This is not ok, is it? DH and DD.

[Thistledew]

DD is two years and two months.

For some reason she is going through a phase of resisting going to sleep. We do bathtime, story and then I close her blinds, put on some soothing music and her sparkly lamp and usually stroke her hair until she falls asleep.

Except for the last week or so she has been resisting sleep and at the point where normally she would be about to drop off she will sit up, play with her cuddly toys, ask for a breadstick, demand another story etc. Bedtime should be between 7.30 and 8pm, but we have been lucky to get her asleep by 9pm recently.

Today seemed particularly bad. It was passed 9pm and she was still not settling to sleep. As she kept trying to get me to play with her toys with her (and as I was getting frustrated) I said to her that I would not sit in the room with her but would wait outside until she was ready to go to sleep. She kept trying to follow me out so I was telling her to get back in bed and that it was sleeping time.

DH noticed me struggling and offered to take over. Unfortunately, DD only wanted me, and got upset and was trying to get past him and get out of the room. DH’s response (which I saw on the baby monitor) was to repeatedly push or drop her back into the bed, or to grab her legs and move them back into the bed as she tried to get out.

I could tell things were getting more and more fraught so I went back in. I picked up DD and she was shaking, but after a very quick cuddle she indicated she wanted to get back into her bed and then after one further very short story she was asleep.

I said to DH that I did not think it was helpful for him to manhandle her like that. She was getting more upset and it was not helping her to settle to sleep. It looked more like an attempt at discipline than helping her to go to bed. His response was that he had no other options and that he wouldn’t help at all in the future if his efforts were not good enough.

I replied that if he really couldn’t think of any other way than manhandling DD then yes, it would be better that he didn’t get involved.

AIBU that his treatment of DD was not appropriate? From listening to her she sounded cross rather than frightened, but it still clearly was not helping her calm down and settle for sleep.

I can’t believe that you were hovering over the baby monitor critiquing what he was doing and waiting to rush in and take over. Take it from someone who has two teenagers now, you either get on the same page with your partner or you’re in for some long and difficult years ahead with a couple of kids running rings around you while you congratulate yourself for being the favourite.

Your daughter played you, it was a tantrum and you fell for it. Expect tomorrow night to be worse because she is going to scream louder and louder until she gets her own way.

Next time you need to leave the house and let him get on with it. You’ll find she behaves much better when she knows mummy won’t be coming running to save her from having her legs moved too quickly.

His technique is rubbish but frankly we’re (mostly) all amateurs at this parenting stuff.

You sound like a drama queen OP, I'm not surprised that your husband is pissed off because you keep pandering to your daughter.

Gosh. The second "man of the house pushes DD's lags back into bed" this week!
Except this time with paternal rights, unlike the previous thread.

What are the chances of that?

I'd let him take bedtimes over if he can be more assertive than you. She'll scream and cry because she's not getting her own way. Not because he's hurting her

You both need to sort out the bedtime routine.

You need to agree on a method together. Both of you are doing it wrong. You because you’re making her dependent on you to fall asleep. He because he was a bit rough maybe, but she got upset because you’re not letting her fall asleep independently. You need to do your routine right up until you put her in bed, but you put her down awake, say goodnight and let her fall asleep herself. If she gets out of bed, or gets upset, go in and give a quick cuddle, but put her down awake. Repeat until she settles. If it takes a while that’s because she needs to learn how to do it first, but she’ll get better.

I’d say put the past behind you. You under reacted, he over reacted.

Do a bit of research today and come up with a half way plan that you are both happy with - and be consistent and both on the same page.

This

Agree

Well, no, On OP's own analysis her child was cross, not distressed. Presumably because she wasn't getting her own way,

I think loads of parents (from my sample of about 100) have had nights like this. Hours of this is tough and he isn’t a monster for trying to firmly set boundaries. In reality it won’t work because it will just make the child more awake! But I don’t think it’s helpful to start accusing one another. This is a time to regroup as a team and agree a strategy.

Op I had this with my DC when they were younger, instead of trying to force them to sleep we taught them that they could play for a few minutes in bed with one teddy bear or look at a picture book, but they had to stay in bed. Dc would always drift off to sleep themselves and we never had any issues because we met them half way, we put a stair gate on their door and so once we left they knew that we would not be back in unless they needed something like water or were really upset.

He's abusive. Save yourself and your child from him

seriously? I hear these responses too when a dh leaves out a dirty cup.

On OP's own analysis her child was cross, not distressed. Presumably because she wasn't getting her own way

this and I think op is being a bit precious here but then that seems to be common on mn amongst how we treat children;and on the next thread there will be a load of messages about how parents fail to discipline their kids and how kids are getting worse today...

Exactly this!

It's bath, story, cuddle, kiss, "I love you, time to shut your eyes. See you in the morning."

Exactly. Fgs manhandling are you serious? She was doing this because she knows you pander to her. I have done this to my son, firmly put him back into bed when he was doing this and it worked. I guess I was manhandling him

it's mn honey-if you raise your voice to a child,don't speak to them in a soft voice 24/7. don't let them have sex in your house at 15 or not allow them to do something then you are a terrible parent...

My DD was terrible for staying in bed & going to sleep at that age. I used to lie in bed with her so she could twiddle my hair & we would both fall asleep, but when I woke I had to get up & do my schoolwork!
The health visitor advised to put her back in bed every time she got up without speaking or making eye contact. The first night I put her back to bed 43 times within 15 minutes. But by the end of the first week she was staying in her bed. Maybe you & hubby could try that. Good luck, my DD is 13 now & I still remember the pain.

Mumsnet rarely sides with the man/dad

or anybody be it a teacher or other form of authority who attempts to instill discipline to a child that is not all cuddles and kisses and meeting them half way...

It's no wonder the teachers are leaving in their droves in England nowadays.

I think your DH was right to be firm with her. She knew she needed to stay in bed and was refusing to do so.
Perhaps talk about being more gentle but firm as she’s only 2, but you say she wasn’t frightened and pushing or plonking her onto a soft mattress isn’t going to hurt her.

It sounds like OP is a bit nambypamby and lets the kid run all over her.

Parents like that tend to think even the slightest bit of control or even letting kids cry is abuse so Im take the extreme use of words (manhandling, dropping, shaking etc...) with a pinch of salt.

The kid was not injured and recoved from this apparent emotional 'trauma' pretty much instantly with a quick cuddle - hardly sounds as bad as shes making out.

Kids need disapline, being picked up and put back in bed even when they are screaming 'no' or 'kicking' out in a tantrum is fine.

What OP is repetedly doing CLEARLY does not work and what her husband did clearly did as after HOURS of OP trying to get her to sleep she went to sleep straight away after dad had his turn.

Faults lie on both sides here.

Yep. I agree with this.

OP and her husband clearly have wildly different parenting styles. This will only cause problems along the way.

You forgot Step mothers.I think it's a tie between men and Step mothers.

shaking in fear
really? OP states she was more cross than frightened