To think work isn’t compatible with being a mum

[Ori1]

Not until they’re about 6. The system as it is requires women to basically do the hardest job going (birthing/parenting through the early years) and work a job. I do both, and quite honestly it’s a fucking shitshow - I’m permanently tired, I feel like a Jack of all trades & a master of none, I also feel like a fraud at work because I’m constantly comparing myself to colleagues who don’t have kids & who seem to have boundless enthusiasm/energy.

I just think the way society is does nothing to benefit women and everything to complement men. Why don’t women get any slack whilst doing the most important job there is; why haven’t we thought of ways. they can be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

I work full time in a professional senior job, easily 50 hours a week. I have two primary school age children and took 3 months mat leave with both. My husband also works full time. We are in the U.K. and don’t have a cleaner / nanny / family help (but both nursery and later school have good wraparound care options).

It’s chaotic at times and stressful too but we make it work and I’d hate to give up working. We prioritise family time at weekends and I don’t feel the children are missing out at all.

It often comes down to choice is all.

We probably don’t split 50/50 more 60 (DH) / 40 (me) as I commute and have less AL!

You need to break it down if you work full time yes you will be shattered.

Once kids get to school age I'm not sure it's easier. Give me nursery days, no inset days and being able to take the day off any day!

3 months mat leave? You missed out and I was dying to get back to work after my mat leave!

Because as ive just said on another thread people think the status quo works

They chose to have kids with men who have no intention of sharing the load.

They have kids with men who are career focused and earn more than them then say they have no option but to do all the work.

I dont recognise the op because I made sure I wasn't lumbered with doing everything myself.

Equal childcare from birth.

Could not agree with this more.

I think the bigger and more important societal question is why aren't fathers expected to do an equal share in many cases! Not women to be given slack because they take the lions share due to a lazy/useless/societal attitude that women should do the brunt of early years child raising!

We have a solid 50/50 split my DH is expected to care for the children and does nursery drop offs, breakfasts, night wakes for the toddler etc. He's a bit rubbish at housework but we do it jointly together when they are in bed and I do the bulk of the cooking he does the bulk of the washing up. We both work I'm ft he's pt 4 days a week (his choice).

But I have friends who seem to accept their DH doing sod all, not about weekends (apparently that's hobby time) gey zero downtime and make excuses for their "D" H being useless all whilst they work and drive themselves into the ground.
It's just not acceptable for men to not be 50/50 parents and I certainly won't be raising my boys to think it is!

This.

I’m a single working mum of three with no support from my ex partner.

One DC has additional needs, all of them are primary school age. I manage. It is tough but I manage.

Admittedly, I work part-time as my ex-h doesn’t have any contact and I really struggled when full-time. My career has suffered and at times I feel like I’m average at everything. But that’s because everything is on me all of the time.

Society hasn’t held me back, having children with a useless man did.

If both parents share childcare and household stuff I can’t see why working full-time is impossible.

I’m not even sure things get much easier when they’re 6. Then school expect you to come to all sorts in the middle of the day, plus the long holidays to cover. I actually found working easier when DD was in nursery-when we had time off it was proper quality time all together, not just splitting up the school holidays to avoid ££ holiday clubs. Now she’s at school with my youngest about to join her it feel like I’m constantly juggling and scared of dropping the ball.

I found it tiring but I am glad I did it, my partner and I both went part time and genuinely did share the childcare and (as he put it, appositely) the "unrelenting drudgery". It made it much easier to stay on the career ladder, I've stayed in my profession and been promoted a couple of times. It gets easier. As others say, women need to stop putting up with men who don't do their fair share, and also deciding that the childcare costs don't make it worth them going back to work without considering the longer term impact on their earnings and pension.

I think becoming a parent and not becoming a parent both involve sacrifices. It is harder to work full time as a parent than it was when I wasn't a parent, but it's not harder on me that it is on my husband. I cover mornings before work, he does evenings, we alternate days off when she's sick, we contribute equally to housework.

There are sacrifices involved with both staying at home and working as well, some people are lucky enough to have the choice and some aren't. I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed OP, but I don't think you're correct that work is incompatible with motherhood.

I think we need to be more honest with girls and young women about the idea of 'having it all'. Ideally young men too but the reality is this burden will still largely fall on working mums.

Having children is a choice though. You don’t have to have children.

More women used to stay at home (when you could live on one wage) and had to fight to be able to go to work.

Is your dc father in their life? Why is he not sharing the load?

An equal partnership is absolutely vital IMO.

I hate to say this and I’m sure people will put me in my place but some of my female friends are doing the lions share because they micromanage their families lives and won’t let their husbands do things because they won’t do it to their standards.

I have friends who lay out all clothes (themselves, DH and kids for the week in advance) so they all look smart. Another friend won’t let her DP do packed lunches as their sandwiches aren’t tidy and she happily told me at coffee the other day that she had recut the lunchbox carrot and cucumber batons as they weren’t uniform enough!

I let my DH do things. Even if he screws things up because he doesn’t really want to do them (quite likely IME!) Make them do stuff and they will learn to do their fair share.

I used to love my job. Now with 2 dc, 3 and 1. I am exhausted and sooo stressed. I pay for nursery and when their well its hard but manageable. One or both of them seem to be ill every other week. I've been back in work three months, we currently have covid, dnv twice and three bugs. It feel like I'm constantly letting someone down.

@Cherclueless

I have a mate like that. It drives me bonkers

DH and I both work full time, we have 2 DC aged 2 and 6. Juggling the 6 year old and work is much harder than juggling the 2 year old and work!

DS2 has tea at nursery/DMs and doesn't have homework or school uniform!

DS1 is always starving after after school club/has a reading book/maths homework/PE kit to remember to wash etc.
I can't wait for the summer holidays!

(We also share childcare and life admin equally so are both equally tired)

Yes I agree.
A lot of feminist types think that a womens right to work is better for women but in my opinion, we’ve made it harder for women by pushing them into having careers and being ‘independent’.
we’ve also made it harder for children too.
Having worked in childcare I’m sorry to say but the majority of children are really unhappy deep down. Some of the little ones there came in the dark and left in the dark.
I’m a working mum and some days I just want to cry. Tonight is the first time I’ve sat down all week yet I know I’ve got a pile of washing and ironing still to do and a kitchen full of washing up 😭

It's hard, sure, but not impossible. I WANT to work. And why does it have to be just the woman 'parenting through the early years'? My husband shares this with me - I gave birth and breastfed, but after that we are equal.

...be more supported so they don’t have to work during the early years and raise a family?

Are you kidding me? YOU may want that, but not every woman does! With 2 kids under 2, I was paying more than £3k a month for nursery fees at one point - more than I earned. I didn't have to work. I would have been financially better off not working. But I WANTED to work. I think parents should be better supported full stop, but not with the aim of women not working 🤦‍♀️

Also in Eastern Europe at one point paid maternity leave was three years. As far as I know it went down to two years, eventually.

Having worked in childcare I’m sorry to say but the majority of children are really unhappy deep down

I've worked in nurseries too and it completely depends on the setting ime. DS2 happily runs into nursery every morning and DS1 still asks after his favourite key worker (same nursery for both).

@Sunshine10012

Are you a single parent?

How did you know the kids were unhappy deep down ?

imho, parenthood is not the hardest job going.

I'm very unhappy at every life challenge on MN being used as excuse to slag men off and play self-pity violins at the tragedy of not being born male.

I agree with the OP. No provision is made to help mums stay at home and bring up their young children and then go back to work. Women give birth and when they can they breastfeed their babies. In this respect I think most women are different to men and bond differently with their very young children.

We chose to have our children surely it our responsibility to raise them as best we can? They didn't choose to be born. Therefore surely we have to make sacrifices to raise them.

We can't have it all.
I would much prefer a calm life for my kids where I am not so tired every day and night that I can't enjoy them or am too exhausted to support good sleep routines or meal habits.
Yes it's hard, yes your career suffers but kids need to be raised by their parents.
Old fashioned I know
We now live in a society where we must have everything. Our kids are the ones that will suffer

I suspect that Darksides enjoys her job- I was similar. I took 8 weeks both times and then went back 2 days a week until 4 months then back full time. I enjoy my job and that seemed like a great way not to lose my own identity to motherhood.

Importantly though, DH went part time so was home those two days and he was adamant he didn’t want me there hovering while he was figuring out his own parenting. My children are pre-teens now, the younger years were brutal but it was perfectly possible to do both because DH could parent/ housekeep just as well as me.