My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

There's bending over backwards, pandering to unreasonable demands, and not getting them prepared for the world.

There's basically ignoring them and treating them as though they're a bit of a nuisance when they have a normal social life. Your DP seems like he's more into this approach.

And there's the middle ground where you do a bit for them, like them as people try and balance their needs and yours. Encourage them to build their independence without expecting it to just happen spontaneously without any guidance or support. You seem to be aiming for this.

The first two are poor parenting. You keep going.

Does your dp think it is better that you risk your son being one of the many slightly inebriated young people who get hit by cars on dark country roads? Why shouldnt he go out after exams especially as he has a holiday job lined up? I can see one person here who lacks boundaries and it isn't you.

Ach Tell him to fuck off

You’re doing just grand op. Your ds has worked hard and is letting off steam. It’s very normal to be out and about with your mates at this age.

One gives lifts, one knows roughly where they are. One gives rides, sometimes there are chats in the car. One meets the friends, and one knows who the friends are. Clever!

Sorry but tour dating a man child who got in a sulk because you were making sure teenagers got home safely after they have worked their socks off in their exams????

What a unattractive quality and tbh what a dick!

You’re not doing a single thing wrong.

And this is exactly why, if - God forbid - something happened to DH, a relationship would be more trouble than it’s worth…..

You sound like a lovely mum

Your son has by your own description worked hard through GCSEs. He’s also got himself a summer job and will soon be working. He doesn’t sound like a spoiled brat, he sounds mature and proactive.

You are not being pressured into lifts but offering willingly, with boundaries in place eg mates to come to yours rather than you doing a longer run to pick everyone up. You are actively supporting his friendships. He knows he can rely on you - you’re present but not overbearing.

sounds like great parenting to me (my dc is 4 but I teach teenagers and have a fair idea of what they need).

This is exactly why l am single.
Men can and do get jealous of time spent on kids, its incredibly unhealthy and putting.
You sound a fantastic Mum, l would have done exactly the same as yourself re lifts etc for peace of mind plus as you said nice for our young people to let off steam esp after exams.

Your DP sounds like a big baby. Jealous of the time you’re spending with your son. My dad always insisted on picking us up even early in the morning in our late teens. We all became independent and turned out fine and we definitely appreciated it! Even now if we are visiting we are going a night out he will offer to take us and pick us up and we’re all in our 30s - obviously we refuse and get taxis but it’s very sweet of him!

You’re a lovely mum and you do what feels right for you and you child. You are not letting them take piss which is the main thing.

You’re not the issue here

Does your dp often seem jealous of your time?

So many threads on here where men think they call the shots and women are like “Do they though?”

No they do not!!! You are doing great - keep it up!

You sound like a great mum who understands what teens who have just finished exams will do and making sure he is safe is the process.

He's isn't being entitled. He's being patented well.

Your DP on the other hand is being a dick.

Your DP sounds like a spoilt man child. I don't know any parents who haven't spent this weekend ferrying around teenagers. It's the first weekend after GCSES. That's what we do.... I expect there will be a few more weekends of it before September as well. They are growing up and need to be out having some fun. Especially after all they've been through in the last two years. Tell him to help and stop sulking.

Same here. The things I got up to the summer after exams would make your hair turn grey 😳

You 'let' your 16 year old go out two nights in a row, back before midnight, and you are questioning whether you are too leniant? What??!!! Your partner sounds really horrible. Does anyone seriously think that a 16 year old shouldn't be allowed freedom teo nights in a row?! This is absolute insanity. I'm so glad your partner wasn't my dad! And yeah you should probably pick him up afterwards. Everyone I know who grew up in the middle of nowhere had parents who were reasonable about this and helped them get out and about before being able to drive by themselves. I can't get over this post and how horrible your partner sounds.

Bin the DP.

If my DP even hinted about my parenting being lacking we'd be over.

I've always collected my kids and their friends, sometimes 2am, sometimes midnight. It's never too late to pick your kids up to ensure their safety.

Your DP sounds immature and childish complaining about lack of time with you. Suck it up buttercup.

I agree than your partner sounds jealous and resentful of your child.

My (STBX)H is like this with my DS. He’s constantly prioritising his kids over everyone else (which would be fair enough but…) and trying to prevent me from doing anything for my son. He’s jealous that I live with DS whereas he chose to become a NRP. I actually tried to help him have 50-50 contact but his ex hated it and he agreed to reduce it (and then his pettiness about my son became unacceptable although it took me a while to recognise that).

He uses the same shitty, emotional abusive tactics your partner is. Accusing me of being a bad parent in some way for doing things for my child. There’s always some way to twist the story around so he can pretend I have no boundaries or am spoiling DS or something.

But actually, he is jealous and petty and just not very nice.

What your example especially reminds me of is that my DS used to swim competitively. He had early morning swim training. This started when he was 10 (just about to turn 11). We can walk to the pool. I’d just had a baby (EMCS at that). My H tried to force me to stop DS swimming at all (because he didn’t like that DS had parents who’d facilitate his sporting choices). He easing getting this way so he tried to force me to make DS walk to and from the pool himself. For training from 5.30am to 7am (and also for 7pm to 9pm sessions). A 10/11 year old. He accused me of spoiling and babying DS by walking him.

He refused to look after his own baby so I could take DS so I had to take the baby with me. (My ex did all the walking to the pool with DS while I was recovering from a section and couldn’t actually walk to the pool, with or without the baby). My H twisted this into me putting my older son before the baby. But actually it was him refusing to help me, and being determined to stop DS doing an activity. And that DS should just have walked on his own.

It reminds me of this because it’s a similar trying to prevent your DS doing things, insisting you should have no regard for your DS (and his friends’) safety and twisting it all to claim that you are the one with no boundaries etc.

Your DP doesn’t think your 16 year old should be allowed to go out twice in a weekend?

It is totally normal for parents to find themselves needing to pick their teenager up after a party or whatever. If you live in the middle of nowhere it’s going to be necessary to do that at times. Your DP is being a total prick about this. How dare he tell you that you shouldn’t give your kid a few lifts? Arsehole.

My DD finishes her GCSEs this week and you can bet your life I’ll be driving her to the moon and back if that’s what she wants. Our kids have had an incredibly difficult 2 years and finally have the opportunity for a bit of fun and I am delighted she feels she can ask me to drop her and her friends at the beach or collect them from town or whatever. If my DP complained he’d be getting told in no uncertain terms that I’ll do what I want with my kids, but then my DP wouldn’t even think to say that to me, because he’d be offering to do the lifts.

Fab mum. Don't stop what you're doing x

OP I have been exactly like you with my teens- I was never given lifts myself as a teen, and ended up in some potentially dangerous situations.
Your boyfriend is being a prick.

My OH- the father of our children was if anything more protective of our teens, he would wait for hours, drive in the middle of the night to give lifts, he was very concerned about our kids' safety, and would often drive their friends home too.
And I valued my OH even more for being a kind and supportive father.

Obviously he's totally wrong.
This level of parenting is completely normal...
Except its not for some. Did he have a neglected childhood where facilitating after school/weekend activities just never happened.
Rather than shouting about him being a spoilt sulky man child. Maybe worth exploring this with him. Or set a date night ever other Saturday.

Sounds like he's the one who needs to work on parenting and boundaries if his kids spend all their contact time upstairs on their laptops!