To think work isn’t compatible with being a mum

[Ori1]

Not until they’re about 6. The system as it is requires women to basically do the hardest job going (birthing/parenting through the early years) and work a job. I do both, and quite honestly it’s a fucking shitshow - I’m permanently tired, I feel like a Jack of all trades & a master of none, I also feel like a fraud at work because I’m constantly comparing myself to colleagues who don’t have kids & who seem to have boundless enthusiasm/energy.

I just think the way society is does nothing to benefit women and everything to complement men. Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

Me too.

If you don't want to work, don't. If you do want to work, crack on.

I can only manage working 3 days with a 2 year old. I tried 4 days but didn't manage.
That's the right balance for me.

Completely agree with this, 100%.

Why only women, and not parents?

If you want one parent to stay at home, you can do that. You’ll need to make some cuts to your quality of life in other areas, and may need to have your children later, or have fewer, but it’s down to you.

Another option is to find a wealthy man who’s a traditionalist who’ll be happy to go out to work while you stay at home in the nice house, driving the Range Rover to coffee mornings while the nanny takes over.

*Now your partner may say his work is really important or he gets paid more or he can't possibly ask to go part time/flexible/leave on time in his special Man job.
But mostly that is bollocks and they simply can't be arsed to do the drudgery that is looking after small kids and housework.

That's the real problem. Women get lumbered with working and doing far more than their fair share of domestic labour.*

This. Why should it be down to the mother to absorb all of the challenges of balancing working with raising children?Men need to step up.

Who's making you do both?!

I chose to go back to work. To support that decision, my husband chose to go part time. It's not society that holds women back, it's the partners they choose to have children with, for the most part.

I agree that the big problem for many is men. I know a man who insists he can't take carer's leave. He worked in office NHS job in the same organisation as me and he 100% could and it wouldn't be a problem, he just doesn't want to so his wife has to take unpaid leave.

I suspect there are so many men telling their family how terribly important their job is and they can't take time off for sickness, sports day etc but their female colleagues will be taking the time off.

I totally agree with you OP.
I always intended to go back to work after I had my first (reasonably good job, high earner, good company etc) but in the end I just realised it would be a total nightmare with young kids and what I’d thought pre kids was just totally off the mark! Luckily (I felt) I didn’t love my job so decided to take a career break. Of course that comes with a whole host of other potential problems for the future (and of course I recognise not everyone wants to do that either.) was a bit of a realisation for me that I couldn’t have it all - not even close - so decided to go with one staying home. I guess we will see how it pans out. Hoping when the kids are older I can start getting back out there - but feel like there is no point for a while or I would just be permanently knackered and stressed out. Women are absolutely not looked after in our society. And I get there are dads too and working options should improve there - but doesn’t take away the facts of giving birth, breastfeeding, being the one the toddlers always want - therefore the one feeling more of the guilt.
I honestly don’t know how households with young children do it when both parents are full time working.

Why should it be down to the mother to absorb all of the challenges of balancing working with raising children?Men need to step up.

Completely agree.

And the right time to ensure your chosen man is going to step up is before having children with him.

We both work, and both work in high-stress jobs with long hours, and of course, it’s hard.

This is mainly because having children is hard. It’s a massive commitment and responsibility, but one that we choose to take on.

I think that more couples should discuss expectations around parenting and work before they start trying to conceive. A great many posts on here seem to come from a real lack of having understood what each wanted to bring to the partnership.

I actually think it's easier than it used to be with flexible/part time/WFH becoming more accepted and wide spread. Almost all of my friends have at least one part time working parent and many have two though and I think it must be really hard to juggle if both parents are full time.

I disagree.

I find motherhood infinitely easier when I work full time.

I wouldn't stay at home unless you forced me. Or paid me enough to put my kids in nursery regardless.

It is hard, we need more flexible working and better childcare. I’d prefer a Scandi model though, to returning to split gender roles.

But what is your partner doing OP? Are you splitting housework and childcare equally? Or are you doing more of that?

Some weeks feel manageable, some less so. Everyone's priorities and balance are different. I don't think it's harder for me than dh though. I think we've both just accepted this bit is relentless. When everything goes to plan it's manageable- but its all very finely balanced and a night of no sleep or a week off nursery make it feel near impossible.
Hopefully things get easier and we can provide some financial security for our kids by both maintaining our career.

It's not just about childless employees vs parent employees....its about women. I know plenty often at work with tiny children who seem absolutely fine and v energetic. In my management team there are 3 women and 2 men..all of us have had to do emergency nursery pick ups etc, taken last minute days off, etc- I honestly didn't even realise the men had kids. They never mention them, they never appear on screen, they never get mid meeting phone calls from childminders.

The biggest problem is women procreating with fuckwit cocklodgers who think their penis gives them automatic abstention from parenting duties. We both work FT over 4 days and share the parenting and household load. Am I busier than I was single, of course, but I'm not drowning despite doing a very high pressure, complex job with devastating outcomes if i fuck it up, but my husband is an equal partner, single parent doing it all just be really really exhaustingly difficult.

This

I do agree though that somehow going to work feels like a break sometimes. Staying at home with some childcare would be ideal but obviously unaffordable. But work vs staying at home with toddlers 7 days a week...no contest.

I've found working quite compatible with parenting. So has my DH. He works and parents with me.

Sorry you are unhappy but you only speak for you. Not all of motherhood.

Exactly, there are so so many women in this situation. That's why it is ridiculous that it is so bloody hard to do both.

And also why the situation needs to change. Predominantly by men picking up more of the mundane shit in both the home and the workplace.

I agree, though think it’s more a case of life not being set up for both parents to work full time (in a lot of cases this affects mums more than dads, sadly).

I have a one year old and haven’t gone back to work yet. I probably won’t do more than part time until he’s much older. I appreciate that I’m lucky to have this option, but I honestly can’t see how me and DH could work full time without burning out.

Plus there’s all the judgment that comes with staying at home. Even if we outsourced all housework and life admin so that working full time was an appealing option, I’d still want to be at home. But I find myself lying and blaming the (frankly outrageous) nursery costs rather than openly admitting that I’m happy spending every day with my son because that works best for us.

In an ideal world, everyone would have the option to be a SAHP or access affordable childcare. I can’t see it happening with the increasing cost of living though.

We are all well trained actors pretending everything is fine, because that's what society demands. Nevermind the fact we are at crisis point re mental health issues, suicide, drug and alcohol dependancy and marriages and partnerships are failing at an alarming rate. This is all convieniently swept under the carpet, Look what happens when you try and question it ? No women are not allowed to question the expectation they can have it and do it all . Unpaid work such as raising children and taking care of elder relatives has zero value in todays society.
It has caused nothing but resentment between women and men, most women are at breaking point trying to keep everything together, whilst men refuse to be martyrs and try and get away with the absolute minimun. On this forum alone there is a contant spewing of hatred towards men because so many women are miserable and bitter with their lives. Maybe women should step back like my Mum did and say l either do one or the other , full time parent or go out to work, but not both, and let the women who apparently enjoy trying to fit a 48 hr day into a 24 one get on with it.
My Mum was a dam sight happier than most of the Mums on here, and my Dad thought the absolute world of her.

Yes but do they do it well & happily (and the dads too?) we don’t

I think the key is to have children with someone who sees you as their equal and is prepared to do at least 50:50 of the work. We see my job as equally as important as my DH’s and actually I tend to work longer hours so he often does more than me. We both work FT and if one of us needs to stay at home with DD it’s an equal discussion who it is not just an assumption it’s me.

I’m constantly tired too, definitely not saying it’s easy but in my house DH is just as tired as me. At the end of the day I chose to have a child it’s not fair for my Child-free colleagues to pick up extra slack for me.

Tough one. In my experience, working and being a parent is a difficult juggle. DH has it as hard as I do. But he has always taken on as equal role as me. I’m fortunate that I love my job and I earn more than him, so life outside of work is divided equally, even to the extent that we both work 4 days a week. I’m sure for a lot of women though, this isn’t the case. Be it life circumstances (multiple DC, DC with significant health needs, low income employment) or partner circumstances, I suspect that mothers feel the burnout more.