is insecure and jealous.

"my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around."

Took him a while to say what he actually meant but he got there in the end. "You work too hard looking after those kids. Why don't you work so hard, but to do what I want instead?" He can get stuffed.

Dh and I decided we would move to a small village with little transport when ours were in primary we even then said once teenagers we would drive them as needed. Our choice to be in a village shouldn't impact on the children's social abilities.

We moved when the last 2 were late teens to a larger place and now they use public transport. I never begrudge the lifts I saw it as my responsibility as a decent parent.

I have a DS the same age as yours, we also live rurally and I would do exactly the same as you OP.

Ditch the DP. He sounds like a prick.

As one of the other posters said, I would be wary. It sounds to me like you are being totally responsible. This period just after exams if one that they well deserve after the last few years disruption plus the stress of exams. It's also a time when some can go a bit crazy so worth keeping an eye and supporting/facilitating their socialising. You don't say much about the situation with your partner but overall he sounds like he could be jealous. I had an awful moment years ago where I suddenly realised my ex-DP was actually deeply jealous of my DS - a son who I was pretty tough on at times looking back. It was a turning point for me - he revealed himself and I couldn't go back. I realised that he was in fact a rivalling child rather than a grown up partner.

I walked as a teen because I didn't have a choice and now go to the ends of the earth for my DC. Even if they did take the piss I would rather that than have them grow up thinking they weren't important enough. They become old enough/independent/leave home eventually and I would much rather they felt they had been put first than the way I feel about my parents handling of that kind of thing. Does your DP struggle with other aspects of differences between your DC and his?

You sound lovely and your son's schedule is a great mix of work and play. Your DP however...

I’d be doing the same tbh; and am doing! Mine are 18 and I took her and her friends into the city on Friday as there were no trains-and they didn’t leave the house till 10.15! Have also in the past had emergency phone calls at 3am and picked them up 🤷‍♀️ I’d rather that and then be safe-and I’m happy that she feels able to phone rather than struggling with situations. AFAIK it’s generally called parenting and certainly my child is not entitled. She asks nicely and doesn’t expect it. It’s only if it’s an expectation that is entitled imo.
your DP can jog on-haven’t spent enough time together ffs-2 lifts?!!! He’s the entitled one.

We most definitely have ‘@MsTSwift. I wish I could say that I didn’t struggle on til the baby was nearly a year old before I left though.

The complaint that the OP hadn’t been devoting her time to her partner also resonates. My STBXH makes similar complaints. He cannot accept not being the centre of everyone’s attention and having everything revolve around him and his choices/priorities.

He actually had a monologue while picking our DS up yesterday about how his dad has been with his SM for nearly 35 years and it works because she is utterly ‘loyal’ to FIL (basically treats him like a god), whereas all these other relationships fail because women are too busy being obsessed with their children and don’t concentrate on what really matters (their husbands). 🙄🙄

The misogyny is strong with that one. And the male entitlement. Shame I wasn’t able to recognise this before I had a child with him. But (as the example I gave on this thread shows) it took me by surprise a bit when he felt confident I was stuck with him and would have to ‘accept’ it.

My mother always picked me up from parties in highschool (we lived rurally). If our designated driver got drunk or if I felt unsafe I always called her no matter what time and she would pick me and my friends up. My friends couldn’t do this as they would have got in trouble and as a result got in some very hairy situations.
One kid in my year died in a drunk driving accident and another three in a separate incident were seriously injured. Drunk driving stats are very high for rural teens, you are a great mum, and your son will remember your fantastic parenting. Ditch the DP for sure if he can’t understand your fan-bloody-tastic parenting style.

You are doing a great job with your son if he is happy for you to pick him up at 11, is only a bit tipsy and is starting a good next week!
Great parenting!
What are you going to do about you DP? Willing to bet this is the tip of the iceberg of his controlling behaviour

Re the lifts etc - you seem to be a fairly normal parent.

re engaging in a relationship with someone who sees your children as a nuisance, then yes - you are failing them by subjecting them to sharing a life with someone who doesn’t seem to like their existance

so carry on doing what you’re doing in terms of lifts etc
but FGS stop subjecting your children to sharing a life and possibly a home with someone who regards them as a nuisance, a hassle, an obstacle