My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

Noted all comments and appreciate the feedback from all.
my children are my number one over any relationship. And yes I will talk to him. As said usually he is incredibly supportive and dies alot of ferrying around and my kids actually really like him. They confide in him on occasion. I do think it was out of character and I felt very hurt and disappointed by his comments as I think I’m a very decent mum and also kind to others, I would never refuse another child a lift. Am proud of my boy and how hard he has worked and the fact he is keen to graft and earn own money to pay for his own stuff. Yes he has a few beers with mates at parties. No he doesn’t get paralytic and no I don’t encourage it or egg him on but I accept that he is slowly growing into a young man. I guess everyone has their own threshold/limits but in my experience if you outright ban something from a teen they will do it whatever you say. At least I know what he is up to, he feels totally safe and knows I will look out for him. He knows he can call me if he ever gets into trouble and ditto for his mates. I’ve said to him that I won’t judge him if he messes up, no one if perfect all the time. We have trust and respect for each other, he can always call me no matter what and I will be there to help him. Consequences are managed depending on the situation, I have no issue taking away privileges from my kids like their phones or PlayStation if they behave badly etc but he is 16! I can’t micromanage him forever.
i think overwhelmingly everyone agrees with my parenting on the whole. Maybe not my choice of partner but as I said, I am only giving you a tiny snap shot of what happened this weekend. Not chapter and verse on our whole relationship.
happy Monday! Mines a G&T!
(am joking!!!)

You sound like a great mum and support to your children.

Don't allow him and his unasked for views undermine what you are doing.

He would be better sorting his own house out rather than interfering in yours!

I would be wary though.
Good luck.

Bloody hell op

suggest you reread your posts

you have done a complete 180

and all so you don’t need to do the right thing - which is remove him from your childrens lives and home

My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries

He said they’re going out of control and I’m doing them no favours.

I am putting it down to him feeling neglected as I was out 2 nights this week too

So he's told you that your kids are entitled and out of control. You know that isn't true.

He's said you have no boundaries, are doing them no favours aka are a poor parent. You know isn't true either.

I've read your most recent post and you seem to be backtracking a little which is your prerogative obviously but based on your previous posts, if someone basically said I wasn't a very good mum and was letting my kids down (which is what he's essentially said more than once) and had a tendency to sulk if they feel me going out twice is a personal insult... not a chance I would think they were a decent bloke I wanted to live with my kids or be with long term 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess I always try and see the good in people and try to see things from their point of view too. Hence prob why I’m sounding like I’m flip flopping. I’m not. I can see he is wrong and being a sulky child. I def need a conversation when the kids aren’t with us this weekend because this is my life. Every other weekend I have my kids and they take priority. End of. But if he doesn’t get that then it’s not going to work. I’m just hoping it was a toys out the pram moment and he fully sees he was being a dick.

How long have you been with him op
every day that passes when you “try to see the good” in him is another day your children feel like you’re prioritising him over them.

seriously - reread your posts. YOUR posts!

He could comment on your parenting if he was taking on the role of a step-parent, particularly if their other bio parent is little involved or not ar all involved, and he's been in the children's lives for sufficient enough time to be a dad figure.

He is not those things by the sounds of it!

He is simply jealous. Very unattractive. I'd be telling him that.

OP, you’re doing nothing wrong. I’m sure your son is grateful to have such a lovely Mum who cares about him and his friends.

Your DP doesn’t get it because his kids are bedroom dwellers but that isn’t your fault.

Every other weekend I have my kids and they take priority. End of. But if he doesn’t get that then it’s not going to work.

But he should 'get that' naturally.

If he doesn't 'get that' your kids are your priority and he has no business calling you a bad mum, and you have to patiently teach him that... he's not someone you should want to be with, surely?

He's literally said you're a bad mum with no boundaries raising entitled, out of control children.

I wouldn't see a mate again if they said that to me, let alone live with them, sleep with them and have them living with the children they're name calling behind their backs.

You say you always try to see the best in people. But your loyalty should be with your kids. Everyone's nice sometimes. That doesn't mean he reaches the bar for a partner, especially when you've got kids. Especially ones he shit talks while criticising you.

Seeing the best in everyone isn't always a positive quality. Sometimes it's a way of not making hard decisions or confronting harsh realities. One of my friends always says this about herself every time she breaks up with the latest horrible boyfriend. All it means is that she chooses to ignore the horrible bits of them to her detriment. The difference is that she doesn't have kids so she's at least only affecting herself.

And you sound like a brilliant mum btw. Which is why it's so l frustrating to hear you defend someone who criticises you and your kids.

Together 6 yrs nearly. But obvs kids only just started having an evening social life that could interfere with our evening. What with lockdown and exams this hasn’t ever been a problem. But I do take everyone’s points and yes I def don’t want a negative undermining jealous man child in my life. And if this is how he feels then as said it won’t work. I am not that desperate to be with someone. The matter needs discussing when house is child free.

I think the op needs to grasp that being a “brilliant mum” is a heck of a lot more than doing lifts in the evening.

It is about looking at your romantic relationship and thinking whether or not it is in the best interest of your children and then making the sacrifice of ending it desire how you personally feel

How long has he lived with you?

None of your p's business. You sound like a great mum and I'd do exactly the same re lifts. I took dd and two mates to a party in the middle of nowhere last week and picked up, and they are all 18!!

Your p's kids' habits don't sound very healthy at all, and he doesn't sound like a great dad.

Your parenting styles sound incompatible... what's good about him?

This.

You sound like a lovely mum!! Your partner is a twat.

Wow! You sound like an excellent Mum and he sounds like a boring old bell end. You keep doing you

As others have said, your OP sounds a cockwomble! Get shut pronto. You sound like a lovely, sensible person. Your kids are lucky to have you. Good luck 🤞 xx

Sounds a lot like my ex. He had so many issues and was basically jealous of my kids, my dog, my friends, anything that took me away from him! Apparently I didn’t prioritise him. F*ck off mate. My kids come first and my parenting decisions may not suit you. stand your ground and let your man baby suck it up

My teen has just finished GCSEs too and has been out 3 nights in a row. It’s a bit of a milestone leaving school so I’m happy for him to celebrate with mates and kick back after the shit two years they have had. Tell your DP to stop being so needy and look at his own parenting before he criticises yours.

You’re a wonderful mum. And it sounds like your children are already a credit to you. You have a balanced perspective on this and DP’s behaviour. Trust yourself.

@Lola4321 my DD is nearly 17 and when she goes out to parties I know her and her friends are all drinking. I have no problems with her drinking as others have said the worst kids are the ones with strict parents who don't allow drinking and the kids end up going crazy and getting very drunk!

Responsible parenting is allowing them to have a few drinks, knowing they can always phone you at any time for a lift or if they feel unsafe, not being the child that is terrified to go home as their parents don't know they drink and potentially ending up in danger.

Also I love the tipsy chats too!

The OP sounds like a fab responsible mum to me.

This is how my step dad started. Constantly dripping poison into my mum's ear about how horrid we all were. None of it was true but she put every man before us. Out of her four kids, only one has contact and that is sporadic and emotionally distant.

He's the one who sounds 'entitled'. Like he's jealous of the attention you give your children. You are only practicing natural concern and common sense with them. And 'boundaries' in this sense should not be relevant to the parent-child relationship: these are your children, not work colleagues whom you might wish to prevent from encroaching too much on your private life.

You seem like a wise mum getting it right for your teenage kids. He is being unreasonable!