My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

@morekidsthanhands1
Youre doing the a great job of bringing up safe and well balanced children.
He's studying, has a job and went out for one weekend. You've supported him to go out and be safe. Exactly what a parent should be doing.
He sounds lazy tbh and actually has restricted his children's social development because it would actually impact on him and he may have to parent.
He sounds unnecessarily aggressive and tbh an arse hole.

You are doing the tight thing and certainly doesn't sound like you're spoiling them or setting no boundaries. However, I disagree with those that say your dh shouldn't have a say in how you parent. When families blend, the intention is to become one family and each other's views should matter. You may not do what is suggested but certainly good to talk about parenting and have a discussion. As for the person suggesting OP leaves her dh, seriously???

FFS! Your dc has just finished his GCSEs. Of course he wants to celebrate! And why the heck shouldn't you give lifts to him and a few of his mates if you want to? He sounds jealous and needy... like he expects you to ignore your dc so that he can have all of your attention. What a turn off!

I have a 17yo dd. I still give her and her friends lots of lifts, as do most of their parents. Occasionally they get ubers if none of us can help, but giving lifts to ensure that they're safe is just what parents do!!

my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around
This is why he's moaning.
YANBU to let your kids chill out and have some fun after their exams.

I pick mine up from all over, and always take their friends home, I would hate anything to happen to any of them and I'm glad they are having fun. When dd1 goes out clubbing she knows to try a taxi first but last week I picked her and friends up as Uber weren't coming for ages. I don't mind, I'll be awake worrying about them anyway so I may as well get them all home and sleep better knowing they are safe.

I think as long as you and your kids are happy, he should keep his beak out.

This isnt about your parenting. this is about you not spending time with him.

When my DS finished his GCSEs he and his mates went out to let off steam. Its normal. I would much prefer my DS being with his friends that stuck on the internet. Your DP sounds like a lazy parent.

I'm like you. I couldnt rest knowing my DS and his mates were stuck. I often gave lifts to his friends.

I agree. I don't see any demands or lack of gratitude from your son and i don't see you being a push over.

Its a massive weekend for teens of these age. Its an experimental time and its hard for parents to strike the right balance of supportive, realistic etc. Your son and his friends clearly see you as an adult they can be open and honest with and building that mutual respect and transparency at this stage is vital. Your teens are not going to
Lie to you and go behind your back. Because you got them.

He is jealous and his kids sound boring. Are you sure he is a keeper?

You are doing an amazing job as a mum and yes you should be giving your DS a lift. It’s what normal, loving, caring parents do.
Ignore your DP, he is being very unreasonable!

I have a GS of 17 living with me. I do loads of trips. DH isn't biologically his GF and he's disabled but if I said I wasn't going to do it then he'd struggle but do it. I think after the last two years we just want him to have some fun and enjoy life.

Your DP doesn't sound very nice.

Any reasonable parent would do as you do without a second thought. If DP is concerned about boundaries he should look to his own. He should be doing the walking, 👉over there, yes through that door, don't slam it on your way out.

Sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your DS and plenty of boundaries.

Does DP live with you? If not I'd be ending this relationship pronto.

My dd is 9 but I still spend most Saturday's ferrying her about to sports clubs or comps. We don't exactly live rurally but it is a small village and o bus service to the village she goes to school in or our nearest town (huge bug bear for all parents here). I fully expect to be ferrying her about til she can drive.

My dad always picked us up if the plan was to be done by midnight. The agreement was always call him upto midnight and after that get a taxi. In my group of friends one parent dropped off another picked up. As my dad was happy to do pick up it was usually on him with me and at least 2 others. It's called parenting!

Good for you @morekidsthanhands1 this is the relationship I hope so have with dd when the time comes.

You’re a great mum and I’ll do exactly the same for mine and their friends when they are old enough. Would much rather they get home safely than risk walking down country roads in the dark or taking other risks. It sounds like the issue is with your DP.

OP I am on your side. I would also give my kids lifts in these scenarios to make sure they're safe. Yea it means you end up taking other kids too but tbh I'd rather that than my kid not be safe. My parents did this for me and tbh if I am getting into a train station very late and can't get home even now, they or other family members may pick me up- we all help eachother out as family because we care about eachother. My now husband did this for me during uni and does it now too (and vice versa) if going out without him.

This has not caused me to be entitled at all. I worked from as soon as I turned 16. Worked all alongside A levels. Worked 3 jobs on my gap year to save for uni. I bought my first car myself, paid for my own insurance etc. I bought my first house with my husband without parental help. I paid for my own professional qualification unlike alot on my course whose parents helped. I have worked bloody hard in my career to date and now earn high income.

Yes I still rely on my parents for help when needed but the

You sound a lovely mum - unless your kids are demanding lifts then they aren't entitled. I have two 20 year olds, they now drive (but not if they've been out for a drink obv.) I have always been the same as you. They've never taken it too far and haven't expected it every night but nothing wrong with cutting loose a bit after exams. One of my sons finishes work at the weekend at midnight and I pick him up because we're in the same situation as you - a bit remote, no public transport at that time and I rather he didn't walk on unlit roads with no pavement - but on the other hand I'm pleased he has a job. I think your DP sounds jealous, but your kids need to come first.

No way would I let someone who wasn't my kids father tell me how I should be parenting my kids. They're not his kids and it's not his business. This would cause major friction between us.

I did exactly the same for DS when he was 16. He's 18 now, and was having difficulty finding a lift home last night. I was prepared to go out and pick him up at 1am if I had to. A late night pick up like this would be a very rare occurrence as most of his friends drive and they usually manage to designate a driver, but they were all out celebrating the end of exams last night. Taxis are very unreliable at the moment, very expensive, and the average wait for a taxi at that time of the night is over an hour. I'd much prefer to pick him up myself. 11.30 isn't late.

I actually don't know many parents who wouldn't pick their kids up if they needed a late night lift.

Oops pressed post too soon...

...but the whole family helps eachother out. Actually what my parents doing this stuff for me taught me was the importance of looking out for those you love and making sure they're safe.

My friends and I have lovely & fond memories of our parents picking us all up from nights out or late night shopping trips. Sounds strange but I think it’s because our parents are elderly now so it’s difficult to imagine they ever did that!

You’re a great mum!

Your DP can jog on.

I pick mine up and drop them off and if they have an issue they ring me and I come and get them no questions asked.

Giving lifts to teens is part of parenting and keeping them safe. I have given lifts to my eldest several times since Thursday when exams finished. I’m just grateful he is actually going out and socializing rather than being stuck in his room at a desk. You don’t just stop looking after them when they become teenagers. As for control there is and should be a lot less controlling at that age. They are getting ready for sixth form/ college and by now should be able to make their own deductions on where they go and when, when they go to bed etc.

This what mums do.

The only person who has an issue with control and boundaries is DP. From what is written in your OP anyway.

I’d definitely want to make sure my 16 year old got home safely.

DP is not my childrens dad. Luckily! When I was growing up my dad always took me and picked me up from parties. Even in my adult life, if I was driving anywhere from their house, he would ask me to call to say I got there safely. He passed away a few years ago and one of the first things that hit me after he’d gone was that I didn’t have to message him to say I was home. And I cried like a baby. He was such an amazing caring man. My kids know that I will always pick and collect them from parties. I love the tipsy chats we have in the car about who snogged who and who likes who. I know all their friends as they’re often round mine. The friend I took home last night was telling me about the girl who likes but they don’t have “labels” yet but he really like her and he wants to put a “label” on their relationship. New phrase learnt by me and lovely insight into the minds of teenage boys. Who are get all the same butterflies girls do about relationships. Plus my son asks me advice and I just get to talk to them freely and play some awful times for them!! I am hurt and baffled by the outrage of my DP. His gripe seems to be me giving other kids lifts home saying it’s a joke, their parents should do it. But sadly not all parents do and I’m standing there with my DS and his mates, knowing they’re having to find their own way home. It just doesn’t sit right in my head to drive off and leave them! It’s only a small part of their lives and hopefully when they are parents they will do the same as it’s what they were given.
There is very little for 15-17 TR1 olds to go or go except each other’s homes and they can’t drive so what other choice do they have. I’m literally over the moon that he has such a varied and lovely group of friends that he socialises with and that I’ve met most of them. My otter DS age 15, hardly goes out at all since lockdown etc and has had friendship issues at school which is really tough.
DP hasn’t really spoken to me today but he is taking his kids home early to their mum instead as his DS has plans with friends and he has decided his DS might as well go home, rather than spend a day with dad?? Anyway let’s see how things are later and if he sees he is being the odd one here