My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

Im sorry but i would always collect ds. And we're not rural but crime at night here is shocking especially the route he'd have to return home on a bus.

We have a blended family but dh equally does the pickups. Ds regularly goes to matches. 9.30 finish. If he walked to city to bus then walk from bus home it would be 11pm..he goes with 2 mates who dh also collects as their parents don't drive they also live 2 and 3 miles from us but who cares theyre safe!
Dh collects most of the time.
Equally i take dsc to clubs.
Thats just how it works.
Eg tomorrow dh will make sure hes home so i can take ds to an event. As is on littles ones bed time.
Or he'll swing by and take ds and i do bed routine.

Id sooner my kids be safe than worry about someone thinking i have no boundaries.

I think you're being a lovely mother. Restricting children and not helping them leads to alienation and then they won't call you to pick them up if tipsy for fear of repercussions and then there'll be trouble. Seems like you do have boundaries, especially since he's going to be working in summer, something a lot of parents would love for their children to do. There's nothing wrong with being a little more relaxed. Your son isn't a baby any more and beyond just different social needs soon he will be choosing what he does and doesn't tell you!

You're a lovely mum. Your kids know they can call you at any time, and you can rest easy, knowing they're not getting lifts home with any old Tom, Dick or Harry. Continue with your wonderful parenting, take no notice of DP!

I think you’re doing a great job! The fact that your son‘s friends can ask you for a lift shoes that even they trust you so you’ve obviously built up a good relationship with your son and all of them. You DP on the other hand sounds like he needs to get his kids off the screen and socialising

Might get flamed for this but sounds like typical bloody stepfather attitude, I’ve had same and it’s difficult. You are parenting your children well, he is jealous, dig your heels in and carry on

Every reply to your post tells you that you know best and have your son's best interest at heart, so please, listen to them. My dad went out of his way for me; I did for my son and daughter and my older grandchildren, and will for my younger grandchildren if needed. Do not be persuaded otherwise by your 'DP'.

I did the same for my DD, as a non drinker I was the only parent in a fit state to drive and that was on a week day! (don’t drink due to medical condition).

I would pick up/drop off her friends so I could sleep knowing where they all were. My late father did exactly the same for me, even collecting me from the nightclub when it closed at 2am, bless him, such a star. It’s called caring for your children, plus now my DD can drive she gives us lifts if we need them , ie airport run 🥳

Don’t listen to the grumpy old prick! You sound like how my mum was with me when I was a teen… and we are really close now, I held down multiple jobs as a teen & throughout uni & post grad… all 3 of us kids have long term partners/married, the two eldest have kids, all 3 of us have bought houses in late 20s etc

my point being is that you are letting your kids experience life but with a safety net, this will help them grow up understanding risk/consequences without them having to face the full brunt of the world after their first night out - good on you & I hope I can be like you & my mum when I’m in your shoes in about 15 years time!

DP is the unreasonable one. Sounds jealous

100%. I have done this many times for my son. I would rather fetch him late at night than have him walk home.
My DH is not his dad and he has never stopped me from doing pick ups etc. He keeps telling DS he needs to learn to drive, but that is the limit of his input.

If DP lives with you and your kids, he gets a say in your lives. If he doesn't live with you, no say. But ferrying your kids about everywhere? I grew up in the country. Last bus home 6.30pm. Had to arrange to stay with mates or walk home, 4 miles, no street lights country roads through woods. Same with my siblings. Once I was driving, they wanted a lift, only for petrol money! It is about independence and learning boundaries. 16 year olds shouldn't be drinking beer unless supervised!

You’re being a normal parent- you’re dp is being horrible. He’s jealous.

To very loosely quote, "Two days does not a summer (or a pattern) make. I find your reasoning to be sound, and your DP to be a jerkwad.

So this grown man is jealous of what you do for your kids? Huge red flag there.

My girls are coming up to 10 and I’ve always said to their stepdad that When the time comes, I’d rather us have to wake up and be mum and stepdad taxi than worry about where they are and them not being safe. And he absolutely supports this. I don’t care what time it is. If they are safe that’s all that’s important In my eyes. So many bad things happen to men and women alone at night. As long as they don’t take the piss but we do these things for lit kids because we love them ♥️ You sound like a fantastic mum to me

I agree. And who could even sleep if you have a 16 year old out late , possibly drinking facing a three mile walk home.
Not many parents could sleep anyway- so you may as well be giving them a lift.

My DS16 also finished his GCSEs thus week, asked to go to a party 10 min walk away, along one lit road, I still offered him and anyone else a lift, due to the lateness (we sometimes get groups of youths doing canisters in our village- nothing to do with my DS or anyone else at the party).
My DH isn't my children's dad, and he only ever tried to tell me what to do once. I pointed out that it was my child, my decision, but I appreciate any ADVICE he wishes to impart, but the final decision is mine. We now have a rule that we support each others decisions when it comes to our own kids and families, even if we don't agree.
Your DP is being a dick x

If DP lives with you and your kids, he gets a say in your lives.

No, he doesn't. He gets a say in matters pertaining to his relationship with OP. He (perhaps) gets a say in financial matters if he contributes. He does not get a say in anything else - that's an invitation to control. He absolutely does not get a say in parenting children who are not his. What kind of handmaiden are you?

I would do exactly the same in your situ. I'm not in your situ with SC as I'm married to DH who is dad to our 2 kids but we did the lifts for our DS from 16 until he/his friends were driving and when they were drinking, we would (and still do) offer lifts when he's back from Uni. Same for our DD, who is 16 nearly 17 and her social life has really ramped up lately but I'm more than happy to be at her "disposal". Neither kids have ever expected lifts from us; they anticipate organising buses or lifts from friends but we'll always offer lifts which they accept. And their friends never ask for lifts; we always offer because more often than not, they have to walk or get taxi (young girls at midnight on their own?!) as their own parents never offer. I can rest my head on my pillow at night, knowing my kids were safely brought home and that for me, is the most important thing.

Not read whole thread but I don't think what you've done shows lack of boundaries at all. At 16 they are still children. They can't drive and if buses aren't there you can't use them. You sound like a lovely Mum. They need to let off some steam and you're helping them do it safely. If they were 21 or you lived somewhere with good public transport I might have answered differently. sounds like he is jealous of you giving your DC attention.

I can’t imagine doing anything other than giving my daughter (same age) and her friends lifts. All of her friends’ parents are the same.

Crikey how would he feel about when I spend all day Sunday ferrying people to hockey matches? I do this gladly because that’s what being a parent is all about!

My own parents did the same for me too