This is not ok, is it? DH and DD.

[Thistledew]

DD is two years and two months.

For some reason she is going through a phase of resisting going to sleep. We do bathtime, story and then I close her blinds, put on some soothing music and her sparkly lamp and usually stroke her hair until she falls asleep.

Except for the last week or so she has been resisting sleep and at the point where normally she would be about to drop off she will sit up, play with her cuddly toys, ask for a breadstick, demand another story etc. Bedtime should be between 7.30 and 8pm, but we have been lucky to get her asleep by 9pm recently.

Today seemed particularly bad. It was passed 9pm and she was still not settling to sleep. As she kept trying to get me to play with her toys with her (and as I was getting frustrated) I said to her that I would not sit in the room with her but would wait outside until she was ready to go to sleep. She kept trying to follow me out so I was telling her to get back in bed and that it was sleeping time.

DH noticed me struggling and offered to take over. Unfortunately, DD only wanted me, and got upset and was trying to get past him and get out of the room. DH’s response (which I saw on the baby monitor) was to repeatedly push or drop her back into the bed, or to grab her legs and move them back into the bed as she tried to get out.

I could tell things were getting more and more fraught so I went back in. I picked up DD and she was shaking, but after a very quick cuddle she indicated she wanted to get back into her bed and then after one further very short story she was asleep.

I said to DH that I did not think it was helpful for him to manhandle her like that. She was getting more upset and it was not helping her to settle to sleep. It looked more like an attempt at discipline than helping her to go to bed. His response was that he had no other options and that he wouldn’t help at all in the future if his efforts were not good enough.

I replied that if he really couldn’t think of any other way than manhandling DD then yes, it would be better that he didn’t get involved.

AIBU that his treatment of DD was not appropriate? From listening to her she sounded cross rather than frightened, but it still clearly was not helping her calm down and settle for sleep.

stopstartstop
oh do get a grip!!

Isn't this just the Supernanny way

Op can you clarify what you mean by push and drop her back into bed.

clearly a hard shove type of push is not ok. is that what you’re saying your partner did? Or do you do mean push as in a gentle open palm on her back to guide her from the door towards the bed.

What do you mean when you say pushing and dropping?
Moving her legs back to the bed when she was trying to get out is perfectly reasonable. If he's just putting her back when she's getting up he's done nothing wrong. Only you know if you've over reacted with the "man handling" comments, or whether it was gentler than that and you're annoyed.
If she was that frightened that she was shaking, would she not have been screaming and crying for you?
Is it possible this is all a bit over dramatised?
Only you know the extent of it, I don't think anyone here can give you proper advice to be honest. If you truly think your husband has man handled and been physically abusive to your daughter, you need to be calling the police.

Yeah I agree too. Without seeing exactly what happened, there is an extremely wide representation of what 'pushing' a toddler onto her bed can actually mean.

It's entirely possible of course that he was too harsh. Equally it's possible you're too soft.

If I was your DH I couldnt stand that amount of pandering and softly softly approach either. I think he did the right thing to leave you to your preferred methods. Which don't seem to be working very well either.

She’s 2!! There are SO many reasons why a 2 year old doesn’t go to sleep exactly when you want them to. Toddlers need love and attention not physical punishment. She may be hungry, needs to drop a nap, need comfort, be going through a developmental change, be growing physically and be in discomfort, be unwell and not know how to articulate it, feel lonely, feel scared….What the hell is wrong with giving a 2 year old extra cuddles and attention when they want them.

ive missed dinner twice in the last week because my similar age DC was fighting sleep until 11 at night. He’s dropped his nap but still sometimes has one at nursery and this is the result. The last 2 days we’ve reminded nursery not to let him nap and he’s in bed on time and sleeping.

Two hours of extra cuddles is a lot of extra cuddles.

You both sound ridiculous. Hours of hair stroking and pandering is crazy but if he was rough putting her to bed then that’s obviously terrible behaviour.

from your language it doesn’t sound like he’s great but I wonder if your description is exaggerated or whether he was aggressive.

It’s hard when they won’t sleep but she is still so little.

There will be hundreds of threads about toddler sleep on here that say you have to keep putting them back to bed, and if they keep getting up then how else is that going to happen other than picking them up and putting them back into bed? Similarly for brushing teeth, getting dressed and all those other things that toddlers love to make difficult - plenty of people will say toothbrushing is non-negotiable and if that means restraining the child then so be it.

Considering this, I think there is an enormous spectrum of behaviour that could be covered by your description, OP. It's very hard to know without being there whether it was 'firm but gentle' or unacceptably forceful.

This child is only just 2. I think some peoples idea of what a child this age understands and should be able to do it way off. A child this age is WAY too young for discipline.

Which is fine if the parent is happy to do,or not that bothered really. OP herself admits she was getting frustrating so she wasn't happy with the hours of extra cuddles.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with physically moving a toddler or returning them to bed and lots of strategies (eg: supernanny Jo Frost) advise this should be done without a conversation and without engaging with the child beyond saying something simple like, ‘It’s time for bed.but obviously if this is done aggressively/ with force then it’s not okay.

It’s hard to tell from you post whether you are over sensitive and being too soft with your DD and are upset at your DP moving your DD physically but without aggression or whether he was crossing the line and being abusive. Obviously ‘pushing’ and ‘droppings’ could mean aggressively and with force or could actually just mean directing/ putting down a resisting toddler whilst trying not to engage in negotiations.

Maybe you need to read some articles or watch some videos offering advise around how to manage bedtimes with a resisting toddler. Videos of parents returning a resisting toddler to bed might also assist you in recognising whether your partner was acting outside of these recommendations as you can compare his behaviour, even if you don’t agree with the methods if you are looking at something that’s been broadcast on national TV (eg: supernanny) it’s not abusive. If you feel your husbands behaviour was wildly outside of this and aggressive then you probably need to consider whether you can keep your DD safe around him.

Assuming it wasn’t aggressive and forceful though I think moving forward you need to research and agree on a bedtime strategy, make a plan for bedtime during the day and work together to stick to it consistently. If you and your DP are approaching bedtime from completely different angles it’s going to be difficult for you to make any progress with it.

Exactly this

I honestly can't imagine getting into a situation where you have to stroke a child's hair for an hour a night to get her to sleep.

Anyway, just do things your own way OP and your dh can do other things. He could read the story, do the bath etc and then leave the next couple of hours to you.

If anyone had watched me trying to get ds in his pushchair when he was having a tantrum & going rigid they would have thought I was committing murder. Have you ever tried to bend a rigid 2 year old? Your dd is growing up & she is learning that she can she can do what she wants, it is all part of development & the not sleeping is part of it.

This

Bath, teeth, story, kiss and cuddle, the lights out and that’s it. If child makes a fuss back to bed with no communication. Far too much pandering here, child getting wound up, parents getting pissed off.

I don’t think he was manhandling her but returning her to her bed like every book/ super nanny tells you. I wouldn’t stoke a healthy 2year olds hair back to sleep- you have way too much time if so.
as for her sleep- shorten or drop the nap

I’ve been there! So has my DH. Our DD just laughed and wound us up even more! Bed times like this are tough. If it’s a one off and he wasn’t aggresssive I would give him some slack.

Agree with all this. Shoving a standing toddler back onto her bed is absolutely not OK. Trying to keep her in bed, as long as not applying excessive force, is fine (whether it works to get her to stay is a different matter).

It does sound as if you are making a massive meal out of bedtime, OP. Was your DD really shaking with fear, or was she having a toddler tantrum because your DH was trying to give bedtime more structure? Because there is a huge difference.

It does read like that ,yes.