To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

The fact that women reported much higher levels of life satisfaction a few decades ago supports this.

Are you unaware that women earn less, that childcare costs more than the average wage in many places and that there is extremely limited (and ever shrinking - thanks Tories) support for families with children with disabilities?

You sound deeply naïve.

When I met my husband I was working in a healthcare capacity (not a nurse though). I have a degree and was doing a masters. It's was what many people would consider 'worthy' work but the reality was, it was only ever going to afford a certain income and I found myself frustrated by bureaucracy and feeling burnt out most of the time.

With my husband in my late 20s, it all happened very quickly in the sense he has proposed within 4 months. I can't really remember how much he earned at the time, but because he was in derivatives trading, his bonuses could be maybe ten / twenty times my salary. Something like that, and it only escalated as the years went on. I was never going to be able to remotely compete with that, working or not. Shortly after I finished my masters, he needed to go to HK so I went with him. I was burnt out at work anyway. Shortly after we got married we also lived in Sydney and NYC. We came back to London when was pregnant the first time. Then I had another one 2.5 years later and another 2 years later, so by the time they were all in school about nine years had passed. It never occurred to either of us that I would go to work in this time and get a nanny in instead because I don't need to, didn't want to, so what would be the point in that? Also, where we live, many women are in a similar position so I never felt unusual at all.

Then, when they were all in school, there still didn't seem any need to find a job that fitted in school hours. If I'd needed to financially, I would have done, but I didn't so I wasn't going to do it just for the sake of it.

I never felt 'financially dependent' because at this point, we had built up assets as a family which were equally in my name. My husband never made me feel financially dependent in any shape or form. That would be ridiculous and he just doesn't think like that at all. We have bought properties which I have supervised the renovations of. Lots of investments we have done together, much of which is in the children's names or mine. It was never like 'living off his salary.' I couldn't even tell you what his salary is because it was never like that. If being a SAHM had meant living month to month on a fixed / limited amount with nothing else to underpin that, I couldn't have done it.

My kids are teens now and I'm still glad I can be here after school and generally available. Teenage years are no easier actually. I guess I could get a job, but the truth is I'm not going to because there isn't a massive push to do so. Plus, my husband works a lot less now and the whole point is that we want to make our lives less busy, not add another commitment to it. I'm involved in a lot of things aside from the kids and my husband also has considerable time to do all his sports and hobbies.

So this is how it has evolved. In another type of marriage I would no doubt have been working all these years. That would have been fine too, just different. You know what you know. But nobody sets out to make their lives more complicated than they need to be. I've been very happy with how things have played out in my case, but fully accept being a SAHM would not be for everyone.

@Foxgluv

Its not nitpicking

Are you ok with your oh having no balance and giving everything to his career?

Have you ever worked as a parent?

@TruthHertz

No it isn't.

A recent study of sahms showed most respondents were unhappy and had higher levels of depression

You seem to have the bizarre assumption that all women who are SAHM have decided that's what they want to do before they've even met a partner and that young women are only able to take influence from what their Mothers do all day.

My Daughter has a fantastic work ethic, and at the moment knows exactly what she wants to do. She's worked part time since she left school and did voluntary work before then because she enjoys it.
Her best friend from school has just moved in with her boyfriend and is talking about starting a family, this has horrified my DD. She's refused to live with her boyfriend next year while she does her masters because he hasn't got a grip on housework yet.
My daughter can and will do whatever she wants to and to be blunt none of my children will have to worry about money whatever they decide to do, they all have healthy trust funds, so she will never need to rely on anyone.

@DomPerignon12 I agree that the ideal is that we should all work less (if we wish!) and spend more time in leisure/family time.

My DH's company are quite forward thinking and offer equal parental leave to both men and women so we were lucky that he was able to take 2 long periods off to care for our DC, and I could work.

I think this really helped him have an appreciation of what I do at home. He was one of the first in his company to do it with our first DC and it was frowned upon, but by the time of our 2nd DC ALL the men took their leave. DH has been promoted since and it hasn't affected his career. I think it's wonderful for equality.

Flexibility is great for everyone. I have worked FT/PT/not at all at various points during my DC's lives, so I don't really feel this polarity between WOHM/SAHM. I think the main thing is that it's good for families to have the choice to put together a schedule that suits their family whether that's one /both parents working FT/PT. And not to feel forced to both work all the hours if that is not the life they want.

The fundamental thing for me is that it's a partnership and we rise and fall together, for better for worse. I'm not going to plan my life around the presumption that my marriage will break down. Even if it did, I would still think I did the right thing for my family in focusing on my kids to allow DH to focus on earning.

Because any man is capable of cheating, being abusive and screwing over the mother of their children.

If you don't believe this, you are INCREDIBLY naive.

Frankly working and rushing home to cram in a little bit of being Mum sounds like a drag and a sad way to live to me.

A little bit of being a mum?

I work from home, so no rushing. But even so, my children are at school, presumably majority of people (unless they home Ed) also have children not with them full time, as they're in school or nursery, does that make them a bit of a mum, too? It's a silly argument.

And there's the lack of balance and backward, old fashioned attitudes. The husband in the SAHM scenario is cramming in a little bit of being a dad?

It's truly incredible how many women fail to grasp this.

It's not an equal contribution at all. The woman is depending on the man's money. The man is not depending on the women's contributions. That puts the woman in a precarious position. It just does.

The man can fuck off and leave the woman and kids, as you said. He can outsource the domestic stuff to a cleaner. Take his clothes for a service wash. Order in takeaways. He can use his money to buy all the services she used to provide. As much as stay at home wives seem to love convincing themselves that their 'work' is indispensable, it isn't. He can quite easily find someone else to do it, either another partner or a paid employee.

@EllieRosesMammy

I’m absolutely delighted my daughter is a SAHM, I feel it enriches all our lives. I would have been proud whatever she did.

Why do you think SAHM wouldn’t be happy for their daughters to follow in their footsteps if you call it that? Do you think we all secretly hate our lives and ourselves? No - I’m proud to have raised my daughters as a SAHM even though it wasn’t always easy and think I’ve done something worthwhile so why would I be upset if they wanted to do the same?

It seems to be you who see us as naive losers, don’t assume we secretly feel the same. We don’t and your viewpoint is actually quite offensive even if your unaware of it.

@pixie5121

Its absolutely possible to know a man won’t abuse you or leave. No any man isn’t capable of it. Thinking that way is just setting yourself up to find the worst men.

"And there's the lack of balance and backward, old fashioned attitudes. The husband in the SAHM scenario is cramming in a little bit of being a dad?"

Well that's what a poster above is arguing - that men with SAH wives are opting out of parenting. Yet apparently also, a woman who works full time is still doing everything a SAHM does. So which is it??

Answer - it's just parents in different financial scenarios doing what works for them and beyond that it is nobody's business.

@Topgub He's a director. Isn't required to be in the premises. I don't like using the term 'hands on dad' it shouldn't be unusual for them to parent, but he is that. We're all together more than most families. Yes I expect him to put in the hours at work and I try to keep distractions to a minimum. It works better for me too.

I haven't needed to work as a parent. I chose to stay at home. Do you have an issue with that? Is it only okay for women to work? If I had gone back to work and put my kids into nursery would that be better for you?
Yes, I have my own money tucked away in case you want to throw in another assumption.

@pixie5121 You can't buy love.

A man who is working all hours, has plenty of money but only sees his kids rarely.

A woman, with a reduced income, who has her children with her most of the time.

I think there is room to debate who has got the better "deal".

Ultimately they are all worse off than they were.

You should be more shocked on this day and age that women still aren't paid as much as men

@TruthHertz

In response to you saying that we are happy that way it isn’t a surprise, only people living in denial think that what has been natural for thousands of years must actually be “wrong”.

We make the world go round. Society will be just fine without career women because it was in the past - we should have the choice to go for career if we want but all to often people want to push that choice and denigrate SAHM or major it harder to be one - but society won’t be fine without anyone raising kids and sticking them all in the daycare for every working day. It will be broken horribly broken and I wouldn’t expect the generation raised that way to aspire to continue it.

Two things can be true at once. Of course this is shocking! As is the state of CMS but that doesn't mean women shouldn't be extremely cautions in their decision making. "My husband loves me" won't pay the bills when you're struggling through a divorce with 2 primary-school aged kids.

Of course it's good to be financially independent but you come across as incredibly judgmental. There is a myriad of reasons why some women end up financially dependent on their partners - is that really so hard to understand?

Are you able to run your household on your single income? If not then your partner 'subsidising' you to a certain extend and you are not as independent as you think.

@pixie5121

The work of a SAHM is indispensable - to her children - that is the whole point. Her children won’t see her husband paying a nanny to take her place as just as good as the real thing. Her children won’t see some other woman as just as good.

But if you really want to go there, no one is indespensible from a purely non emotional practical point of view. I’m sure in my younger years if I had of really wanted I could have dumped my husband and found another man to support men if I’d wanted - just as he could have found a different wife. But we never would have and because I knew that I felt totally confident being a SAHM.

I feel sorry for women who are so mistrusting of their ability to choose men they let it stop them from living their best lives and following what they really want to do and don’t become SAHM.
My advice is to follow your dreams and not live a half live of drag and drudgery at work if that’s what you want.

I feel sorry for women who are so mistrusting of their ability to choose men they let it stop them from living their best lives and following what they really want to do and don’t become SAHM.
My advice is to follow your dreams and not live a half live of drag and drudgery at work if that’s what you want.

Living their best lives, follow your dreams. So sorry but 🤣

I think you've rather missed the point of the thread, too.

Haven't read the full thread. Am regretting I did this now. I was with a man who was a 'good' man in a stable relationship with shared values and goals.

He has just dropped the bombshell he is in love with someone else and leaving me.

Our mortgage would have been paid within the year and we were looking at financial freedom. Now he has his big wage and although I've always trained or worked, my CV is a mess and I am starting again with career.

I will be ok. It has been a very long marriage and he is still a 'good' man and I trust he won't screw me over completely. We are trying to work out how to do this fairly. However, over the last few years I had recognised I wish we'd have gone for a more equal split with childcare and employment rather than the way we did things and unfortunately, my concerns have been proved right.

Sorry to read your situation, that sounds deeply distressing. What a terrible waste. Perhaps he will wake up and smell the coffee? They often do.

dontknowhow2feela - so sorry to read your situation. Take care xx

@Foxgluv

I only asked because sahm seem to have an odd view on working parents (mums)

Mostly because they base it on their own ohs lack of involved parenting.

your oh may be incapable or unwilling of doing both well but I'm not.

I have a great balance