To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

I find your criticism and solution, OP, to be very individualistic. You've managed to sort out your life, so far, along the lines you advocate, so what the fuck is wrong with everyone else?

Personally I think being woman with children is a vulnerable position to be in when we live in a dog-eat-dog world. When society decides to step up and provide benefits to even up some inequalities there is a better chance of women being free to leave their abusive husbands.

I honestly do not understand why nurseries are not fully funded by the state, for example.

The purpose of marriage, sociologically, is to create a unified financial entity so that the needs of the household, including making money, and raising children, can be accomplished.

And however you slice it, if you have kids they need to be cared for, and someone has to do it. Even if they are in school often one parent at least has to choose a career or job that allows more flexibility. And lots of people find they prefer life with one parent not working - it just makes life better for everyone.

What's shocking is that we don't make sure women who step back to do that are protected.

It's not slating people to ask why women continue to allow men to control them financially in 2022?

Wow, that's not the question you first asked OP. I don't "let" my "D"H financially control me. Most people who are financially abused - which that is - aren't hoping it happens to them and their partner doesn't come with a warning that he has abusive tendencies stamped on his forehead.

Why does it have to be the woman staying at home? Why can't both parents work 20-30 hours a week, rather than one parent working 40-50 and having all control financially? What happens if your husband dies? It's not always about cheating, people don't live forever unfortunately. Then what?
Some of us would LOVE to be able to work but that involves our partner agreeing to childcare costs and they don't - and they control the purse strings. Some of us also have partners whose work makes them travel frequently and randomly (not every week the same couple of days for example). Some of us have partners who have manipulated us into staying at home.

I was previously more independent than any of my friends. I supported myself from age 18 and lived internationally myself, not through a job that paid for me to be transferred abroad. I paid independently for everything including health insurance. I had no family support emotionally or materially. I did it all myself. And yet I'm that person above. I fit all those categories. And do you know how hard it can be to get out? I have to retrain so I can get a job as my skills are worthless now, only slightly above my self esteem that has been eroded to the level of a drain.

If you have circumstances that have allowed you not to be in a vulnerable position and abused in it bravo. If you were brought up in a way that enabled you to see the red flags of abusers like night time coastal bonfires, bravo. Neither of those things were your choice though, they're because of your background, which you did not choose. Just like I didn't choose an abusive childhood which left me unable to see emotional and financial abuse.

My daughter will be like you. My son will hopefully be like your husband. Because I'm bringing them up differently to how I was, despite the abuse I currently suffer and instilling at least the idea of different values. But if it works out and they don't end up dependent and/or undervaluing the work of their partner, it won't be all their doing. It won't be magic either. It'll be in large part due to the silent work I've been putting in over years.

So bravo to everybody who said "I won't rely on a man" and it ended up being their reality. Pat yourselves on the back for how clever you all are. I was actually doing it and yet it didn't work out that way for me. I guess people like me just didn't try hard enough, or want it enough, or something...

I have an acquaintance (wife of a ‘friend’ of my husband) who’s completely reliant on her husband, with 3 young children. She’s never really worked apart from a bit of work for his business. She recently found out that’s he’s cheating (pictures and messages on his phone). But he’s managed to convince her that he wasn’t actually cheating (he was - he told my husband he was) and that he was just horny because she (his wife) wasn’t keeping him interested in the bedroom and spending too much time on the kids.

So now he’s managed to get away with cheating AND make his wife think what’s happened is her fault. And he’s got her scrabbling to keep him interested by doing dirty stuff with sufficient regularity in bed. And he brags about it to his friends.

Poor woman believes he didn’t actually cheat. But she isn’t gullible - you believe what you have to believe, don’t you? Being a single mother of 3 with no real work history would in her eyes be worse than letting your husband blackmail you into regular anal sex.

To me the former is an unbelievably degrading position to be in and as much as I love my children and miss them when I’m working, there’s no way I could tolerate being in that situation (or at risk of it).

Historically it’s all been transactional. Man provides money, home and food. In return woman provides cooking, cleaning, childcare and sexual services. There’s a reason feminists fought for us to be freed from our place in that transaction.

I’m very sorry you’re suffering abuse and no it isn’t your fault. Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? Childcare costs are a huge factor in trapping women in abusive relationships but there is help out there.

There are loads of women who don't work and reply on their husband's income 100% - my mother was one of them and she ended up with very little after their divorce when I was 8. I made sure I didn't put myself in that position and got a career!

I suppose it's all about trust but, imo, there are far too many women out there leaving themselves in a vulnerable situation. I knew I couldn't do that.

Did you manage to train?

Er well I'm the main earner and have kids and financially independent- I don't need my DH for money at all

I know a couple of men (and, no, there is nothing going on here) who are unhappy supporting their wives as they feel like it's their duty to support them. Both marriages are unhappy and both men are unhappy as they've said they'd feel guilty leaving their wives as they rely so heavily on them for money. One man says his wife takes the p. Always shopping, doesn't do much else and has called her lazy (kids grown up). I think he was hoping she'd get a job so he could end the marriage.

Another one of these standard lets blame the stupid women for the mans behaviour threads 🙄
No one needs to justify themself for staying at home to raise their kids, no matter the reason. The focus should be on the man's poor behaviour, not taking a swipe at the woman.

I left a high paying career to raise my children. I was fortunate enough to be able to & it was the best decision I ever made. I must be a lazy, clueless, controlled woman though, right? If it had gone tits up I still would have been grateful for being able to spend those years with them, than have them in childcare while I work and dad ruins the family unit.

In 2022, everything should be equal - including the childcare - if possible.

I suppose it depends what you mean by totally reliant - as in, what choices the woman has.

I am a SAHM and have been for years. We have 3 children all close in age, so there hasn't really been a good time for me to go back to work, but I'm very happy with this. I've loved being at home with them and I'm a bit sad that this is coming to end, as much as it will be good to move on to the next chapter.

However, I have a good degree and worked for almost 10 years before I had children. I also have a part time voluntary position that I've been doing and they have paid for my training. This all means that I'm actually quite employable. Yes, not as employable as I would be had I not taken time out for babies, but still employable, nonetheless.

If my suddenly DH fucked off into the night with no warning, or became abusive, my DC and I would have choices, because I am employable in a field where there are pretty much hallways jobs, and those jobs would pay me enough to support my DC. It would certainly be a drop in our standard of living, but we wouldn't be on the bread line. We'd do alright.

I think that's the key difference. If I'd gotten married straight out of school, not gotten a degree, and had no work experience and not been volunteering whilst being a SAHM, then things would be very different. I would probably feel trapped because the only jobs available to me would be minimum wage, which is not really enough to support a family.

look 42% of marriages end in divorce, and far more wives are stuck in abusive or unpleasant or dead marriages because they can't afford to leave. Apart from how miserable that is, it has an effect on the children.

Why would you not protect yourself in the event that happens? This isn't about blaming the men, it's about having accountability for your own future, and that of your children. You can still take time off to look after the children, but you should always have a plan B, which to my mind means not being reliant on a man. Not handing all the power to the man.

I was made redundant with a 1 year old. I don't know if you have ever tried to get a job with one child in your mid 30s but I'm pretty sure most people's thoughts turn to the "next" maternity leave. Frustrating as we are only having one. I did manage but I was lucky to have a boss with 5 children who also fosters so is family-friendly.

The converse of this is that men are often not granted flexible working because some mysogynistic companies think well, I hired a man on purpose. Can't the mum do it?

If we could change this attitude (and shared parental leave was a step, but what about the other 12 or so years before kids can stay at home alone), the gender pay gap would narrow enormously. None of this helps with childcare costs of course.

I think we are at the mercy of our hormones up to a point -
High oestregen levels push our nurturing wants - so teens choose caring professions which aren't highly paid.
High oestregen levels push our nesting instincts so we settle for less then ideal, blinded by love.
This is changing, especially as teens see women in all roles unlike in the past.

I have been 100% financially reliant on my husband's income for almost 20 years OP. Yes, in 2022! What would you like to know?

I never realised this was anything to remark upon until I came on MN.

As for 'financial vulnerability' - that is all relative.

I know many women in my position. It's not that rare. And none of us are naive or need concern.

You might be 'shocked' by my lifestyle. Well, I am shocked that in 2022, so many women are delighted to marry men who want to maintain separate finances.That's far more shocking, I'd say.

So as a mother who works I don't parent my children? Pretty sure there's 168 hours in a week. 30 of those I work, 138 I'm with my children. And even when I'm at work, I'm still right there at the end of the phone if my children need me. Just because you have children doesn't mean you need to be glued to them every second of your life, no wonder we end up with grown adults who's parents are constantly in their business and would have a heart attack if their kids moved more than 5 minutes down the road from them.

I’m totally with you OP. I will be telling my daughter to a) choose a job that comes with a salary that is high enough to to pay for childcare b) keep working.
it’s all well and good if your marriage holds, but if it doesn’t you are really stuck.

THIS THIS AND THIS!!

I took my car to halfords the other day in the hope of a quick MOT because it was Bank Holiday weekend, bloke tried to convince me it needed £2500 of repairs, luckily I know enough about cars to know he was trying to take the piss out of me as a woman. Took my car elsewhere, paid £450 and car is fine. But the amount of women who came in to halfords, were given extortionate bills and responded with "eee that's high, but it's the hubby's money haha" was staggering.
Or another example, I run a small business and I get so many women saying they'll "just have to check with their partner" when I tell them how much they bill will be, yet make customers never have to "check with their partner"

I have 2 daughters and I truly hope they never become entirely reliant on someone else

"So as a mother who works I don't parent my children"

Not this again, fgs.

Why start a thread claiming faux disbelief about women who don't work. But then get super-defensive when they tell you why.

If you don't want to hear the answer - don't ask!

Why do you think it is. women don't work? The weather?

Nobody came on criticising your life choices OP. You started the thread to criticise women different to you.

I think I would be hated by all women on here!
i have been with dh since we were 16 (so 25 years). When we were teenagers we made a plan that we would finish uni, get married and have 6 children.

both of us come from backgrounds where we were living alone in b and bs from 17/18 so to us building a family and home was like an amazing dream back then!

So we finished uni got married and we have 6 children - after number 6 dh got the snip because we were done. I have worked at various points, but i havent built a career. We have a joint account share all money. But i do also have my own account with a little in.

I havent worked at all for the last 8 years as one of our children has some disabilities and it really doesnt make sense for us to try and find childcare for her im not even sure we could.

dh massively out earns what i have earned and tbh im ok with that. If i had to go out and get a job i could it wouldnt be massively paid but we would live. If dh dies we have good life insurance. I have friends and family and i feel like i have had a really pleasant life so far.

My mum was married with her first child at 18 and due to my dads job she couldn't really work. By 27 they had split up and mum was jobless and homeless. We were brought up on benefits as mum had no qualifications or work experience. I vowed never to be in that position.

It was hard keeping up working with young children. I did go part time but I kept my career ticking over and when the dc were 6 and 8 I got a new job that was full time. It was so important to me that no matter what, I could financially support my children and myself. I now out earn my DH, only by a few thousand but I'm proud to be 'the bread winner' 😂

I am shocked that in 2022, so many women are delighted to marry men who want to maintain separate finances.That's more shocking, I'd say.

I agree. I would have felt pretty pissed off if DH kept his high earnings to himself at that stage when I was on statutory maternity pay.

The problem is not the choices women make but the way childcare is set up. Many parents who have kids close together, or disabled children, or multiple births, can't afford the enormous price of nursery fees and decide it is not worth both of them going back to work. Our school day times have not changed to reflect working parents, after school clubs cost a lot.

Subsidised nursery provision would help. The 15 hours free we get from 2.9 years does not enable continuity in the workplace from pregnancy.

Well said. My 3 kids all went to nurseries whilst I returned to work. None of them even remember being there, so they wouldn’t have remembered it if I’d have sacrificed my career either. As you say OP it’s 30 - 36 hrs out of your week. My kids had a great time at nursery, made friends they are still friends with and they also enjoyed the after school clubs where they watched films with friends, played outside on the field and just had a good time. They still had a couple of hours to play at home / get ready for bed etc

HumptyDumpty2022
I know plenty of women with kids who work, it’s not excuse
What an ignorant thing to say. Lots of women have no choice if they have disabled/ sen children. From what I see it's always the women who is the carer. And there isn't enough support in the UK for mothers with disabled/ sen children. My son can't do full time nursery without 1 on 1 and nursery can't get funding for that. If he can manage full time at school I can then look at getting a job limited to within school hours. If he can't manage a full day what I am supposed to do? I have no option but to continue sacrificing my career (I have a phd) and be dependent on my husband to look after my son.