To expect the hospital to be more considerate of pregnant mums?

[buttercuplizzy]

My 3 year old son broke his leg 2 weeks ago and has been in hospital since. He is expected to be in hospital another week.

I cannot fault the care my Son has received, it has been exceptional. But I am 30 weeks pregnant and I'm at breaking point. I suffered badly from Hypermesis, which has been under control for several months now. But the lack of sleep, proper food, stress etc is having such a toll on my body. My nausea and sickness has come back and I just feel broken and at the point I am worrying about the health of myself and baby....

Am I sounding melodramatic? We have a daughter at home to care for and not a massive amount of family support. I am struggling with the lack of sleep, caused by being on a busy ward with lots of middle of the night admittance. Im struggling with the physical care my son needs. Im struggling with the poor diet.

I understand my son, and not me, is the patient. But surely they have a duty of care towards pregnant women? Im exhausted, how can I respectfully raise this with staff? I just feel like I need more help and a quieter environment- not sure if either are possible. Or any other solutions- me and my husband are currently doing alternating 24 hour shifts.

@1VY i wish you had posted on here during that time as I’m sure many posters would have been happy to bring you a meal once your DC was asleep.

My DD was not allowed off the ward and I was not allowed to leave her.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you are allowed to leave the ward. A hospital cannot deprive you of your liberty, it’s illegal. The wards are generally locked at a certain time later at night for safety purposes and even then they have to let you out (but are not obliged to let you back in before general opening in the morning). If I was told that I would have laughed in their face. It’s good practice to let them know when you are leaving, but you certainly can leave and go eat. If your child becomes hysterical and there is a potential for them to hurt themselves a staff member will materialise. Do you know the amount of paperwork involved if something adverse happens on their watch? Tons. If there’s one thing you don’t risk it’s a fucktonne of paperwork and investigation. Trust me. It’s not your responsibility to find another parent to watch your child. You simply inform them you are leaving to eat, your child is their responsibility until you return from breakfast/lunch/dinner and go. It’s that simple.

Not the hospital staff at fault, it's your lazy husband. He can take a few days off work and pull his weight.

Well they said to me of course you can leave but we can't guarantee we have the staff to keep an eye (he wasn't in a cot but a regular bed and of course was getting up and being a pest regularly) you'd laugh in their face? Personally I didn't feel comfortable leaving him, and don't think we should be shaming those who with a poorly child listened to what the staff were saying and abided by it. Sure in the cold light of day would have been good to be more assertive and see the woods from the trees, but just because you can legally leave doesn't mean its a good idea in all cases.

Oh OP so much sympathy. The NHS should not be so understaffed that it can't cope with helping parents with children's care but it is.
My DD was admitted to a paeds ward at a few weeks old. It was in a basement, no signal so I couldn't even communicate with my husband, no parents shower or kitchen or room or anything. I wasn't allowed to leave her on the ward for anything so couldn't go get myself food/a drink at all (and of course they didn't feed parents, even breastfeeding parents).
Even though I pumped and my husband could have stayed instead, they insisted it was me - even though I had mastitis and was so unwell I was vomiting with it and passed out. They said it still had to be me who stayed. Then they did none of the babycare to help me out despite how unwell I was, except one HCA one night came and took her away for a cuddle for two hours so I could sleep - I could have cried with gratitude. It was hot and exhausting. They didn't even do the medical monitoring, they gave me a chart on a piece of paper and told me to do it myself.
It's all very well saying 'you aren't their patient' but it is not acceptable for them to completely ignore the needs of pregnant and postnatal mothers or the hospital will end up with more patients! And they need to be equipped to actually look after the patients they have so that parents can fulfil basic needs (like eating, showering, sleeping) or they won't be well enough themselves to look after their child.

Well if that’s true I’d welcome social cares involvement. For some parents that would be leaving under 16 home alone unable to attend school cooking for themselves or leaving a sick child in a secure site with dbs adults.

in this situation as you have said here, I’d welcome social care tbh. In my direct experience with sc they have staff or funding to take kids into care because a parent is trying their best, that much I do know. Do you think there are rafts of kids homes or foster carers to scoop up kids who parents break doing as the op? I call BS

I'm sorry but I seriously can't believe anyone was not 'allowed' to leave the ward. It's not a prison.
As I said upthread during one of my daughter's stays it was during covid and parents had a special pass to show that we were allowed in the hospital and allowed to move around the hospital (ie go to Costa) - so they expected us to pop out from time to time.
Although @AnIckabog 's ward sounds horrible.

Some of these experiences sound awful. I spent the night on the ward with DD (6 weeks old) a couple of days ago and because of her age we had a private room so I had an en suite with a shower. They also brought me round breakfast, and a menu to order lunch and dinner - in the end we left mid-morning. I assumed that was either because they always fed all the parents, or because they fed parents of very young children who the parents wouldn't be able to leave the child to get food. Do most hospitals not feed parents in those circumstances?
Even with the private room and being fed, I could see how exhausting it would be to be there multiple nights/longer term.

SC DONT have resources I mean.

the last time I was at breaking point and threatened with cp I told them the kids would be on the doorstep with cases waiting for them so come get them. Don’t threaten me, do it. Guess what? They didn’t come. Instead they had to step up and help give emergency respite. Who looks after all the kids when mum can no longer function? Mary Poppins?

professionals threatening parents with CP in unsustainable situations of caring? Nice.

When DS was 4 months we were in for a week and I wasn't fed because I wasn't breastfeeding. The shower was foul and I had to ask a friend to bring me a towel and DH brought me changes of clothes. There was a baby who wasn't accompanied by a parent and it was just left to cry. MNetters would be horrified as they nowadays seem to think a baby allowed to cry for 30 minutes merits contacting SS.

When DD was 6 months we were in for two nights - bronchiolitis so the same as DS - I was fed because I was breastfeeding.

With DS the nurses were actually lovely and very kind; it was the hospital that was decrepit but never mind it closed when Labour were elected in 1997. With DD the hospital and facilities were whizzo but the nurses and the Dr were surly and rude. I recall the Dr insisting on knowing how many mls of milk dd was drinking and becoming very insistent that I must know how much my breasts held before a feed. She was quite aggressive and stormed out of the lovely little side room when I gently ventured that unlike bottles breasts were not calibrated. You would expect a paediatrician to know that really.

Because he’ll be in traction.

Well they said to me of course you can leave but we can't guarantee we have the staff to keep an eye (he wasn't in a cot but a regular bed and of course was getting up and being a pest regularly) you'd laugh in their face?

Yes, I sure would. Did I mention the paperwork if something goes wrong? If they told me they don’t have any staff to deal with keeping a child safe while you eat, I would have said good luck with that and your paperwork and investigation when it goes tits up. They will find someone. I was in the hospital system for decades as both a clinician and parent of a child frequently in a kids hospital for prolonged stays. I know exactly how this works.

@buttercuplizzy how are you doing?

Some posters on this thread have been completely needlessly twattish to you. It would be nice if people could give support to a struggling pregnant mother whose child is in hospital. It's one of the crappest situations to be in as a parent, even without being pregnant.

I hope you and DS are doing as well as can be expected. How is the relationship with your DH and are you getting enough support from him?

@RosesAndHellebores you can't really compare a hospital experience from a hospital that closed 25 years ago to one today. Methods have changed a lot since then.

@Needmorelego they jump on every nhs thread with tales from 25 years ago.

Simply trying to indicate that the issues aren't new.

@DontLikeCoffeehow bizarre.

@RosesAndHellebores yes but things have changed in 25 years. There is a lot of support and facilities for parents now that didn't exist before.

how is this relevant in 2022

@bloodyplanes

Also all the parents who are happy to just " leave" a child there alone overnight are just strange!

Literally no one has said they'd be happy to leave their child overnight, or that the OP should be leaving her child overnight alone.

What people have said is (1) dad should be doing more overnights (2) in response to the 'you have to stay or social services will be called' confirming to the OP, that it's really not the case (3) that it's ok to pop out to the parents room/toilet occasionally.

@CallOnMe thats so sweet, but it was before I was on Mn and knew about this wonderful community of women.

@QuebecBagnet i was scared to complain , in case my DD needed ongoing treatment ( which in fact she did ). And also I wasn’t sure if i was just being unreasonable, as so many posters on this thread seem to think.

@HoppingPavlova if i had left my baby she would have stood up in the cot, screaming the place down and shaking the bars. The nurses wouldn’t have come, Dd would have been hysterical and all they other mums and children would have been kept awake. She was traumatised enough as it was, without me leaving her.

Actually if you RTFT several people have said and suggested it, someone who’s just finished working on a peads ward suggested it on like page 2, someone else said “Wait until he goes to sleep go home and keep your phone on rock up in the morning is what i would do especially if he seems ok and settled and recovering. You dont sit with a child at home sick just staring at them until dawn breaks.” Amongst others.

@3amAndImStillAwake no most hospitals don't feed the parents because ward managers say 'they're not the patient' they feed breast feeding mothers but no one else (adult) in my trust.

I worked on a paeds ward with a nurse who told parents who said they were tired ' who hasn't been tired as a parent with a sick baby' she also did social service referrals for parents who left their children over night.
She's left now and I'm glad

I work on a ward for children with cancer and I got hauled over the coals for ordering the child who was dying a meal 3x a day so their parents could eat because 'they're not the patients and it's not appropriate to waste ward funds like that' I told her to take it out of my wages. This was earlier this year and I'm glad to say she was replaced fairly quickly after that.

It's just basic care to look after the care givers!