To think work isn’t compatible with being a mum

[Ori1]

Not until they’re about 6. The system as it is requires women to basically do the hardest job going (birthing/parenting through the early years) and work a job. I do both, and quite honestly it’s a fucking shitshow - I’m permanently tired, I feel like a Jack of all trades & a master of none, I also feel like a fraud at work because I’m constantly comparing myself to colleagues who don’t have kids & who seem to have boundless enthusiasm/energy.

I just think the way society is does nothing to benefit women and everything to complement men. Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

Dividing parenting 50/50 sounds great in theory, but a lot of jobs can't simply be done properly during nursery hours and even less during school hours. I worked ft for the first 9 years of having dcs, with help of DH and a fulltime nanny, 50-70 hours, including most evenings and all weekends. DH was working even longer hours. We realised that by sharing the workload and working ft, we were killing both of us, and were pretty much stuck in our careers - indeed, as some previous posters said, we felt horrible not doing our job well enough and were worried to get sacked/sink the businesses we were running. So we decided that I stayed home and DH concentrated on work 100%, incl. freedom to travel etc. He increased his income quickly by about 5 times what I had been earning, plus we are saving massively on childcare costs, second car, cleaner etc. It's great if both parents have the choice to work, if they truly love their jobs, but it's often so much less stressful, and economical, if parents divide and conquer, with one parent focussing on career and the other on home and childcare. After all, once you get to Managing Director/Partner/Chief officer level, or expand your own business, the jumps in income are no longer a couple percent but can be several multiples of average ft income, so that 1 person 100% devoted to a career can earn multiples of what 2 people who share everything 50/50 can achieve. Of course, money is not everything, but it gives freedom, and the mantra that the ideal should be that partners should share everything 50/50 might well be a costly ideal that takes away the possibility that 1 parent earns enough should the other parent want/need to stay home.

@ilovemyspace

Do you have an oh? Does he work?

Why should society value a sahm specifically?

Single mum of 2, aged 10 and 7. I’ve had the toughest 2 weeks. We’re up early and have to go to breakfast club at 8 then kids clubs, swimming lessons, ballet, football presentation and parties, etc. I gave in today, rang both kids in sick at school and took a duvet day. Am completely burnt out.

This thread chimes well with the other big thread tonight about ‘women relying on husbands in 2022’

i totally agree with you op.. I’ve taken a year off for this exact reason. Lots of posts on the other thread saying of course we can all work with kids etc. Apologies if someone’s already mentioned it I haven’t read the full replies. Good luck to you I hope it gets easier xxxx

I don't think women should compromise but at the same time , neither should the child.
There has to be a compromise and unless it's absolutely necessary I would urge caution at full time nursery for babies.

I hear you OP. Hang in there, it gets easier. Mine are both secondary age now and I'm actually not shattered 100% of the time

1 person 100% devoted to a career can earn multiples of what 2 people who share everything 50/50 can achieve.

True. But the person choosing the domestic support & parenting role is wholly disadvantaged in economic terms by even greater multiples. So they’d better hope that doesn’t screw them over in the long term…

Change at the level of society is the aggregate of individual decisions. If you want a change in how women and men organise their lives then do it first in your home, teach your sons and daughters, and change will come.

@NellyBarney

Why not you though?

Why weren't you the one to focus on your career and your oh stay home?

DH friend is a pilot, and his wife is high up in company. They both work odd hours and had a full-time nanny.
They said she's having the best time raising their son, she spends more time in the house than they do , ( beautiful flat Geneva)!! And has time to enjoy the city!

@Topgub society should value parents and that would mean supporting SAHP more. Many of them probably wouldn’t be SAHP if they had good support. Most people choose to be SAHP because they find working and parenting incompatible.

Society should value parents because without them, Society won’t exist. There’ll be no customers, no employees, no communities.. I’m guessing you might not have kids! X

I absolutely agree, Femme.

@sjxoxo

I think society does value parents.

Mat leave. Pat leave. Family friendly work policies. Income support.free education. Etc

Working patterns could be more flexible. The govt should subsidise childcare more.

But that doesn't answer why society should value sahms specifically

I agree with you right now. The reality is exhausting. It feels like the jobs of rearing children and running a household are expected to be fit in the cracks around a job. I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I don’t get moaning my dh does nothing on here. Do men suddenly become lazy when there is a ring on it, all of them?

ok but that doesn’t make it “the most important job” full stop.

Good for you. And for that you’ve to make it work for yourself and your child.

society shouldn’t be paying for your life style choices. You and the father of the child should.
why should you have more rights than the father of the child ? Why should childless people be supporting your choice of life ?

i agree with others. Mums life becomes easier when they share the chores of bringing a child up and the house duties. It leaves time for both parents to work and also grow up in their careers. I’m in a better place professionally now than when my son was born 5 years ago. I’ve sacrificed time with him as he’s been to nursery but also im a person not someone else’s mum only.

It's bloody hard, society expects mums to work like they don't have children and mother like they don't have work. We only have one child, work 2/3 days a week and bloody difficult to juggle it all.. no encouragement for working parents.. I'd be better off Hassel wise to give up my job!

I agree with you, Ive just gone back to work and have a 2 year old. I hate it, my nursery feed are over £900pm, it’s hardy worth it at all in my eyes.

I wish I could have stayed at home, the only reason I returned to work is because of the cost of living increase.

some women don’t have a desire to work after children, I have no ambition other than to be the best mum I possibly can be to my son and future children. I’ve decided after my next child to start up as a childminder. Good money, great flexibility and can stay and look after my own child rather than paying someone else to do it. I guess some careers are better suited to mums than others, but I don’t think the country supports working mothers in general- imo.

@EasterIssland how are society or childless people supporting PPS choices ?

why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

I agree that we need more flexible/remote working & cheaper childcare. But most women I know including myself want to work. I work p/t & have a good balance. I have flexibility & a supportive DH though.

@Topgub it isn't sexist to say that I think parents should put their children first if they choose to have them.

From ops comment

“why hasn’t society adapted so that women don’t have to do both if they choose not to?”

op wants society to support women that decide to have children and decide not to work. Why should a childless person support op so she can stay at home.

@kritigirl

What does that even mean?

Your first post said mums. Not parents

Oh come on. Until men can birth a child, things are never going to be equal. They cannot be equal.

Men do not carry the child for 9 months. They don’t have the ability to breast feed.

Why do we feel the need to pretend that men are able to take their fair share even if they want to? They can’t. The impact of carrying a baby and giving birth on a woman's body, plus the impact on sleep due to breastfeeding, is huge.

Yes we are now entitled to maternity leave but let’s not pretend that maternity leave is 9 months of joy. It’s hard work - yet as the poster said there is no recognition of this, and no slack to do the most important job there is.

I work full time, my career is important to me. Would I have gone back to work if we had more money? No I wouldn’t have. It’s stressful. Drop offs, pick ups, sickness, finding the right childcare etc. Its awful.

We see women who stay at home as oppressed, lacking control, being the ones to deal with domestic drudgery.

Yes in most cases the women still need to deal with the domestic drudgery when they work full time.