To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

If I was single I'd be reliant on benefits, how is that better?

What makes you think all jobs are 'corporate drudgery'? I certainly don't sit in an office all day. I travel all over the place, get to practise my foreign languages, meet interesting people. When I do go to the office, that usually means trying a new place for lunch and maybe after-work drinks.

I have plenty of free time. Pre-pandemic, I was doing something every evening, and my evenings often start at 4pm. Galleries, museums, gigs, restaurants. I have a flexible schedule, so I can go to the gym, go swimming, go for a walk if it's sunny. What do you do with your time that's so very exciting?

I think you're the one doing the mental gymnastics to convince yourself that essentially living in a gilded cage is desirable.

Personally I don't sit at a desk all day, I actually love my job as a chef. Its fun, fast paced, challenging and always something different. I'd go out of my mind if I had to spend every day at home, the pandemic was bad enough

But let's be honest, most middle class women work in professional jobs. Who really dreams of sitting in an office all day as their dream job.

Well, you wouldn't have to worry about being chucked out onto the street if you fell out with your partner, for one.

Yep, from someone who doesn't know any better because their own world is so small. It's telling.

Important not to miss the point that some men actively (or maybe accidentally) sabotage women's careers when they have small children.

Suddenly he will have taken on extra work because 'we've got two kids now' and 'someone has to' which pushes the mum further into the childcare/chores role. It's very comforting to some men to come home to sleepy, bathed children and the remains of a shepherd's pie and so on. They lean in to their work and force women to lean out, precisely at the crunch point. Not all men, but some.

Has worked for us for 34 years. I depend on him financially, he depends on me for so much more 🤷‍♀️

(oh and we love each other very much, if that makes any difference.)

@TruthHertz

Do they?

Even if thats true, (its not) what's what middle class women are doing got to do with it?

Yep, my ex tried this one but I didn't let him. Tried to turn me in to some stepford wife. I maintained I would still be working and keeping my independence, and in the end he cheated on me with several women and I kicked him out - which I was able to do because I kept my financial independence.

@AntlerRose it is very impressive that lone parents manage their household on one income, that's just the reality and we get on with it without a second income. Two adult households have no idea of the emotional and physical exhaustion of solo parenting.
I have always maintained financial from now exdh and we both contributed to childcare costs for 2dc which allowed me to continue working therefore continuing to maintain my independence.
I think a lot of women make the mistake of choosing to be a SAHM at the cost of future independence if their relationship fails. I would have loved to work less when my dc were small but chose not to for the very reason above. Of course no one believes their relationship will fail, but the stats prove otherwise.
I can honestly say they benefit much more being away from their emotionally abusive father than missing out on me being a SAHM.
I am not a high earner and I have a disabled child who will require support for the rest of their life but when the time came to leave I was able to as I had earning power.
My dc have it drummed into them that they need to have their own money much more than anything else.

So it's better for women to stay in unhappy, potentially abusive, relationships than it is for them to claim benefits?

Gotcha.

What does he depend on you for? Sorry if this sounds cold, but you can't survive without money. I highly doubt there's anything you do for him that he couldn't outsource to someone else. Do you not see what a power imbalance this is?

However, I also feel like many do a lot of mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they love their job and that sitting in an office all day isn't generally fucking boring compared to having loads more free time and being able to spend each day how they please.

Do you think men do this too? Or hate the corporate drudgery?

I personally think some women find it difficult to imagine that some other women would rather work than be at home or have a good balance.

pixie5121 · Today 00:00
MrsSkylerWhite
Has worked for us for 34 years. I depend on him financially, he depends on me for so much more 🤷‍♀️

(oh and we love each other very much, if that makes any difference.)

What does he depend on you for? Sorry if this sounds cold, but you can't survive without money. I highly doubt there's anything you do for him that he couldn't outsource to someone else. Do you not see what a power imbalance this is?”

too many things to list, in sometimes difficult circumstances. Works very well for us. Every asset and pension is 50/50 so finances are really not a concern. If you suggested a power imbalance in our relationship to anyone who knows us, they’d laugh you out of the room. As would I 😁

Personally I hope to get to the point in my career where I'm doing more & will increase to 4 days so DH can reduce to 4 days. That way we both have more free time & balance.

It's not the no career that scares me. It's the lack of self preservation. If you are going to be dependent get married or get a civil partnership if you can. Agree (ideally with a lawyer) what happens if you split. Ensure the family money covers a pension for you and that half goes into your bank account. It's not his wage it's both of yours.

Nearly everyone I know has to work full time. The bald fact is that for most couples, even with two lots of childcare, it's far more financially productive to both work. That's where I live. Once kids go to secondary, you can fire ahead with the careers you've already been in. It's a real luxury to have a stay at home parent and it's a gamble too. I appreciate that lots of people are forcibly in that position through disabilities. Many choose it though. I think it's a bit of an excuse to say 'I'm looking after children'. Loads of people are parents and work. If you don't want to work, that's fine, but at least own it and admit it that you just don't want to do it. My sympathy is a bit limited for people who were out of work for years and then moan about their situation. Unless they're physically incapacitated or caring for someone incapacitated, they made a conscious choice to stay at home and derived the benefit from that at the time.

Good luck to you. Fingers crossed an’ all that……

Why would you spend every day at home?

The last big thread I read on here about non-working women had loads of women talking about how lucky they felt to be able to pursue their hobbies, go to the gym, do volunteer work whilst also having loads of free time etc.

This is pretty true to what my non working friends are like. They seem much more likely to be able to actually get to the gym and spend time cooking healthy food rather than just talking a good diet as many of my busier mates do.

I mean, you must've seen all the threads from the women frustrated that they're getting fat but don't have the time/energy to exercise. And the ones who come home and unwind by drinking three glasses of wine every night. My favourite was the one who was asking if she could just eat M&S ready meals every night as she didn't have time to cook. 😂

It's not hard to see how the green eyes monster surfaces when they see these trim, well groomed ladies turn up in their Range Rover Sports and know they probs haven't done a day's work in quite a few years. Obviously I'm generalising but the above matches up with my experience of the matter.

I'm speaking more generally.

Imagine a woman of working age, for example. Say, 35. She stays at home while her partner works and has given up her career to look after the kids. She says it works great, because they each have their role and contribute equally but in different ways.

He suddenly has his head turned by a woman at work and leaves. Suddenly he's got someone else to do all the stuff she used to do - housework, washing his clothes, ironing, making his packed lunch for work. She's now struggling to manage three kids alone, hasn't worked in ten years so is basically unemployable and has an absolutely shit quality of life, while her former partner is taking the new girlfriend to the Bahamas and shopping in Harrods.

You don't think this is a power imbalance? That one person's contribution is money, necessary for survival and comfort, and the other person's contribution is essentially services that can be bought?

We've also done it whilst both being Mon/Fri 9-5. Yes the childcare bill was large but it will worked.

I think it helps massively if you like your job. There's nothing worse than working in a job you hate being away from your children and paying a huge amount on childcare. However. It's not all about money. It's about independence, keeping your hand in a working role, pension contributions, socialising outside of the family.

Imagine getting to do all those things and not have to worry about upsetting some man's ego and it all disappearing.

Of course, I'm sure someone like you has made sure there's no pre nup and you'll get a nice cut of his money, but you'll never feel the satisfaction of buying things with money you've earned. Unless you count shagging someone who funds your lifestyle as earning.

I agree OP..but in any article about high childcare costs, there is always someone who says 'how can you leave your precious babies in daycare or nursery? You should raise your own child instead of relying on strangers!'

If you actually listened to that 'advice', you would end up financially dependent. Yes the husband can stay at home too but it's usually the wife. Perhaps it's workable to take a break for four years if you had 1 child but most stay at home moms have at least 2 (I don't have the stats at hand but I suspect most mums of only children stop at one because it's easier to fit work around them; certainly that's one of my reasons). Anyway if you have 2, you could easily be out of the workplace for 7 years assuming 3 year age gap! Much harder to find a good job after that.

My MIL tells me I should WFH and not pay for childcare.she looked after 4 kids while working freelance. I think maybe it was workable back then when mortgages weren't so large. Anyway if I followed that advice, I would probably become unemployed.

This week, I have been in work at 730 every day. I have been ignored, told to shut up and 'accidentally' barged past in a corridor. Every day i have battled to teach kids who really don't see the point in doing my subject. I have come home and worked until roughly 10pm each night. I think my children may have buzzed past me at times. I think I can see the attraction of being a sahm this week.

If only dh could earn more money than me for his full time job. But, alas, I married the personality instead of the paycheck.