Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

OP posts:
Report
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Kanaloa · 27/06/2022 11:59

Well I suppose they would know they’re not wanted. Nobody of any age wants to sit somewhere they know people don’t want them.

Please
or
to access all these features

honestogod · 27/06/2022 18:05

I am also surprised by responses. My 9 and 7 year olds go up at 7.30, read for a bit and then fall asleep around 8. They wake up around 6.30 / 7.00 and we chill a bit in the mornings. To be fair I'm always in bed by 9....

Please
or
to access all these features

user1471538283 · 27/06/2022 18:18

Good god you sent your DC upstairs every night they are with you?

Surely you eat together?!

Please
or
to access all these features

RitaConnors · 27/06/2022 18:25

honestogod · 27/06/2022 18:05

I am also surprised by responses. My 9 and 7 year olds go up at 7.30, read for a bit and then fall asleep around 8. They wake up around 6.30 / 7.00 and we chill a bit in the mornings. To be fair I'm always in bed by 9....

What about your thirteen year old? A child who is at secondary school. Does he go to bed at 7.30?

Please
or
to access all these features

GrazingSheep · 27/06/2022 19:02

I am also surprised by responses. My 9 and 7 year olds go up at 7.30, read for a bit and then fall asleep around 8. They wake up around 6.30 / 7.00 and we chill a bit in the mornings. To be fair I'm always in bed by 9....

Do you have a new partner who has moved in with your family? And who wants your children out of sight when he comes In?

Please
or
to access all these features

Anothernamechangeplease · 27/06/2022 19:17

Why do posters keep comparing the OP's 13yo to their 4yos, 7yos and 9yos? Is there no recognition that these are very different ages and stages.

FWIW, my dd never went to bed as early as 7.30pm even when she was 4, but for a 13yo, that's frankly ridiculous. At that age, they aren't actually going to bed, they're just being cleared out of the way so that they don't interfere with their parents' evening. Not the kind of family life that I would ever have wanted to create.

Please
or
to access all these features

RampantIvy · 27/06/2022 19:35

I agree with you @Anothernamechangeplease. My DD was never a 12 hour sleeper, even as a baby. When DD was younger she only went to her room if she wanted to, not because we wanted her out of the way.

Please
or
to access all these features

RitaConnors · 27/06/2022 19:46

Why do posters keep comparing the OP's 13yo to their 4yos, 7yos and 9yos? Is there no recognition that these are very different ages and stages.

Exactly. A thirteen year old is moth like a 7 and a nine year old. It's a ridiculous comparison.

Please
or
to access all these features

wellhelloitsme · 27/06/2022 20:12

Anothernamechangeplease · 27/06/2022 19:17

Why do posters keep comparing the OP's 13yo to their 4yos, 7yos and 9yos? Is there no recognition that these are very different ages and stages.

FWIW, my dd never went to bed as early as 7.30pm even when she was 4, but for a 13yo, that's frankly ridiculous. At that age, they aren't actually going to bed, they're just being cleared out of the way so that they don't interfere with their parents' evening. Not the kind of family life that I would ever have wanted to create.

Absolutely this.

And at the request of their mum's boyfriend.

If she wasn't with him then she wouldn't cart them off to their rooms at that time - she said it's specifically because he thinks they should have 'adult time' each evening.

These poor kids, especially the 13 year old.

All those quality hours of chilling together as a family missed out on in favour of their mum having 'adult time' on demand with a schedule dictated by her boyfriend.

It's really sad.

Please
or
to access all these features

RainCoffeeBook · 27/06/2022 20:20

You could all eat together like an actual family and not be chucking your kids in their rooms because your crappy partner says so? You honestly allow a man in your home who wants your children out of the way? And you didn't show him the door?

Those poor bloody kids, stuck in their rooms because mum's boyfriend takes priority.

Please
or
to access all these features

Seaweed42 · 28/06/2022 11:01

How did it go OP? Did you manage to take a stand with your DH?

Please
or
to access all these features

DaddysTrying · 28/06/2022 21:15

You are being unreasonable. It seems you have your children during the week, presumably during the school week. Your children are school aged, his is not. That would make a big difference in bed times. Second, you seem to be primary caretaker of your children meaning you set rules for your children that their father presumably abides by when they are with him. Wouldn't it make sense that he needs to provide that same type of continuity for his child? Should his child have different rules at dads than at home? Third, you have 3 children. When they eat they have companionship amongst each other. Is his child supposed to eat alone when at dads everyday? You are being selfish and unreasonable.

Please
or
to access all these features

sm506156 · 28/06/2022 22:40

The message says that your kids are not as important as his kid is. What you need to do is just give them a snack at that time then and then all 6 of you have dinner at 7:30 when his kid is there and all the kids go to bed at the same time. Then tell your partner that is how it is going to be from now on. No more eating separately and no more different rules for different kids. If he doesn't like it then show him the door. That is just my opinion.

Please
or
to access all these features

Quartz2208 · 29/06/2022 07:22

DaddysTrying · 28/06/2022 21:15

You are being unreasonable. It seems you have your children during the week, presumably during the school week. Your children are school aged, his is not. That would make a big difference in bed times. Second, you seem to be primary caretaker of your children meaning you set rules for your children that their father presumably abides by when they are with him. Wouldn't it make sense that he needs to provide that same type of continuity for his child? Should his child have different rules at dads than at home? Third, you have 3 children. When they eat they have companionship amongst each other. Is his child supposed to eat alone when at dads everyday? You are being selfish and unreasonable.

First off his child is 5 so school age

Then I agree bedtimes - but a 13 year old at that time really?
She doesnt appear to be the primary carer (very much split)

So I expect you havent read it at all and simply want to be on the mans side

Your username is telling

Please
or
to access all these features

ApricotSuite · 29/06/2022 07:48

Is his child supposed to eat alone when at dads everyday?

No , she wants her dc to eat with the adults.

And the five year old shouldn't be going to bed at 9.30 then going to school the next day if the thirteen year old has to be in bed by 7.30.

Please
or
to access all these features

Bikerchick69 · 29/06/2022 21:54

Did I read this wrong or are you all actually recommending the 5 year old eat alone??? There are 3 of her kids that are all old enough to eat unsupervised. They have each other to go off to bed with as well. To me there lies his logic. Plus weekends have different time schedules as there's no school so I think mom's being a bit hypersensitive. Or like I said, maybe I misread, if so my bad

Please
or
to access all these features

NRRK28 · 29/06/2022 22:08

Change your partner. He is not ginna be a good dad for your children. Its really a red flag for me

Please
or
to access all these features

GrazingSheep · 29/06/2022 22:56

Or like I said, maybe I misread, if so my bad

You did. The salient point is that the op’s 3 children are not wanted by her boyfriend.
They have to go to their bedroom when he comes in at 7.30 each evening.

Please
or
to access all these features

Bikerchick69 · 29/06/2022 23:27

No I reread. Just don't agree. I just think he feels the solo 5 yr old on weekend time is a different situation , & it is. Everything's gonna blow up for that kid once this baby comes so maybe he's overcompensating a bit but it's not coming from a bad place. The other kids know what it is to have siblings, he's probably just trying to prevent his son from feeling "replaced". This guy took on 3 kids that aren't his. Go ahead, kick him to the curb, pregnant no less, & see how long it takes to find another one willing to jump on that wagon. One that makes personal time for you all week on top of it. Good luck

Please
or
to access all these features

Bikerchick69 · 29/06/2022 23:31

Ahhh there's the man hating we all know & love. Not.

Please
or
to access all these features

Autumnterm · 30/06/2022 13:04

I kind of saw the logic in terms of weekends = no school = later bedtime UNTIL I got to the bit about the holidays. On that logic, they should all be staying up later and eating with you during the holidays, but they aren’t.

Please
or
to access all these features

Autumnterm · 30/06/2022 13:06

Bikerchick69 · 29/06/2022 21:54

Did I read this wrong or are you all actually recommending the 5 year old eat alone??? There are 3 of her kids that are all old enough to eat unsupervised. They have each other to go off to bed with as well. To me there lies his logic. Plus weekends have different time schedules as there's no school so I think mom's being a bit hypersensitive. Or like I said, maybe I misread, if so my bad

What exactly is wrong with that? Most five year olds who are only children eat on their own (albeit with an adult sitting with them to supervise and keep them company). We are not talking about throwing bread and gruel down to a five year old kept in a dungeon here.

Please
or
to access all these features

Popcorn77 · 30/06/2022 13:11

namechange30455 · 24/06/2022 16:40

I think you can reasonably have a different rule for weekdays and weekends. Do you never have your DC at the weekend, and he always has his?

I don't think you're unreasonable to raise it. Could you all eat earlier at weekends and then DC goes to bed at 7:30?

I was thinking weekends and week are different and also he is at work so he wants to see his kid so having dinner makes sense. Also once you have started you cant go backwards so with the fri to mon no change can be made. Although if you want adult time you could eat just all eat a bit earlier & ease the whole evening forward so you get time at 830 to sit down and chill together:

with your kids that seems v early for bed. You have them from school I assume? So maybe are ready for a break/have spent plenty of time with them and they are happy to chill?? Decide on own merits - they seem to young to be in bed by 730 and don’t seem to have much chance to relationship build with your partner.

also seems you could schedule it better so kids build up relationships with each other more? And maybe you both got a night alone once a week - that would solve some of the issue?

Please
or
to access all these features

PleasantBirthday · 30/06/2022 13:41

Autumnterm · 30/06/2022 13:06

What exactly is wrong with that? Most five year olds who are only children eat on their own (albeit with an adult sitting with them to supervise and keep them company). We are not talking about throwing bread and gruel down to a five year old kept in a dungeon here.

They do what? Why would that happen? I've an only child who is now 7 and she has never had her dinner alone with someone supervising. She has family dinners like a normal human being.

Please
or
to access all these features

Popcorn77 · 30/06/2022 13:44

Ouchmytoe100 · 25/06/2022 11:08

Why do so many British parents eat separately to their children? At different times and often even different meals? I cant get my head around this.

Work schedules? Clubs…. Not thinking its that important? Me and my kids and oh often all eat separately & often different food. I don’t see why food needs to be “a thing” we all have plenty of chats and family time and reading together and games and walks…

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?