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Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Mammyloveswine · 24/06/2022 17:09

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:08

They arnt really in bed as such at 7.30, but are in thier rooms doing something quiet like reading or watching a bit of tv.
my kids are 13,9 and 8. 13 year old naturally likes to spend time on the phone or I pad ect so is happy upstairs at that point but my other 2 not so much.

That's awful banishing your children to their rooms at 7:30?!!! Poor kids having their mam choose a man over them.

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Kanaloa · 24/06/2022 17:10

So you tell a 13 year old they need to be in their room by 7.30 because their stepdad likes them in bed by 7.30 as he needs ‘us time?’ When do you get ‘us time’ with your three kids? It’s sad. My 6 year old isn’t sent to her room at 7.30. No, we don’t have much time in the evenings together - it’s tough luck. We spend the evenings with our kids. My eldest is 11 and I could not imagine sitting my kids down and saying ‘you all need to go to your rooms by 7.30, stepdad doesn’t like you downstairs. His kid is fine to be down of course, but not you.’

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Snoken · 24/06/2022 17:10

This whole set-up is so alien to me. You should eat together as a family, not kids first then the parents. Especially not at the age the kids are. You only see your kids on weekday evenings, but you make sure they are out of the way by 7.30pm, that is bonkers. You are already missing loads of quality time with them by not having weekends with them.

Your partners son should not be made to eat on his own just so that you and your partner then can eat on your own. That would be terrible for your SDS and he would feel completely alienated.

There is so much to gain from eating together as a family. It's great for learning how to behave around a dinner table, great for catching up on life and great for social skills.

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LateAF · 24/06/2022 17:11

Your children are too old for separate tea time- isn’t that only appropriate for toddlers. At that age they should be eating as a family with you. And the 5 year old should be in bed earlier than 9 but it’s not wrong for him to eat with you. You and your DP can spend time together after dinner and bed time.

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GrazingSheep · 24/06/2022 17:11

What would happen if you allowed your 8 and 9 year olds to stay downstairs?
Do they even like him??

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Rinatinabina · 24/06/2022 17:13

The kids eat with you from now on. Honestly you have put your husband before your kids, what will happen when you have your joint child? I imagine there will be a difference in how your kids are treated to your joint child. Did you not see this coming before you got pregnant? It’s not like he’s been hiding it.

Honestly this is getting really frustrating, I’m starting to feel like every other woman on mumsnet has decided to have a kid with a dickhead.

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Gnusmas · 24/06/2022 17:14

Exactly, such a weird and dysfunctional set up from two adults who think they're childless 20 Yr olds needing 'alone time' and forgetting that they're part of a family.

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MyneighbourisTotoro · 24/06/2022 17:14

The issue for me wouldn’t be the bed time but eating at separate times.
We are lucky and my DH is home by 6 the latest so food is ready for us all to eat together, then we spend some time together before the kids start getting ready for bed between 7:30 and 8pm.
Something has to be rearranged as it isn’t fair on your kids at all.

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CourtneeLuv · 24/06/2022 17:14

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:08

They arnt really in bed as such at 7.30, but are in thier rooms doing something quiet like reading or watching a bit of tv.
my kids are 13,9 and 8. 13 year old naturally likes to spend time on the phone or I pad ect so is happy upstairs at that point but my other 2 not so much.

😲

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Ohthatsexciting · 24/06/2022 17:17

You don’t ever have your own children at the weekend?

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Booklover3 · 24/06/2022 17:18

Nope I wouldn’t do this

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2reefsin30knots · 24/06/2022 17:18

It doesn't sound like either of you like spending time with children that much. Why are you have more??

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Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:19

The kids do tend to eat different things to us.
i do have my kids weekends occasionally, not often because that’s the time thier dad gets, and he wants them every weekend and he can’t have them in the week. As I said, I do have them half the holidays though so I do get to do things with them then.

i will do as suggested though and have dinner with my kids some week days and dp will have to eat when he gets in, I think that’s a good idea. But I really don’t feel it’s the fact it’s a weekend that makes a difference, it’s because it’s his child. And I have my kids 4 nights a week, we have his 3 nights so not great deal of difference.

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Gnusmas · 24/06/2022 17:19

2reefsin30knots · 24/06/2022 17:18

It doesn't sound like either of you like spending time with children that much. Why are you have more??

Poor kids, yet there's another one on the way.

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washingwakeup · 24/06/2022 17:19

He doesn't sound great.

Is he by any chance part of the reason your 10yo has lived with her dad for the last few years?

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/06/2022 17:20

Ohthatsexciting · 24/06/2022 17:17

You don’t ever have your own children at the weekend?

On another thread Op says she has a 10yo dd who lives full time with her Dad and op only has her at weekends and half the holidays, I am curious what time her dd eats and goes to bed at weekends.

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Ohthatsexciting · 24/06/2022 17:20

She lives full time with her father, only spends weekends and half the holidays with me.

last week you posted that you only spend weekends with her

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Kanaloa · 24/06/2022 17:21

2reefsin30knots · 24/06/2022 17:18

It doesn't sound like either of you like spending time with children that much. Why are you have more??

I don’t think that’s entirely true. He likes spending time with his own kids, he just dislikes hers. So when she has his kid, that kid will likely be allowed to be treated like a member of the family rather than an intrusion on the family.

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Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:21

i can’t have my kids at weekends, their dad would never allow it. That’s a whole other thread. It’s the only time he gets to see them. As I said, I do have them half all holidays.

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billy1966 · 24/06/2022 17:21

Absolutely dreadful.

Really dreadful.

Your poor children.

And of course you are pregnant now by this prince.🙄

I feel so sorry for your children.

Another woman putting a man ahead of her children.

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SandyWedges · 24/06/2022 17:22

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:08

They arnt really in bed as such at 7.30, but are in thier rooms doing something quiet like reading or watching a bit of tv.
my kids are 13,9 and 8. 13 year old naturally likes to spend time on the phone or I pad ect so is happy upstairs at that point but my other 2 not so much.

Of course they aren't happy. They want to spend time with you! Why do you need so much "adult time" in the evenings?!

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SandyWedges · 24/06/2022 17:23

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:21

i can’t have my kids at weekends, their dad would never allow it. That’s a whole other thread. It’s the only time he gets to see them. As I said, I do have them half all holidays.

Your poor poor kids.

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Ohthatsexciting · 24/06/2022 17:23

Bloody hell

i have just searched the OP’s name

what a shit show

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GrazingSheep · 24/06/2022 17:23

Why do you need so much "adult time" in the evenings?!

Because that’s what the man wants.

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washingwakeup · 24/06/2022 17:23

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:21

i can’t have my kids at weekends, their dad would never allow it. That’s a whole other thread. It’s the only time he gets to see them. As I said, I do have them half all holidays.

It's not about what he would allow. It's about what would be best for the children. He could have them extra in holidays if he really can't have them during the week. Although, not having them in the week is also ultimately his choice.

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