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Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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MolkosTeenageAngst · 24/06/2022 18:00

Why are you letting him decide what time your kids need to be in their rooms? They’re your children he shouldn’t be dictating that. You need to stand up for your DC and send them up to bed at a time you think suits them, not him. If he wants time alone with you let him have it at the weekend by sending his own son up to bed early.

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ThirtyThreeTrees · 24/06/2022 18:02

In this thread your kids are 8,9 and 13

One DD was 10 in a recent thread.

Another DD was 15/16 in a further thread.

It's all very confusing but you appear to be living with a man who wasn't your children to disappear at 7.30pm to prioritise his 5 year old.

What happens when the baby is born? Are your kids relegated even further? Does his other child slip down the rankings too?

Why everyone doesn't eat together is very strange

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DingDong88 · 24/06/2022 18:07

I don't you should change the weekend arrangement, you should change the weekdays arrangement. Children being sent to bed at 7.30pm when they're over 8...? They can eat dinner with you sensibly at this age.

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Brieandcamembert · 24/06/2022 18:13

I really think all the children should be rating with you. It's quite important for children and adults to eat together to develop social skills around meals.

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Frazzled2207 · 24/06/2022 18:16

whatever you do it should be the same for all kids in terms of eating with the family or not. If he thinks his son deserves special treatment then call him out on it...why?
our kids are 7 (just) and 8. During the week they eat earlier than us and go to bed about 8. I do get the 'wanting grown up time' thing. At weekends we all eat together at 6-7 and they go to bed probably about 9. I think 13 is very old to be sent to bed at 7.30.

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Frazzled2207 · 24/06/2022 18:16

Onesipmore · 24/06/2022 18:00

Not sure this is all entirely true is it OP? To many children with different ages on different threads and it doesn't add up.

oh

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MyneighbourisTotoro · 24/06/2022 18:20

ThirtyThreeTrees · 24/06/2022 18:02

In this thread your kids are 8,9 and 13

One DD was 10 in a recent thread.

Another DD was 15/16 in a further thread.

It's all very confusing but you appear to be living with a man who wasn't your children to disappear at 7.30pm to prioritise his 5 year old.

What happens when the baby is born? Are your kids relegated even further? Does his other child slip down the rankings too?

Why everyone doesn't eat together is very strange

She doesn’t have a thread about a 15/16 years old, that was by a completely different poster.

OP has said 9 year old has recently turned 10, it’s easy to make that mistake.

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Gnusmas · 24/06/2022 18:21

If her dd only moved back with the op could it be because she doesn't get the love & attention from the op? Also, could the emotional & MH issues be linked to being abandoned by the op in favour of the dickhead partner?

There's so many threads on mnet by women who start families quickly with nobheads & abandon their kids emotionally. What's wrong with everyone? Or it's a thread started by an op who is going on about 'my partner this & my partner that' when she's only known him for 5 mins. For fuck sake, everybody's boundaries are skewed and no wonder the next generation of kids are growing up with MH issues.

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Thehop · 24/06/2022 18:22

He prefers his child to yours. Obviously.

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venusandmars · 24/06/2022 18:22

At 8 and above, and with siblings, your dc can chat amongst themselves at mealtimes (actually they could help prepare and clear away their own food). They can go to their room and read or play - at least a bit independently.

The lone 5 year old needs compay at mealtimes, and possible needs more time together in the evenings to help them settle.

I don't think you can have 'one rule' for dc age 5 -13 (soon to be infant - 13).

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Magicandspiders · 24/06/2022 18:23

Your poor kids. Why on earth don't you eat with them?! YABU to eat at a different time from them.

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/06/2022 18:26

MyneighbourisTotoro · 24/06/2022 18:20

She doesn’t have a thread about a 15/16 years old, that was by a completely different poster.

OP has said 9 year old has recently turned 10, it’s easy to make that mistake.

Leftie202 · 12/06/2022 19:04
I have a almost 15 year old, and recently I was really poorly with a tummy bug, couldn’t look after my 1 year old very well, so my partner stayed home from work. He had to, I was really poorly. I would never expect my other child to help when I have a partner that should be doing that.


however, the general laziness I can sympathise with. My teen is mega lazy at times and we fall out about it a lot. So maybe give her a list of chores that are expected of her every week and she can make plans around them. But yeah I think you were harsh, your partner should have stayed home for 1 day to help if you were that I’ll.

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RepublicOfNarnia · 24/06/2022 18:28

I know this isn't helpful but before you got with this man did you not see how the whole thing was a giant brewing shit storm or did you think love would plaster over the cracks? This whole set up is unfathomable to me and the bedtime debacle isn't even close to the biggest issue.

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lanthanum · 24/06/2022 18:30

I noticed that families with only one child almost always eat together, and families with more often feed the children earlier during the week, especially if dad is late home. So in that sense you fit the pattern.

However it's unreasonable to expect your children all to be out of the way by 7.30, and that's going to become a bigger and bigger issue. If he wants couple-time 4/5 nights a week, he needs to find someone without kids (or with kids on the same nights as his). Couples with pre-teens usually have to find a babysitter if they want couple-time.

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Bordesleyhills · 24/06/2022 18:30

All the kids eat together then bed at whatever time you think suitable . Then you have some evening

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Easilystartled · 24/06/2022 18:32

I don’t think it’s nice for any of the kids to eat separately, but at least your three have each other for company. The 5yr old can’t be expected to eat alone? Also, weekends are different to weekdays, kids don’t need to be in bed so early. During holidays all kids are treated the same. So there doesn’t seem to be any deliberate unfairness.

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BluebellField · 24/06/2022 18:34

Maybe your DP is not liking the idea of his DS eating alone? Your kids get to eat together but if his DS was to eat earlier then he would be alone.

Whether that's the reason or not, I agree with you that it doesn't seem right. 7:30 seems too late in the week for your kids to eat dinner when your DP is home though so I definitely think you should eat with them sometimes.

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MyneighbourisTotoro · 24/06/2022 18:37

@ZeroFuchsGiven I can’t see that at all, all I see is a thread made by mum2teen (or something like that) about a 15 year old being lazy.
Was OP not just quoting/replying to the OP in that thread?

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Anothernamechangeplease · 24/06/2022 18:38

Personally, I think it's ridiculous and quite weird that any of the children eat separately - why not just all eat together as a family? I hate that "us and them" style of parenting as it goes contrary to everything I think it's important about family life.

That said, I voted yanbu because you're absolutely right that there should be no double standards for your dc and his. All of the children should eat with you or none of them should eat with you. How on earth does he justify wanting to pack your kids off to bed/out of the way if he isn't going to apply the same rule to his son? Your kids must feel really unwanted in their own home!Sad

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Olive19741205 · 24/06/2022 18:39

One DD was 10 in a recent thread
Another DD was 15/16 in a further thread

That was a thread by a different OP.

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HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease · 24/06/2022 18:40

Westfacing · 24/06/2022 17:39

I feel sad for all the kids - your three basically banished for the evening; and you want your 5-year old stepson to eat on his own.

I agree.
Sad there are no regular family meal times with the children.

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Kanaloa · 24/06/2022 18:41

SurfBox · 24/06/2022 17:49

Get rid of the partner and start giving your children the respect they deserve as your children. Just why would you put up with us

Why is this advise dished out so quickly about every row/disagreement in a relationship on mn>? Everybody here must have very high standards.

A man being able to tolerate your children isn’t high standards. I think everyone on here has ridiculously low standards actually. Would you really accept a man telling you he likes your teenager to be in bed by 730 when he arrives home from work and force your kids to sit in their rooms unhappy so you could have ‘adult time’ with him?

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Mally100 · 24/06/2022 18:41

Another woman putting a man before her kids. You are allowing your kids to be treated very unfairly, making your much older kids eat and sleep early so you get time with your man.

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washingwakeup · 24/06/2022 18:42

Olive19741205 · 24/06/2022 18:39

One DD was 10 in a recent thread
Another DD was 15/16 in a further thread

That was a thread by a different OP.

A different OP started it, but this OP replied on it saying she had an almost 15yo and a 1yo.

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/06/2022 18:42

Olive19741205 · 24/06/2022 18:39

One DD was 10 in a recent thread
Another DD was 15/16 in a further thread

That was a thread by a different OP.

This op commented on the other thread she had a 15yo and 1yo.

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