This is not ok, is it? DH and DD.

[Thistledew]

DD is two years and two months.

For some reason she is going through a phase of resisting going to sleep. We do bathtime, story and then I close her blinds, put on some soothing music and her sparkly lamp and usually stroke her hair until she falls asleep.

Except for the last week or so she has been resisting sleep and at the point where normally she would be about to drop off she will sit up, play with her cuddly toys, ask for a breadstick, demand another story etc. Bedtime should be between 7.30 and 8pm, but we have been lucky to get her asleep by 9pm recently.

Today seemed particularly bad. It was passed 9pm and she was still not settling to sleep. As she kept trying to get me to play with her toys with her (and as I was getting frustrated) I said to her that I would not sit in the room with her but would wait outside until she was ready to go to sleep. She kept trying to follow me out so I was telling her to get back in bed and that it was sleeping time.

DH noticed me struggling and offered to take over. Unfortunately, DD only wanted me, and got upset and was trying to get past him and get out of the room. DH’s response (which I saw on the baby monitor) was to repeatedly push or drop her back into the bed, or to grab her legs and move them back into the bed as she tried to get out.

I could tell things were getting more and more fraught so I went back in. I picked up DD and she was shaking, but after a very quick cuddle she indicated she wanted to get back into her bed and then after one further very short story she was asleep.

I said to DH that I did not think it was helpful for him to manhandle her like that. She was getting more upset and it was not helping her to settle to sleep. It looked more like an attempt at discipline than helping her to go to bed. His response was that he had no other options and that he wouldn’t help at all in the future if his efforts were not good enough.

I replied that if he really couldn’t think of any other way than manhandling DD then yes, it would be better that he didn’t get involved.

AIBU that his treatment of DD was not appropriate? From listening to her she sounded cross rather than frightened, but it still clearly was not helping her calm down and settle for sleep.

I can’t believe so many people are dismissing a mum’s maternal instincts.

Putting her back into bed fine, dropping her, yanking her legs or forcefully pushing her down is not OK let the situation calm down and explain to him that it wasn't helping and her physically shaking should have been a warning sign to him.

But you playing with her etc isn't helping matters either. It's a firm time for bed now and if she gets out you say once no time for bed goodnight after that calm but quiet lead her back.

My 3 Yr old takes a time to go to sleep he jobbers away plays with his soft toys etc it's fine as long as he stays in bed and calm. We don't go to him unless it's important and usually he gets bored in 15 minutes and falls asleep

I think calls of abuse are a bit ridiculous.

DD used to faff around going to bed, and I’d pander to it. I used to find it so frustrating and wish DH would do it some nights, but his position was that he didn’t have any truck with the faffing and pandering required, and so didn’t want any part of it. And I mean, in hindsight that’s fair enough. Probably even the better option!

He wouldn’t have gone in there and escalated the situation?!

I mean, how does that help?

this is the Suppernanny way. You sound like a drama queen with a pfb.

put on some soothing music and her sparkly lamp and usually stroke her hair until she falls asleep.

^

Rod, own, back.

This is too much

I'm amazed so many people think this was okay.

Oh wow OP you are making a HUGE rod for your own back. If you have an older child you must know that 2yrs + is when they really start pushing and testing the boundaries. Why on earth were you spying on your dh? Prepare for some really fun evenings going forward as you have just clearly shown your daughter that messing around, tantrumming and when she doesn't get her own way shrieking for Mummy gets her exactly what she wants . I'd be really cross if I was your dh, he's tried to put an end to the bedtime nonsense by being firm (doesn't sound like he hurt her at all) and you completely undermined him.

As a mental health nurse what stands out is that your daughter needs to learn to self soothe ... stroking her until she falls asleep is doing her a massive disservice.

Children NEED to learn how to fall asleep- by staying with her you are sending her the message that she is not safe and that she needs you there .

Im curious OP as to whether you feel the need to be needed... because you are creating unhelpful dependence .

You’re right that DH wasn’t helping her, but as others have pointed out you don’t seem to be as concerned that your approach has also been unhelpful. She hasn’t learnt how to get to sleep with you there the whole time and this isn’t a one off, you’ve built this up over months and months by sounds of it.

Try talking with DH about parenting more generally. In a week or so when this is behind you and you don’t both have raw nerves about what’s just happened. Be prepared to listen to his concerns about your parenting style too. This isn’t a one way “discussion”. If that’s not constructive, maybe a parenting course together to get you both on the same page and provide more neutral input about what will work.

I think you are right to be concerned about DH’s frustration coming out as anger. That’s the case for a great many parents, but when it leads to somewhat careless or reckless physical interactions there is some risk there. Perhaps, again when things are calmer, talk to him about how he thinks DD see’s that sort of interaction with him. Point out (assuming that this is true) that he could do something similar to you physically when he got frustrated and it might make you do what he wanted if it scared you enough, but it would obviously change the way you saw him and is that what he wants for his child? Because it’s not what you’d ever want for your kids.

Always looking for a fight aren't you OP

Read her other threads, very dramatic about everything.

And op knows she will always find many who will agree with them to feed her overreaction to small things

YABU stroking her to sleep at 2.

No that is unacceptable behaviour for an adult to a toddler. You must ensure he doesn’t get involved at bed time again OP, as he clearly can’t control himself. I hope bed times get easier soon, I can remember those days very well.

You clearly haven’t read the other threads properly. In the cake one the op was upset because her DH doesn’t listen and claims to forget conversations they’ve had - nothing to do with the cake not being up to the OPs standards.

and the school one was the MIL being upset at what the teacher said and the OP asking if she was right in thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

very unfair of you to come on and misrepresent the OP like that.

Except the OP did not say her DD was shaking ‘in fear’, did she

But why let truth and accuracy get in the way of a story, eh?

It doesn’t sound abusive but it does sound like the situation was escalating, which doesn’t help anything.

Always posters calling abuse. Can posters STOP claiming all behaviour is abusive? It js damaging and undermining to real victims of abuse. Your husband wasn't abusive. Putting your own child back on their bed when they keep trying to get out is NOT abuse for goodness sake. Get a grip.

I wouldn't be okay with how he handled it.

It's a tough time. To give him the benefit of the doubt he was probably trying to be consistent in his approach. A toddler shouldn't be pushed, pulled, dropped, grabbed or anything of the sort. Hopefully if he was an outsider looking in he would know his approach was damaging and making it worse.

It is hard to navigate a toddlers behaviour and it can become stressful very quickly. Some men don't seem to have the same levels of patience. You need to have a full tank of it in these situations. Speak to him again about it. There's some behaviours that can't be applied with a toddler. You should be able to rely on him to help hard times, not hinder.

This! I'd leave you to it if I were him.

Agree with this. He could see your approach of stroking her to sleep was no longer working and yes he was obviously frustrated. You do need to sort it out as you’re going to have months, potentially years of bedtime battles. Those saying he’s abusive and to leave him, complete over reaction. He was just trying to make it clear there were no other options than to stay in bed. Maybe not ideal but as you say she was cross not scared, as she’s not getting her own way.

Op I really feel for you. There is a real lack of compassion on this thread for a mum trying her best to work out how to support her DD and help her get some sleep.

Going in and taking back over is apparently undermining DH. But I'd you'd said "I could see getting quite rough with DD on the monitor but I left him to it" Peopls would have said "I can't believe these mums who don't protect their children blah blah"

It's very hard for people to know if he was being too rough but I would say if his actions were out of anger and frustration rather than calmly following a technique....you were right to step in

Also he can fuck off with the "I won't help again then". Precious much? He's not helping you when it's own kid.

You need to blackout the room. Not just curtains, but completely black. Get some velcro, put it round the window frame and some blackout material that makes the room completely dark. She will go to sleep much easier and won't wake up at the cracknof dawn either.

I went through this with my DD, and have seen it work with every other child where this has been done.