To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

Basically this. Most women only start to understand and consider the patriarchy once they have a child.

That is to say I do think you should be entitled to help even if you are married.

Bit of a sweeping statement from you, you know nothing about other peoples situations. I find your post quite offensive.

Basically I mean the same as @mummypigoink but she articulated it a lot better than I could 😄

You generally hear about the bad cases but there are plenty of women who have relatively easy lives - e.g. kids are school aged but they still only work a couple of days a week and maintain a great quality of life due to hubby's hard work.

Hm. Rely on my husband for money for a few years, or rely on some nineteen year old nursery worker with zero qualifications on minimum wage to raise my kids for me.

I know which I'd prefer.

@HumptyDumpty2022 did your husband look after his kids full time? If not do you think he would be in the same financial position he is in now if he had to sort everything out for his kids 50+% of the time?

@picklemewalnuts

Me too!

And how so many women are ok with it.

@TruthHertz I agree sometimes it works for both parties and makes life better for all, not all sahm or sahw are brainless idiots incapable of looking after themselves about to be cast out into the street as some seem to believe.

I think sadly also in many marriages women are not only expected to raise kids, do housework etc virtually without help but also earn the family money while the husband fails to fulfil even the monetary side of things. It seems common among people I know and is an equally depressing reality

@Bouledeneige don't do yourself a disservice, it wasn't luck, you made good choices/decisions

I see no issue in being a SAHM with a working husband; as long as you’re married to protect yourself financially in the event of a split. It does mean losing work experience and continuity on your CV however, and I am a bit 😕 about women who are ‘stay at home mums’ to school age children (unless there is SEN at play, etc). I have continued to work and to be honest I regret it; I regret missing out on time with my child which all the other women in my family have had with their kids because they don’t work. I wish I had cut my hours right down, kept my hand in but spent more time with my child.

on a side note, I think it would be helpful for child maintenance to have a complete overhaul to stop the dads paying such pathetic amounts, and actually punish them when they don’t pay. That would offer some small protection.

Exactly this

And imagine what it will be like for American women, bringing up babies with abusive partners because they have no access to abortions or contraception.

ExDH and I were equal earners until we had DC
We discussed in advance that I would be a SAHM whilst DC were pre school - had 2 DC very close together so that would be under 5 years
I became disabled when pregnant with DC2
couple of years later ExDH started an affair and left me for OW when DC were 3 and 4
it was not a great position to be in
Hard to find work when disabled with young DC and no family support - I did part time, flexible working, home work, side hussles and nearly starved
I will never re marry or share my finances with anyone ever again
taken me years to get to a comfortable income and even that is quite insecure

There are so many reasons and levels of (inter?)dependency . I first became dependent on my husband for visa related reasons - sure, I could leave but that would also mean losing my right to remain in the country, and therefore keep my job.

Having children removed that dependency (I have a right to remain with my children) but introduced new reasons for financial dependence - had we both kept same level of work, we would have needed 12-14 hours per DAY of childcare when taking into consideration commute + longer expected hours of senior private sector roles. Setting aside the financial burden of that level of childcare, I didn’t want my kids to have a fleeting relationship with their parents. There is a mental, emotional and physical toll to maintaining total independence, and honestly it felt selfish in the face of my childrens’ happiness. So I took a step back, first going part time and then freelance.

I am not totally dependent in that I still work (though earn 20% of what I could) and have my own savings if I needed to leave tomorrow, but I would be quickly be quite poor without a financial settlement reallocating ‘his’ assets. I have quite consciously put myself in a place of financial risk through a combination of necessity and lifestyle choice. Only time will tell if it was a wise decision- at the moment everyone is happier with the current balance of financial and family responsibilities. I do think once kids arrive you are compromising one way or another.

I've always worked, but now I'm divorced I struggle financially. He was a controlling bully and I was always having to cover our expenses even when he was earning twice as much as me. I fought to keep our home in the divorce, so had to mortgage to the max to buy him out, and had to give him a share of my pension as he didn't have one. Since moving in with his new partner he is working fewer hours because she works, so the child maintenance has dropped.
I have quite a few friends that have divorced, and only one of them hasn't struggled with finances since getting out of her marriage.

Hurrah, another SAHM bashing thread thinly disguised as concern for that demographic. Exactly what Mumsnet needs. FFS do we have to have this bunfight every five minutes? And I say this as the higher earner than my DH who has full financial independence. It honestly gets so tedious, why on earth do people get so excited and invested about how others choose to live their lives?

I get so fed up with people assuming all SAHM's are being financially abused or are too dependent on their husbands to leave even if they can't stand each other.
Maybe some people just have a happy marriage and enjoy their life exactly the way it is.
I've been a SAHP for a long time, my husband has NEVER questioned a single penny that I've spent. All our accounts are joint, all our assets are joint and we pay into long term savings equally in both names.
My DH enjoys his job and, because he loves me, is happy that I enjoy being a SAHM.
Every man is not a cheating, lying bastard who is just using the mother of his children for free childcare until a younger model comes along.
We have a lovely family life and I'm sorry if that's not your experience but there's no need to project your feelings on to every SAHM that you come across.

AIBU To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands partners?

Unfortunately I fall into this category, but fortunately my DH isn’t abusive. My DDs are at University and both plan to be independent.

I left school at 16, I’m 54 now, worked full time but not well paid jobs. Got married at 30 - which I thought I’d never do- had DC, twins at 33- which I thought I’d never do- but gave up my last job to follow DH to Latin America a year after we got married.

We’ve had a good life but now I find myself regretting giving up that job. I now can’t get a job I want to do with a few CSEs and I’m bored.

Yes, I enjoyed my baby for 3 years. I had a DH that gave me everything I needed. I'm not smug but I'm lucky. Got a decent job now.

My DH has always earned well. I was planning to return to work when the kids started school, but in reality I never found a job I liked that much and I wanted to be home when the kids were. I know I am lucky to be able to do this but in all honesty I have not regretted my choice.

…Yep, Because only women who are financially dependent on their crap husbands chose to stay with them.

Also please don't anyone get their knickers in a twist about my pension contributions for those 3 years I'm OK.

I have a decent job but I'd still be fucked if my husband left me. No idea how people cope on one income with today's cost of living crisis.