To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

I never had more than one child thank God because if I'd had any more I would not have been able to manage when my useless husband disappeared.
If I had two or three I would have been on UC for years.

I do think times have changed a lot though. I live in SW London & the majority of mothers at my school work. Both parents attend sports days, plays, etc. Both parents do drop offs & pick ups. The vast majority of us have flexibility etc. My DH gets 3 months full pay paternity leave & wfh half the wk even before covid.

On days I don't work my dc still do tennis & sewing etc. I also have quite a lot of holiday (8 wks) & my dc still go to holiday camps etc. It doesn't mean i'm not parenting my child.

@Foxgluv

At all.

You said you cant do both. Only a bit of both.

If its also OK for ever family o do what's best, why does that matter?

Exactly!
@Triptop depending on where you live it can be impossible for BOTH parties in a relationship to buy a house of the same size, that can fit all the children. They sell the house, earning partner can get a mortgage and move on, SAHM can't.
It's also not very fair to give the entire house to one party either, because then where are the kids going to stay when they visit dad? Etc.

Instead of pushing for SAHP , which only serves to reinforce gender stereotypes, we should be pushing for flexible working. Obviously depends on specific industries but in mine a lot of people (even dads) go for things like 4 day weeks, disappear at drop-off/pickup and then continue to work after kids are in bed. Things like 'school drop-off' are proudly put in calendars.

And the best part is it works! We have stronger, more cohesive teams with better communication (being PT forces us to plan around absences and emphasize good handovers), keep a lot of talented employees who could get more £££ elsewhere ( both male and female), but who stay because this works for them.

Of course individual choices are only the concern of the individual. But from a policy perspective I strongly disagree with choices that support a SAHP family because it just papers the cracks. It also makes single parents worse off. Because all of these MENZ with SAHP, able to give their 100% at work, zero worries about kids... hardly going to create an office culture where people who don't have a SAHP, or have other responsibilities are going to be first in line for promotion, is it? In the long-run it damages all the progress we have made w.r.t diversity.

Yanbu.
I've always been independent throughout our relationship, always earned, paid my way, contributed to my pension and savings. I can't understand why women want to give it all up unless it's truly impossible to work. I know four couples with disabled dc and one who was extremely ill who's mum's all work. I also know husband's that earn huge salaries whose wives still work.
I think many women decide they don't want to work and find an excuse to fit- Dh earns too much, works away, dc issues, blah blah etc instead of saying they don't want to work.

I never understood the sahm, where there are no additional needs and the children are at nursery or school anyway. It's rather old fashioned and backward.

Agree. I know a couple of women who never went back to work after their first child was born. Children all grown up now.

Do you need to understand "The SAHM"

Are 'they' asking you to?

I think you may have misunderstood.
You can't parent your children around the clock while spending the extra hours advancing in your career. The world doesn't work that way. Something would need to be sacrificed, time at work or time with your children.

Of course it's okay for a family to do what's best for them. That's the point I've been making all along. Judging people for it is unnecessary.

Oof the internalised misogyny and entitlement is abundant on this thread. Everytime I think we have made progress some of this silly naive rubbish raises its head.

OP you are coming across as either incredibly naive or incredibly entitled. Women are endemicaly pushed to earn less by a society that makes it as difficult as possible to stay independent but so we should blame the women yes ? Not the system designed by men? No?

Have you heard the phrase pick me ? Because wow that's what you are doing.

I am the poster child for what you think "should " be done. I have always earned more than Exdh and Dp. I am higher qualified by far than both of them qith both degrees and post graduate qualifications. I run my own business (an actual business thats taken me a long time to build...not MLM rubbish) for the back if a successful 20 year career. I have 2 DC for whom I am also the main caregiver. I could leave my marriage when it became toxic because I had my own money. Yay for me right? Do I pass your fake feminism test?

However because I am not entitled and ignorant, I also understand I got lucky. That's it. I am not disabled (although after a stroke 5 years ago you learn to grow up a bit and all your belief that it can never happen to you vanishes in the ether).

I was brought up with privilege a huge amount of women didn't get. I can work around school hours but that's because I was given the education and access to certain roles that many people did not get.

I was never abused and crushed to believe I was stuck. I was given a helping hand in the world. I am also quite and middle class so am fully aware I have access to perspectives and opportunities denied to many. I am not arrogant enough to vieve this was all due to me.

When you get a bit older, have actually experienced the real pressures of keeping that income through all of the barriers thrown at you you realise that your wittering is incredibly privileged.

None of this is even close to easy. The groups that "choose " to stay dependent are miniscule , the vast majority of people in these situations have been been put in no win situations.

Honestly the level of arrogance and internalised misogyny is breathtaking on this thread. If you want the men to pick you then by all means do your dance in front of them but leave the rest of the women out of it. You do not get to claim faux concern for women you are stepping on to get higher so the men can see you.

@Foxgluv

Why is it a sacrifice rather than a balance?

I don't think many women would say that they plan to be entirely financially dependent upon their husband though so your argument is loaded.

What you are doing is taking a situation (where a person woman is unable to leave a marriage because they cannot afford to) and assuming that the woman is in that position because she hasn't worked enough when compared to her husband.

This is an immature argument.

Found it!

The below posts are from a previous thread called 'you're lucky if you don't work' and were collated by another poster in a discussion pretty much identical to this one. They defo show why some women are prepared to take the risk and why so many who work are jealous. The height of female privilege!

My sil is 44, rich and has NEVER had a job, lucky her! She has no trouble filling her day and has a great life.

Dp earns the money then gives it to me. Why would I feel oppressed?

I haven't worked in 8 years and bloody love it! I got to go shopping without ds today and have a long lunch with a friend. Going to the gym now.

My friend is married to the son of a billionaire and sometimes I have to block her on social media because her life is one long holiday.

I dont work, I was able to be a sahm with my sons, both in 30s now. I lunch, dressmake, walk my dogs for miles, spend time with friends and family etc....
I also volunteer for a small homeless charity, something I am so passionate about, being literally close to home.
I feel totally fulfilled!

My DSis married a very high earner and has never worked a day in her life.

My DH works 80 hours a week for a signficant amount of money, which allows me to be a SAHM and indulge myself, allow me to do all of my volunteering and my hobbies.

I work just a few hours a week in a job I love doing, I don’t have to work for financial reasons. I’ve accidentally ended up with a really high earning DH. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, I have hobbies, an amazing spa membership and an extremely fortunate to have some really good friends whom I’m able to see nearly every week.

My SIL is lucky enough to not have to work due to DB’s income. She has nice things, goes out for lots of lunches.

I'm a SAHM who has teenage children and is fortunate to be married to a high earner so I haven't needed to work since having kids. We do have a lifestyle that most people would find impressive.

I choose not to work. DH works really long shifts and odd hours so can be out of the house either days or nights, with each week being different. When the kids are grown I'll go and get some post-sahm work. Maybe in a shop, factory, cafe or something similar.

The funniest post was Monday morning when she started by posting “it’s going to be a long week, hoping the nanny isn’t late” followed by “anyone know a place I can get nails done, not happy with the place I’ve been going as I think they overcharge and wanting a day to pamper myself a bit.”

I feel lucky that I don't need to work. I am not getting any benefits because dh earns enough.

I'm lucky in that I didn't have to carry on working.

I am lucky enough not to work and stay at home with my son, as DH is a high earner. I feel extremely grateful for this every day, and try very hard not to take it for granted.

Why the nit picking?
To be at home looking after your children you need to physically and mentally be there. To be at work advancing in your career you need to physically and mentally be there. One will take time away from the other. Balancing is optimistic. There isn't enough time in the day to have it even, balance. Employers know this. They want men and women who can devote the majority of their time to their job. One's who don't have to leave when they get a call from the school or take months to a year off on maternity leave, require sick days to look after their children and attend appointments.
It's naive to think otherwise.

@Nietzschethehiker

I dont want men to pick me.

That's the point. I dont need a man.

I want men to parent their kids and stop relying on women to run their lives.

I want women to stop letting them.

Reading the above quotes it's hard not to feel sorry for these poor women indulging their hobbies while their husbands wallow in the privilege of working 80 hour weeks. 😂

Imagine if the man was playing golf all day while the woman worked 80 hour weeks. I think we might see a sudden change of opinion! 😂

I'm financially dependent on my partner and I work in a job with an average salary. I couldn't survive on my salary on my own and he would struggle on his. We collectively earn a fairly good income. It is the cost of living and housing issues that cause this problem and its not just stay at home mums who have this issue.

I think this is a non argument for younger parents as you need two incomes to run a home and bring up kids, or financial help from family instead. If you are in your 60's with a low mortgage there might have been an option to get a job and leave years ago though. My mum managed it, but she worked a lot. It wasn't that easy in the 90's but it was do-able.

I have always had a 'running away fund' so that I could leave a bad relationship , if I needed to. I have brought my children up to do the same.
This paid off when DD1 was hit by her partner, she could throw him out knowing she had enough behind her to get her on her feet.

Do the SAHM know or care that they're choice means that another working mum may not get a promoted over a dad who has a woman at home prepared to do all the childcare? I've been in meetings where I've heard male managers talk about 'women who have a lot going on' and we all know what that means.

I have an education and I've had good jobs but for me personally, I wanted to be at home with my children until they were 3 and be around for them (I never saw my parents when I was younger and it had a negative effect on me).
However, I live in a country that recognises what sahp do. So the govt pays into my pension fund for me while I stay home and if I were to divorce, I would get alimony from my husband which would take into account the years I spent at home looking after our children. So yeah, a factor is also how shit the UK is at providing for its society.

No it’s totally normal and natural. You say your not skating SAHM but you a hunge are.

Who is anyone here to say our staying at home and not “working” for the sake of it is wrong? That way worked for a long time and still works if you want it to. Doesn’t seem like our society is so hot. Frankly working and rushing home to cram in a little bit of being Mum sounds like a drag and a sad way to live to me.