To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

"I'll just check with my partner" might just mean they aren't sure they want it. It is the buying equivalent of "I'll check the calendar".

Exactly! Children benefit highly from being able to interact with other children their age. I work, mine go to nursery and we still have plenty of hours in the week to do things as a family eg. Trips to the park, farm, strawberry picking the other day etc. Even if I cut my working hours to 1 day a week I'd rather that than give up my career entirely and be completely out of the working loop then find it impossible to return if something happened to my partner

I never wanted to be dependent on a man, because I saw my Mum struggle when my Dad left her. I am now in an unhappy relationship with a man who depends on me however. But leaving him feels impossible to me, despite the fact I am able to financially. We have a daughter with additional needs together, he earns minimum wage so would really struggle to set up a decent home if we separated. I couldn’t do that to him or to her right now. Nothing in life is straightforward or black and white.

Your choice is your choice OP and that's fine.

I would never start a thread questioning or criticising using your choice. What's it got to do with me?

My choice was different to yours. I didn't want to put my kids in childcare. I felt I was better for the 'job' than some women being paid to do it. It was as simple as that. As for a nanny, I'll be dammed if I'm going to pay another woman to do what I felt strongly I wanted to be doing myself.

If I'd needed to work because of family finances, then I would have had to use some form childcare. But that would have been necessity, rather than choice - FOR ME.

I accept all women and all marriages are different though. Why can't you just do the same? It's not that hard.

I work 3 days a week. As DS is an only, with no cousins, nursery is where he gets to interact with other children. All of my mum friends also work, bar one, and her child now goes to nursery opposite days to my son so nobody is really available to meet up on my days off as it is.
The groups round here are worship-based or for babies so I'm glad he has that interaction. It was invaluable during the pandemic.

I would never be financially dependent on another person. But, I had a mother with a very successful career who pushed hard for me to have the same. And I also had a loving and committed father, who just…..walked away and vanished, set up a new family and was never seen again. So, it was very easy for me to see the negatives of financial reliance. If I hadn’t had those experiences would I be so cautious? Probably not….

It's the bullshit fairytale narrative and obsession with relationships girls in particular are bombarded with."this is what you're supposed to do..."

Bit hard to accept when these same women come crying on mumsnet because they thought that they'd never be in the situation where their husband cheats and they're left with nothing - no money, no qualifications or career & a huge gap in their CV rendering them potentially unemployable.

I'm not saying it's the right choice for everyone, I'm asking why anyone would put themselves in a vulnerable situation like that?

The other issue is the childcare costs. If I did go back to work now, childcare costs would be slightly more than I would be earning! So I still wouldn’t be financially independent if anything were to happen. Just keeping your job isn’t always the answer.

That sounds like the right set up for you DashboardConfessional.

In my circumstances when my kids were little, hardly any mums were working so we used to socialise the kids together. Every day we would see friends. Is it never occurred to anyone to put the babies in nursery to socialise them. There were all kinds of playgroups and music / messy play things we used to do everyday and then the kids would just hang out at someone's house or outdoors somewhere afterwards. It was a very sociable time! In the term they turned 3, there was a nursery they could go to two or three mornings a week 9am-12.15 and most kids went there, just to get used to being away from mum before reception. But they all went together and if they didn't want to go every day, I didn't push it. They all went to school absolutely fine regardless.

@EllieRosesMammy i think the point you’re missing is it’s not always a choice. If I’d had a well paid job (and I worked really hard at my work and climbed quickly but I wasn’t in a well paid sector), didn’t have mental health issues and could easily cover the cost if childcare I would absolutely choose to work and be financially independent. As it is, even when my mental health is better and I do go back to work, my wages barely cover the childcare costs so if anything were to happen with me and DH I still wouldn’t be financially independent as I wouldn’t be able to cover the cost of living somewhere else, childcare etc.

But there's 2 of you, so why would it be your wages covering the childcare costs and not both you and your partner paying 50% of the childcare costs each?

An alternative question would be 'why do so many women have children/marry men who would cheat/be abusive/financially screw over' the mother of their children?

I'm dependent on my dh, absolutely no doubts about him cheating, we have protection for each other should we die or become ill. Our relationship is very good. My dcs are happy and I am living my best life.

Because I thought we were talking about
being completely financially independent.

I wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage on my salary for example and we haven’t paid anywhere near enough on our house to get much each if we sold, so what I’m saying is despite working when I go back to work, I would still be in a precarious situation.

ive seen a lot of ‘affair’ threads on here where the wife absolutely never saw it coming, said her husband was the last person on earth anyone thought would cheat.

"Bit hard to accept when these same women come crying on mumsnet because they thought that they'd never be in the situation where their husband cheats and they're left with nothing - no money, no qualifications or career & a huge gap in their CV rendering them potentially unemployable."

Is there a particular thread you have in mind here? Or are you just stereotyping to fit your agenda?

The vast majority of women who come 'crying to MN' as you put it actually have jobs. And they are still stuffed.

It's the overall financial picture that determines how you fare after a divorce. It's not as simple as whether you have 'a job.' If your husband earns 10 or 20 times your salary, you are hardly going to maintain your teo-income lifestyle whether you have your job or not.

it's not as simple as that. It's about how a family structures their finances and invest in assets in both their names. How much property they own, for instance. Other investments that are joint.

Very few long term SAHMs think in terms of 'his salary' and that's it. That would be too precarious. They look at the overall picture -including if they were to split up - and decide if they would still be financially ok. Otherwise, they wouldn't be a SAHM would they? They are not stupid.

I would fall under your umbrella of being dependent but I also have around 25k of my own savings and could walk away and return to full time working if I so decided. DP would obviously have to step up with the children though and become their main carer which is the reason he’d never fuck it up. He’d cope for a week max lol

@Reesewithafork thats how i feel. A lot of peoples view of financial independence seems to involve their partner paying for half the costs of the children and doing half the care. Which is great and how it should be, but i see that as mutually dependent on each other - not independent.

@EllieRosesMammy In that situation, why not criticise the person who broke their marriage vows and neglected their duty to their family?

Not the person who trusted her husband and did what she thought was best for her family.

I think it's really common. I work part time and couldn't even afford a really grim vile the cheapest I could find 2 bedroom flat, miles away from ds2's school, so couldn't leave (lovely) Dh even if I wanted to (which I don't, but just trying to prove a point).

I was financially dependent on a man for years - I don't recommend it. It was more like financial abuse, really, so not everyone's experience is the same. But I was infantalised by the situation, and my self worth was very little. I left him, got some training, and am now on a career trajectory that will see me earning more than him very soon. I feel quite lucky, because it could have ended up very differently for me. I wouldn't put myself in that precarious position ever again.

I genuinely get anxious for women who for whatever reason are dependent on their husbands. It's just a position I could never put myself in.

It is in the case of

1. child has some sort of special needs or is long term ill. Good luck trying to find someone to employ you, or even time to work if you don’t know one day to next if you’ll even have an hour to do anything other than childcare


2. your combined household income will become lower than the highest earners income once you pay for childcare. I’m a big believer that if it’s a break even calculation you should continue to work due to pension, continuity etc. But if you’ll be worse off it is just not tenable.

Biggest mistake of my life was giving up my financial independence and relying on a man (once we had children). When the relationship was going badly I felt utterly trapped and when it broke up I had nothing financially I could call my own. I went back to work and have survived (just about) but never ever would I put my finances in the hands of another person again.

Well done to you!!