To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

Maybe naive, but I became a sahm because it was best for our family. I wanted to be the ones looking after our dc. Maybe we did have a traditional (“1950s”) set-up, but it worked for us. It wasn’t a case of me becoming ‘financially dependent’ on my dh, but we worked as a team - he brought the bread home and I was the caregiver.

Yes, but I'd hoped part time would be an option. Sadly it wasn't.
City law firms are not really the type of places where you can discuss potential childcare options with your employer before TTC. Most are very good at talking the talk but it doesn't always work in practice, especially for junior lawyers.

We could have hired a nanny, once DC turned up, I didn't want to be away from her for twelve hours per day.

That rent makes quite a difference. A 1 bed flat is £950 - £1050 in my town.

Why are you on a group called 'mumsnet'???

Op I am so glad you posted this.
I was made redundant and could not get another job, either too qualified or to old
It is like being in the 1950s Because I cannot claim UC because I am married and his income is our income
There must be hundreds of people in this position men and women
Having to ask for money from their other half it is bloody disgusting
So glad you flagged it up

By choice? My partner and i earn equal salary. I was entitled to 6 months full salary…he was entitled to 2 weeks full salary.

yes it was a choice for me to take maternity, but not exactly a fair choice.

In the meantime, ive lost out on bonus, payrise and progression….because of my choice…?

Why shouldn’t she be? Being a mother doesn’t mean you’re financially reliant on men, far from it.

its mumsnet. Not Unemployedlowearningmumsnet.

I worked 16 years before ds, then went back to work part time when he was 6. He’s 20 now and I still work part time at a non profit that I love, but don’t make nearly enough money to live on my own even without kids. The thing is, I inherited a substantial sum right after we got married that we’ve invested well and have paid for ds’ university, leaving us to accumulate a nice amount. Should anything happen, my half of our assets - as we’re married and would be split in half - would allow me to keep work on reduced hours. We have no debt except the mortgage which is small. I’d be able to move where I grew up and get a small house, condo or tiny house and pay cash. Financially I would be much worse off but I’d make it. I’m not worried.

I meant were they sahms that are better off now as single parents claiming tax credits/the like? They would be better off yes but only until their kids are in full time education. Then they won't be better off because they'll be out working, earning the wages that everyone is struggling on..

I wouldn’t take what you see on MN as a reliable example of the situation most ppl face in the real world. It’s an anonymous notice board, anybody can say anything.

Thank you 👋

Wow, you sound as common as. I'm talking as a working Mum apart from 3 years. My child has now left school. However, do not judge other women. You have no idea about their situation.

I bet if you did a poll, triple the amount of men rely entirely on women.
Who knows where the sock drawer or washing basket are 😂

Yanbu

Dh earns more than me (for now at least)

Our finances are set up so that exactly the same amount is in both our names, saving wise. I also keep a separate savings account as a buffer in case anything happened to DH.

I've also insisted he support me to get back to my career, so right now if he upped and left, while the kids and I would be a little worse off, I can keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, and I'm regaining ground career wise all the time.

My mum was a sahm from 21 to when my dad left her for another woman at 40. The divorce settlement was very fair but in the last 20 years since the divorce I've seen my mum struggle working her way up from minimum wage and my dads wage go up to 700/day. He's now retired at 57 going on cruises and living the high life and she's going to be working to at least 67 to pay off her mortgage and get herself a decent pension.

I earn more than my husband and we will share parental leave and then we will both be dropping hours afterwards to cover childcare. I've always said I'll do everything in my power not to become dependent on anyone (I totally understand it sometimes can't be helped though and it's rough when that happens)

I have 2 friends going through divorces at present.

1 has always worked, progressed in her career and now has a full time job and has bought herself and her kids a house and is doing okay.

1 has been a sahm for about 16 years. Soon to be exh is being a twat and she's left in a shit position. More so once her youngest is older and she won't get much state help. Unless she retrains (financially almost impossible) she'll be left to get whatever job she can.

This. Accurate and well said.

I'm shocked how many men are entirely dependent on women to raise their kids. Weird, huh.

I am currently dependent on my husband due to long term chronic illness which is managable if I can manage my enviroment, stress etc but it still means I'm not well a lot of the time. I've been with my husband 26 years since he was 20 and I was 18, we are really happy together. He is a high earner and everything is willed to me as we have no children. He puts quite a bit of money into an account thats in my name only as well so I would have quick access to cash in an emergency situation.

I have an undergraduate degree and 2 masters degrees I've lived abroad both with and without my husband as we did long distance on a couple of occasions when we were younger. I also lived in london on my own for 2 years while doing one of my masters degrees.

The set up suits us fine and I do take care of the home mostly but he also pitches in if he's about. I have plenty of time to work on my own projects which do relate to my education and do make some money, could easily be more if I needed to make more but I don't. If the work happened I would be fine coping on my own with things, only my health would make it difficult.

You don''t always know everyones circumstances (domestic or financial)and I am sure others do judge me but I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I know our set up is just fine.

Among my friends this is what happens. Lots of stay at home parents, mostly mums but not all. All have their own pension, equal access to the money, savings in their own name or joint names, houses jointly owned etc.

I do not recognise the MN "woman at home being paid pocket money by her financially abusive husband who has all the assets in his sole name". I'm not saying it doesn't happen but the SAHP model is one which is working well for loads of families.

I rely on my dh entirely at present. I’ve worked all my life until birth of my third child four years ago. I gave up work, we relocated to another country and o will look for work when he starts school. Feel totally fine and secure in my decision.

The patriarchy remains fully in force with discussions like this, particularly when children are involved, that have the starting point that women should be more like men (which is the form that financial independence currently takes).

WRONG.

The expectation should be that when children come along, both parents will parent and make compromises to put their children first. There’s reasonable arguments on all sides of this debate and I can see the merits to all of them, assuming people behave properly when things start to go wrong. But society needs to be underpinned by the assumption that parenting/ caring/ housework is a 50/50 job and if you’re not working to that 50/50, provisions are made for both parties to ensure their long term security (as best you can in the current shitshow that is our economy).

I fully get it’s not as simple as I’m making it out to be. But we can all start by teaching our daughters to expect a partner who contributes to the ‘soft stuff’ and teaching our sons that they should be actively contributing to the ‘soft stuff’. And voting for politicians that put better controls in place to ensure parents support their children financially if nothing else.

While I’m idealistically re-writing society, can we also bin the nonsense that it’s somehow easier when kids start school: it’s so much harder than nursery!

Well I think I'm more generous than that.

But having children isn't an excuse. Men have careers after having children and so can women. After having my two I worked 4 days a week for a few years. But then when I hit a bigger a job I went full time. I always earned more than my husband. And when we split I was able to support myself, childcare and my children ( with his contributions).

I'm proud now that my DC admire my professional success and independence. Everything I have I earned myself.

But not everyone is as lucky as I was. Jobs, career, pay.

@stepuporshutup While I do get your point about not being able to claim any benefits if you lose your job because you are married, if you are married his money is your money and you ought to be able to arrange your money to suit you both, a joint account you both have access to?

I think there’s a lot of overly simplistic replies on this thread. Makes me wonder if women are having the baby and running the show financially, what’s the point of the men??? Might aswell bin them off. I disagree with this narrative of men being probably useless so let’s take it all on ourselves. To me that’s not equality. I’d rather we encouraged them to take responsibility for their families.