To think work isn’t compatible with being a mum

[Ori1]

Not until they’re about 6. The system as it is requires women to basically do the hardest job going (birthing/parenting through the early years) and work a job. I do both, and quite honestly it’s a fucking shitshow - I’m permanently tired, I feel like a Jack of all trades & a master of none, I also feel like a fraud at work because I’m constantly comparing myself to colleagues who don’t have kids & who seem to have boundless enthusiasm/energy.

I just think the way society is does nothing to benefit women and everything to complement men. Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

I do agree to an extent OP and I would never diminish your lived experience. I’ve completely changed my career path since having my two children and in lots of ways I feel sad about it. However- I now have a great more flexible job which benefits me hugely as a mother but will also be great in future when the children are older. Work are understanding of the needs of parents, I work flexibility and work hard when I’m there to ‘prove’ myself.
Things are getting slowly better. I also think I was very aware going into parenthood that it would impact my career and I accepted that as part of the deal. As challenging as parenting is the joy and meaning it brings compared to work (I’m a senior HCP so got a lot out of work too) is unparalleled.
I also see the light the other side of having young children. I will be more flexible, more committed, more able to take extra responsibilities. This is a small but important part of my life. I try to be positive and not feel it’s me vs ‘the man’/work but rather im trying to balance and enjoy all areas of my life as best I can.

@luxxlisbon

To me, being a mum is the most important job I’ve ever had actually.

That’s right, we don’t get special treatment at work, or to pass work off to the childless just because we have children.

An Afternoon off for a play comes from annual leave, and an emergency day off needs to have the hours made up later.

This is all fair enough though.

My question is, why hasn’t society adapted so that women don’t have to do both if they choose not to?

Because economically it's not possible most of the time without us all accepting a big drop in standard of living resulting from a huge exodus of skilled people from the labour market.

My question is, why hasn’t society adapted so that women don’t have to do both if they choose not to?

Women can choose not to. But there are consequences to it later down the line.

Why don’t men stay at home? Why isn’t it parents of children that the system should change to support? Making it easier for mothers to stay home is regressive.

Because children have two parents.
In most cases - bar abuse etc - the ideal is that parents should be splitting the work of child rearing equally.

Why should mothers be supported to not work but not fathers? Post breast feeding, there is nothing that fathers cannot do as well as women. Given very few women breast feed much past six months, it is not clear why specifically mothers need to be out of workplace for six years

Now your partner may say his work is really important or he gets paid more or he can't possibly ask to go part time/flexible/leave on time in his special Man job.
But mostly that is bollocks and they simply can't be arsed to do the drudgery that is looking after small kids and housework.

That's the real problem. Women get lumbered with working and doing far more than their fair share of domestic labour.

@Ori1 but society does allow many women to ”not do both if they don’t want to”. There are thousands of stay at home mums on this site alone.

Your opinion on your life, totally fine but not the same as your claim that ‘mother’ is the most important job in general.
A father is equally important.
And when the father is equally important the mother’s life becomes easier too.

I guess like anything women can choose to be a stay at home parent if they have the money to. That has always been the case it's just things are more expensive now plus more women want to work but they still could potentially choose not to. Or they can choose to work full time and not be the stay at home parent but for their partner to be if they have a partner who is willing. Again that has always been the case its just that men are socialised into being the breadwinner and women into being stay at home.

Alot of it really comes down to money. But that's why as PP has said alot of working class women always have worked and had kids.

I get where you are coming from, I've worked since my ds was 1 and i have always been a single parent so never had the security of a second wage (or child support but that's another story 😒) there are times where I've felt like I spread myself too thin and consequently dont do particularly well at either role but at the same time my career has gone from strength to strength since I went back to work so clearly I'm managing. And ds seems happy so its possible but it is tough.

I didn't want to stay at home beyond my maternity leave. I wanted to go back to work.

@FemmeNatal hear hear! I don’t understand why some parents feel they should be entitled to so many more allowances simply because they were able to/chose to reproduce.

You can't take 6 to 12 years out of work to have 1 or more dc. So you make it work. Make sure your partner does equal child and domestic work and you'd be fine.

As a single mum of 4dc, i found working when they were younger so much easier than once they started school. When they were younger they just attended nursery or childminder all year round. Once they reached school age had to manage breakfast club, school, afterschool club, school holiday clubs, and added to that homework, school events, and hobbies.

Exactly and I think the UK has one of the better maternity leaves, structure and pay than many countries. In my home country, ML is 3 months along with the extortionate childcare fees. We managed to cope and have careers fine.

That's the real problem. Women get lumbered with working and doing far more than their fair share of domestic labour.

This, this, this, this all day long.

I agree with you OP, working effectively and efficiently whilst being a parent is extremely difficult and in most circumstances results in poor performance of both roles.

What's you're answer to your own question? 6 years paid Mat leave? (Bonkers).

This is what I am expecting. At the moment children are pre school. So I decided to not have too long maternity and make what I can now in the hope I can be more flexible later. But to be honest my partner will be doing a lot of it too. Possibly more of the early pick ups.

DH and I chose to have children and run a house together and we split everything down the middle. We both work FT and we are both moderately frazzled, as any parent to a young child is IME!

I was forced back to work FT (main breadwinner) and I was resentful as all my friends went PT post kids. Honestly, 9 years down the line it’s the best thing I ever did. DH had to step up and do half of everything from the off and never had the cushion of a PT working wife who did most of the house work and ‘life admin 🤮)

I don’t know how single parents do it though. Hats off, you are bloody amazing.

Is it easier being a working dad? Yes? There is your problem. There is nothing in science that says men/ dad's can't do half the childcare and domestic duties.

I think it can be fine, if both parents do their bit equally. It was for me. The problem is more that men need to step up, and take an equal part in parenting, so all the juggling is not left to women.

This. But also it gets way harder when they get to school so no idea where you got 6 from.

So many women allow themselves to be put in this situation.

Yes I agree with everything you have said. And as for the poster who told you to ‘get a grip’ they have obviously never experienced the juggle! Such an unkind thing to say.

What they said.

Patriarchy.
Socialisation.
Internalised expectations.

It’s not a “working mother” thing unless you believe being a mother is superior to being a parent.