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Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Midlifemusings · 24/06/2022 16:46

If your kids go to bed and to sleep then, they need the sleep. I don't think 7:30 is too early if they are going to sleep. Depending on when they need to be up, it could be they are just getting a good's night sleep.

Since it is equal when the kids are there together, I don't really see the issue. It is normal for kids to stay up later on weekends and go to bed earlier on school nights and that is what is happening here. I think it would be pretty punitive to put his child to bed earlier on weekends just because yours go to bed earlier on school nights.

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ChiefWiggumsBoy · 24/06/2022 16:46

Do you not like spending ‘quiet time’ with your kids after dinner or something?

I mean this is such a weird set up. No I would not be happy to have to entertain a child not my own till 9pm but have to send mine out of sight after 730.

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hangrylady · 24/06/2022 16:46

7.30pm is pretty early for an 8 year old bedtime. Why are you asking him anyway? just tell him that you are going to eat with your kids and prioritise them, not him.

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GrazingSheep · 24/06/2022 16:48

He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

It’s worrying that you can’t see what is wrong here. Your children are coming after him in your priorities.

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zingally · 24/06/2022 16:48

All you can really do is deal with your own kids in the way you think is best. If you'd like them to stay up and eat later, as their parent, you can decide that.

What DP does with his DC is up to him really. As the bio-parent, he gets final say, as you should when it concerns your three. IF however, you DON'T get the final decision in your bio parent role, that's a problem that needs addressing.

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Herejustforthisone · 24/06/2022 16:51

He’s treating your children differently and unfairly. And he’s calling you names when you challenge him.

Fuck sake.

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Fullofhotcrossbuns · 24/06/2022 16:53

Raspberryjam22 · 24/06/2022 16:38

Your youngest is 8 so how old are your other 2 ? 7.30 seems early for bed at that age .

Really?

our 8 year old goes up at 7 has a hour chill out then bed at 8

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SandyWedges · 24/06/2022 16:55

You all eat together apart from your partner who is the one who comes home late so they reheat theirs

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SandyWedges · 24/06/2022 16:56

Eat with your own kids. It's important for your kids.

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Midlifemusings · 24/06/2022 16:57

Fullofhotcrossbuns · 24/06/2022 16:53

Really?

our 8 year old goes up at 7 has a hour chill out then bed at 8

I am surprised too by how many think 7:30 is really early for 3 kids under 8 on school nights. If they are keeping their kids up for tea at 7:30, they likely aren't getting to bed until 9:00 or so and that seems so late to me for little kids who have to be up early for school.

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GreatCrash · 24/06/2022 16:58

Your partner is being completely unreasonable. I wouldn't put up with one rule for his child and a different rule for mine.

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GreatCrash · 24/06/2022 16:59

@Midlifemusings it's not three kids under 8, the youngest is 8.

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SausageAndCash · 24/06/2022 16:59

There are logistics, though, aren’t there?

Can your kids wait til your dinner time to eat? Would you eat the same meals? Or do you do a quick meal for your kids when you get in from work and something a bit more involved for you?

Do you have them all on Fridays?

I’m not sure your DP should have so much say over what time your kids eat!

Who does the cooking?

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/06/2022 17:00

Midlifemusings · 24/06/2022 16:57

I am surprised too by how many think 7:30 is really early for 3 kids under 8 on school nights. If they are keeping their kids up for tea at 7:30, they likely aren't getting to bed until 9:00 or so and that seems so late to me for little kids who have to be up early for school.

Its 3 kids over 8.

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SausageAndCash · 24/06/2022 17:00

But yes, unfair.

And how come you never have your kids at the w/e? The fun time?

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Midlifemusings · 24/06/2022 17:01

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/06/2022 17:00

Its 3 kids over 8.

Thanks, I misread it as 3 under 8. I can see 7:30 being early for older kids for sure.

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RampantIvy · 24/06/2022 17:02

Fullofhotcrossbuns · 24/06/2022 16:53

Really?

our 8 year old goes up at 7 has a hour chill out then bed at 8

I'm with @Raspberryjam22. 7.30 is very early for an 8 year old. DD wasn't tired enough at that age to go to bed so early. Besides, Brownies didn't end until 7.30.

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Kanaloa · 24/06/2022 17:04

When do you get to spend time with the kids if you have to have them fed, bathed, and hidden in their rooms before 7.30? I’d never see mine. And why does he make the rules for your kids and his? Are you not able to say no? Why have you been allowing his child to sit up every night while yours have to have ‘quiet time’ by 7.30 so you can eat a separate dinner with your husband who doesn’t want your kids at the table with him?

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Kanaloa · 24/06/2022 17:05

And by the way I know you and your husband are calling it ‘quiet time’ but your kids won’t remember it as that, will they? It’s really ‘boring time.’ Or ‘sitting in my bedroom at 7.30 every night so my stepdad can have mum all to himself and watch telly with her because I’m not good enough to be at the table like his kids time.’

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SeasonFinale · 24/06/2022 17:05

Personally I do think the schoolday/weekend thing does make a difference. would he compromise on it just being one weekend evening instead?

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Herejustforthisone · 24/06/2022 17:06

What would this absolute prince say if you let your kids stay up to eat with you, too?

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/06/2022 17:07

Op what about your Daughter at weekends? You said on another thread that your 10yo dd lives with her Dad full time but she comes to You at weekends, so what time is she eating and going to bed at the weekends?

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Gnusmas · 24/06/2022 17:07

This is why I don't believe blended families work because one of the partners always favours their own biological kids over the step children.

My sil makes it very clear that her step children are her husband's children and she introduces them that way. If they come round to visit their dad, she goes out. She made it very clear from day one that she married bil for him not for his kids. I couldn't stand for that personally and would have dumped my partner if he behaved like that.

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Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:08

They arnt really in bed as such at 7.30, but are in thier rooms doing something quiet like reading or watching a bit of tv.
my kids are 13,9 and 8. 13 year old naturally likes to spend time on the phone or I pad ect so is happy upstairs at that point but my other 2 not so much.

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LetitiaLeghorn · 24/06/2022 17:08

It's not that 7.30 is late to go to bed, but it seems late to eat if they're off to bed at 9.

I think its a weird set up, though, to send the children to their room so you can spend time alone together. When do you have time together to bond as a family unit if they're gone every weekend?

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