This is not ok, is it? DH and DD.

[Thistledew]

DD is two years and two months.

For some reason she is going through a phase of resisting going to sleep. We do bathtime, story and then I close her blinds, put on some soothing music and her sparkly lamp and usually stroke her hair until she falls asleep.

Except for the last week or so she has been resisting sleep and at the point where normally she would be about to drop off she will sit up, play with her cuddly toys, ask for a breadstick, demand another story etc. Bedtime should be between 7.30 and 8pm, but we have been lucky to get her asleep by 9pm recently.

Today seemed particularly bad. It was passed 9pm and she was still not settling to sleep. As she kept trying to get me to play with her toys with her (and as I was getting frustrated) I said to her that I would not sit in the room with her but would wait outside until she was ready to go to sleep. She kept trying to follow me out so I was telling her to get back in bed and that it was sleeping time.

DH noticed me struggling and offered to take over. Unfortunately, DD only wanted me, and got upset and was trying to get past him and get out of the room. DH’s response (which I saw on the baby monitor) was to repeatedly push or drop her back into the bed, or to grab her legs and move them back into the bed as she tried to get out.

I could tell things were getting more and more fraught so I went back in. I picked up DD and she was shaking, but after a very quick cuddle she indicated she wanted to get back into her bed and then after one further very short story she was asleep.

I said to DH that I did not think it was helpful for him to manhandle her like that. She was getting more upset and it was not helping her to settle to sleep. It looked more like an attempt at discipline than helping her to go to bed. His response was that he had no other options and that he wouldn’t help at all in the future if his efforts were not good enough.

I replied that if he really couldn’t think of any other way than manhandling DD then yes, it would be better that he didn’t get involved.

AIBU that his treatment of DD was not appropriate? From listening to her she sounded cross rather than frightened, but it still clearly was not helping her calm down and settle for sleep.

Your poor dd. She was shaking. What a bastard.

He's abusive. Save yourself and your child from him.

I imagine he got frustrated at the hours of pandering and nonsense, I would too. What's he supposed to do when she won't stay in bed, just sit there? No, he puts her back in bed and makes her lie down. Seems pretty reasonable to me. You said yourself she wasn't upset or scared, just cross she wasn't getting her way. So you came in, gave her exactly what she wanted, hooray!

I'd be pissed off if I were him too.

I would have had a lot more to say if that was my dh & toddler tbh. Of course it is not ok to be pushing over a 2yo!

I would also explain that he is not ‘helping’ you, you are both her parents.

yabu to be stroking her to sleep though, you are just making you life more difficult. Get a stair gate so she is safe, do story time and then make it clear its time to sleep.

I'm gonna get flamed for this but if he hasn't form for acting like this and it was a total one off, then I'd cut him some slack.

I remember vividly the bedtime battels and frayed tempers of that age. I lost it at least once. He tried something and it wasn't ideal, but your lo will be fine (as long as it's a one off).

Hang in there together and keep talking. You will get through it.

Not appropriate at all. She’s a baby. He is an adult.

All children go through phases like this with their sleep, it’s totally normal. Soothing her would have helped her calm down; flinging her back into bed will only make things worse.

Meh I did that with DD a few times. Stopped because it didn't work.

His method didn't work and it's fair enough if you don't like it and you wouldn't want it done again. However ,yours isn't working either so you will have to find something else.

It's fine. You were both understandably getting frustrated with her. He didn't hurt her, he just pushed her back onto her mattress. It's a one off. Perhaps not the right approach to settle her but certainly nothing to get yourself in a flap about.

agree with this. She is 2 and well able to understand what she is doing. I am certain that both our DS's were put back to bed in a similar fashion when they would not stay in bed

I couldn't get worked up about it.

My mouth actually fell open when I read what your h did.
Who pushes a child? Apart from someone who is abusive?? I think your main problem is your h not your dd

She’s a baby.

She's two.

I think there’s quite a big difference between gently picking a child up and putting them back in bed ((which I would do) and manhandling her as you describe (which I emphatically would not).
she’s a little girl, not recalcitrant livestock

Side note, does your Dd still have a nap? My ds is 2 and a month. If he naps any longer than about half an hour, he's up til 10. Which I can't be dealing with.

With ds1, I tried the 'I'll come back in if you're lying down and quiet' trick. Did work, eventually. But then he was still in a cot, so couldn't escape...

Who pushes a child? Someone who is trying to get her back into bed after two hours of trying with other methods?

Tell him that you want to just keep doing it your way if he can't do it for only two hours using non physical methods.

Almost everyone with kids will remember a night like this when they won’t go to sleep and you’re pissed off/tired etc.

However almost none of them will have done this - because it’s not ok.

So he pushed her back into the bed? Hardly abusive. You both sound at the end of your tether and yep what he did wasn’t helpful but it doesn’t make him the worst dad on the planet either. Draw a line under it and try again tomorrow.

I’ve never pushed one of my kids. End of tether or not.

OP is using words such as manhandle, push, drop. I would say that’s far too physical and especially when the child is left shaking in fear, OPs own language.

It’s impossible to say without knowing the strength and tone of the pushing but repeatedly laying your child down or pushing them flat isn’t unusual I’m sure for parents. If she wasn’t frightened and was just annoyed as she wanted to be awake that’s one thing, if she was shaking with fear that’s another.
Sounds like you need to work together to work out a better bedtime routine. Spending 2 hours + pandering and settling a 2 year old would be unbearable night after night!

What he did was take his irritation out on a small child. That’s really shit.

However, the stroking and pandering has to stop. She’s trying to engage with you and play with you because you’re essentially offering yourself to her by being there. And she has learnt that if she doesn’t sleep she gets cuddles and more stories.

How exactly was he 'dropping her back onto the bed'??

There’s a difference between shoving her back onto the bed or gently pushing her backwards into the bed when she tries to get out. Which was it? Hard to comment without seeing what he did, but assuming there are no other concerns about his parenting / treatment of DD I don’t think this is abuse/ LTB territory…

Op specifically said DD sounded cross rather than frightened.

I think you are taking your frustrations out on him a bit.

It’s not ideal but it’s human, it didn’t work and he is unlikely to try it again. Your daughter wasn’t frightened.

He needs to be told he’s not ‘helping’ however.