To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

It works well until it doesn't.

It's putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position.

The conversation already is that for many of us. The ones who have chosen not to settle down and have kids because we recognise what an absolutely shit deal it is.

@LadyIckenham

I have excellent family friendly policies and dh is self employed.

I'm sure there are agencies that can provide short notice childcare

It is madness, but no one forces them to give up work, its entirely their choice so if it does go tits up they have to face the consequences. I'll never forget how insulted/mad I was when my husband was renewing some insurance and let the person on the phone put my occupation down as housewife, I was actually on mat leave. I went full on mental and questioned at what point did I marry the house and was I defined by having kids 😆. I have 3 degrees and a career, I've never been so insulted! Even the term "housewife" is so outdated. I said to my husband would she have put your occupation down as house husband if you took extended paternal leave -I doubt it. I heard the conversation my husband didn't say I was a housewife, the woman assumed and he didn't correct her, maddening! It's very outdated now I think.

@Topgub we are clearly in very different situations. I would not wish to leave a sick child with an agency worker they have not met. I am self employed, hence managing it. It is why I am not in a full time role.

Hope that answers your questions. Sadly no one has responded to mine regarding family support.

YANBU. I'm the parent that works in our family, my husband doesn't have anywhere near the earning power I have. He'd be absolutely fucked if I left him.

And our kids are not little anymore, he's been unwell this week which has proven beyond any reasonable doubt I don't actually need him here.

Why would you and your partner have a large family if you know you rely on your partner for basic functioning and are unable to work? And if it would leave you so screwed, do you not have life insurance to cover this?

Situations like this frustrate me, because the risk is entirely foreseeable, and if things go wrong, it's the children that end up worst affected.

@LadyIckenham

I just did?

You asked how people do it without family support.

Thats how.

(We do have family support but we could manage easily without it)

And of course people have different situations to you.

Most wp don't have access to nannies

Basically this. Most women only start to understand and consider the patriarchy once they have a child.

I agree..I didn’t really get feminism or the patriarchy untI had dc (mid 30s) and paused my career and effectively destroyed it for 16 years. But... I'm not sure what I would do differently with hindsight tbh. Work ft and get dh to be a SAHP? Nope. Work full time with young dc? Nope.

Absolutely agree with you.I mentioned this on a few threads but got flamed.

(and as a fellow neurodiverse person, the argument from people with later-onset or progressive disabilities, that they didn't know or develop issues until after kids, doesn't really work in our cases)

@Fairislefandango

Why not?

We both work FT without family support. We work shifts that cover 24/7 365 days a year. Often tag team as one works whilst the other is off. Both DD are primary age. In school holiday they go to holiday clubs when we are at work and not on leave. If they are sick we work out which one of us can take the day(s). Our children are rarely ill. However if they were we have dependents leave or discretionary leave from work plus possibilities of shift change or A/L. It's doable if you work it out and if you have a willing DP.

Surely we are in 21st century so this is their choice. Why should we judge? Some people might not want to walk away. I think we really should be just more kind to & about people in general, women or men.

I know a female friend of mine has been supporting her partner for years. She bought their house & she is now the sole earner. Does this make her more or less stupid than these women you are talking about?

Male friend of mine supported her gf then financially for years, she cheated & ended things. She went back for a 2nd choice & ended up breaking his heart the same way all over again. He lost a lot financially but for him he lost the love of his life. She might have been financially dependent on him, he was emotionally dependent on her completely. Should we be cheering for her here or would you feel sorry for him?

I actually don't get why we are still judging people this way in the 21st century.

@Topgub You have just answered my question. You have family support. Good that you haven't had to manage without it.

Most working parents don't have access to nannies. I cannot work without one. It costs us a lot but we do it so we can both work. It is, however, the most cost effective solution for us and best for our children, not least because after school clubs are patchy at our DCs' school. If we didn't have an after school nanny (for a whole two evenings a week....) I would be entirely reliant on DH.

We are entirely self funding with no free support. That is why judgey thread

@ScruptiousBears that's great if you can make it work, but shifts not an option for us.

I’m in this situation currently, through choice though.

I’ve been with husband for 25 years and I worked while our older children were young. We had a much wanted and loved surprise baby in 2020 and I just decided I wanted to be home with her. My husband fully supported that decision and is more than happy being the sole provider. And shock horror, I actually love taking care of the home and the baby.

My younger self would likely hate the person I’ve become but I’ve genuinely never been happier and our entire household just flows better. My husband is happier; his focus is solely on work when he’s at work and solely on family when he’s at home.
Every single dollar he earns goes into our joint bank account and I distribute that money accordingly. I don’t even know if he even goes online to check the online banking so for all he knows, I could be dwindling or stashing all of the money away.

I get to spend all day with our toddler daughter and I get to spend every school day taking and collecting the teenagers from school. I’m not worried about returning to work. If it needs to happen then I’m so sure I’ll be able to find work. I’ve had a very successful legal, then academic career, which I definitely won’t return to either. I’d stack shelves in a supermarket if it came to it.

I know this isn’t for everyone and I appreciate that many women do get themselves into sticky situations, however it isn’t as black and white as you suggest in the OP. There’s many reasons a partner has to be reliant on the other. And some people, it just works best for them.

And bedtime now I think having left a half drafted quote! Night one and all, early start tomorrow to catch up after inset today.

@LadyIckenham

We have managed without it because we don't rely on it.

I can understand why some people want to be self sufficient and there's something admirable about it. However, I also feel like many do a lot of mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they love their job and that sitting in an office all day isn't generally fucking boring compared to having loads more free time and being able to spend each day how they please.

I think many refuse to rely on a man for reason relating to pride (which is understandable) but then harbour a kind of implicit jealousy against those women who have equally comfortable existences but without the stress and boredom of corporate drudgery.

People don't like others who are realists. We get labelled as judgemental and pessimistic, when actually we have just experienced enough of life to know that shit happens.

I have quite a logical outlook on life, because I've let myself believe in fairytales too many times only to be burnt. Saying "relying entirely on my husband finanically works well for us" is great... Until it doesn't.

I'm not saying women shouldn't be able to have that choice, I'm saying they should always have a back up plan so they don't find themselves stuck in a situation where they're sacrificing their own emotional wellbeing for the sake of finances.

I agree...where's the personal responsibility?

I'm also autistic, and probably won't have kids because of it. Partly because I worry I wouldn't cope, partly because I'd hate them to experience the same misery I did growing up autistic and partly because of practical issues like money and security.

I think this stuff needs to be very carefully considered BEFORE having kids.

@TruthHertz

What a terribly narrow view of work.

Saying "relying entirely on my husband finanically works well for us" is great... Until it doesn't.

But on the flipside, said woman has a fair chance of leading a very privileged and enjoyable life of leisure. If you work full time you don't have the risk but you've already forfeited the privileged life in place of absolute certainty that you'll sit at a desk all day.

Its difficult not to be dependent on them partly because of the massive cost of childcare, I don't know how people manage.
I was a single mum and at least in the 80's I had a wonderful childminder for his whole childhood who we both loved and it wasn't too expensive.
I could not have coped with more than one child.
Funnily enough I was thinking this morning if I was thinking that if I was young again and thinking of having children now rather than in the 80's I would want to be able to raise my child without a man in a womens commune and pay the women there to run a nursery to look after the kids while everyone else worked.
I don't like men and can't ever imagine being dependent on one.