To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

Exactly ffs

@AnnaFF

When did your babies dad enjoy them?

I wasn’t planning on being entirely reliant on my husband but I have two children with disabilities and due to both of us only ever having minimum wage jobs it wasn’t worth the hassle or losing the income to send them to childcare.

I am trying to get myself sorted to get back into work but I know it’s not going to be easy due to the huge gap in my working life.

Hm. Rely on my husband for money for a few years, or rely on some nineteen year old nursery worker with zero qualifications on minimum wage to raise my kids for me.

I don't understand this attitude. We had nannies & my mum didn't work, she still raised me though.

That's categorically not true. Women earn equal to men or outearn them up to their early 30s. It's only after women drop out of the workforce or choose to go part time that they earn less.

He does admit he didn't see his children as mich as me and his ex wife did. He does have a fab relationship with them all though even now they are older. I work local so have done most of the lifts too.

Basically this. Most women only start to understand and consider the patriarchy once they have a child.

agree

OP, I am reliant on my DH, as you put it, (I work PT, not enough to support myself) but I am not "bullied and controlled". It suits our family for me to stay home while he works FT. I have an escape fund, should I ever need it. In fact, I control our joint bank acct so he would be at my mercy if I decided to leave!

@AnnaFF

Almost as though you can 'enjoy' them and work huh?

Just to ask again a question I asked upthread......

For those families where both work full time (unlike those of us who are repressed and
work PT/don't work)...... do you have support outside the family? Because I would genuinely like to know how you manage children's illnesses etc if not.
I very nearly got a FT time job earlier this year. Was bricking it when I thought I had, as DC3 had an unscheduled 3 nights in hospital; we then had a run of eleven weeks with someone off sick for at least part of the week (chickenpox, sick bugs, hoping they have now rebuilt their immunity). And I thought, how on earth can we manage this. We got through it, but there were some very long hours involved for both of us. And it's not something I would wish to repeat (although suspect we will).

We pay for childcare two afternoons a week but school absence is definitely a limitation. But I sincerely hope I am not being judged for being 'reliant' upon my partner by others whose wider families enable them to work.

i agree than you shouldn’t rely 100% on your DH but think we should encourage women to think of minimum expectations from marriage or in marriage - eg it might make sense at a specific time point that you don’t work as the lower earner, but imagine your DH/DP leaves you for OW or dies, are you financially able to survive - do you have access to joint savings (if any), are you on the deeds, is there a will in place, if you choose to step down from your career path as this is an option or you’re part-time, can you increase your hours at a later date, what is the impact on your career, pension etc plus sharing out housework etc.

I think it’s more about educating women to ensure no financial abuse. I know my ex was very much of the idea that he earned mega bucks and it belonged to him. Never mind that he could not have had that job if I (or my DM) wasn’t there to collect the DC and look after them.

Keep separate houses. That way you keep your financial independence. Whoever earns more pays for the nice stuff. Joint account for the holidays.
Without DH I can pay for the bills but that’s it.
it night be cheaper living together but I couldn’t afford to start again if we ever split.

I have no idea why you are quoting me.

I work - had 3 years off
DH works

We share all our money, DH earns more - lucky me

sjxoxo I don't really understand your point of view. Both men and women can have successful careers and be caring, committed parents. How have we got to this century and think that these roles are divided by sex? I did both. Period.

@LadyIckenham

Why you and not him?

To answer your question when our kids were preschool age we split childcare between us.

It is doable.

What do you think single disabled women do?

To challenge the status quo is easier said than done and in doing so many women suffer. The government and society need to make it easier to do this. For example, we all know about the gender pay gap. Men earn more than women. It often ‘makes sense’ that the woman as the lower earner stays at home because of childcare costs. If childcare costs were lower perhaps women could stay in their careers and it would redress the balance. I think it’s unkind to be talking about women who end up financially dependent on their husbands as naive dupes and also misses many of the nuances of these situations.

Also, sorry but patriarchy absolutely want women pitted against women so let’s try and have a bit of solidarity.

Because it works well for those people OP. Believe it or not some married people love their partners and are happy to support them.

I'm entirely reliant on DH. I can't work, I'm disabled. I would love a job and to be able to contribute to the household but it is what it is, although it gets me down often.

As PP said, it's not always black and white.

I'm quoting myself now, but I think this is a serious point. Why is it always women's fault?

Why can't we reframe the culture around this? If we start asking why men are so dependent on women to run their houses and bring up their kids, it starts looking very different.

Seriously, the conversation needs to be why the hell are men so unable to manage 50% of the parenting and housekeeping?

That's when women will become less dependent on men.

@Topgub I'm not talking about preschool age, mine are all school age. Preschool was way easier because, once I went back to work PT, I had a PT nanny.
I have an after school nanny two days a week now, that doesn't work if they're off sick.

If you reread my post, you'll see I said we managed it both between us with long hours. DH starting work at 5am, including weekends before the children, me working late nights. But that's not sustainable nor good for family life.

Presuming your children are no longer preschool, how do you manage unexpected absence now? Because we have had a lot of late (kids were never ill pre covid) and it would be very difficult in a FT job (something I am have another iv for next week).

Absolutely this.

@LadyIckenham

One of us would take time off.

Surely if you have a nanny you'd leave them with the nanny?

This. Our financials are split just fine, but I couldn't afford to pay a mortgage/rent, childcare costs, bills, food, etc. without my husbands salary.

If I wanted to leave him I'd have to ask my family for financial help

@Topgub

No, because she is an after school nanny, therefore she is only here from 3pm.
Not during the school/working day. She comes after school. She does not live in. And, sadly, I have yet to train my children to be sick only on the days when she is here.

You must have a fantastic holiday allowance. We'd have pretty much run out by now between that and holidays.