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AIBU?

Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

washingwakeup · 24/06/2022 21:01

Withdrawn at poster's request

Hi @Ella100

Please start your own thread. You'll get more advice that way Flowers

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Ella100 · 24/06/2022 21:04

Hi so sorry, I didn’t mean to post on your thread. How can I delete this please? Thank you x

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washingwakeup · 24/06/2022 21:06

Ella100 · 24/06/2022 21:04

Hi so sorry, I didn’t mean to post on your thread. How can I delete this please? Thank you x

If you're on the app, swipe on your post and select 'report'. Ask MN to delete.

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greatblueheron · 24/06/2022 21:20

If I were you, I couldn't stay with him. He clearly thinks his son 'counts' more than yours.

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NoddyMcdoddy · 24/06/2022 21:21

washingwakeup · 24/06/2022 20:52

@NoddyMcdoddy

No, this OP said it. Read it again in the context of the actual original post on that thread.

This OP claimed to have an almost 15yo and a 1 yo. The thread OP had an almost 16yo and a "toddler".

Either we're not getting the full story or we're getting played.

Oh yes I see that now, I presumed it was quote of another poster but actually does now appear the OP of this thread did in fact say she has a 15 yr old and 1yr old.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2022 21:24

mam0918 · 24/06/2022 19:43

People are acting bizaarely... 8pm is a perfectly normal and acceptible bed time for an 8 year old and older too.

Are people here really trying to make out that on school nights your 8 year old kids are up past that as if they are adults?

Even our teen is in his room by then, its out time to unwind after a long busy day... theres plenty of DAY time for family time, they dont need to be up past the water shed listening to our work stories, watching inappropriate tv and struggling to get up for school because they're knacked.

A lot of parents here must be the kind that let their primary school kids watch GOT and Squid games etc...

The problem OP has is inequality not a pefectly normal bedtime routine.

It is not normal to insist children go to their rooms at 7.30 and 8pm is not a normal bedtime for teens. Teens average 8-10 hours, some less due to gene mutation, some more. If one of my family members even as a primary school child went to bed at 8 they’d have been up by 3am.

My teen dd goes to sleep sometimes at 8.30, other times at 11 and always gets up for school. She is very good at self regulation. One size does not fit all. And she isn’t watching squid games either btw.

Op please advocate for your children.

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Kennykenkencat · 24/06/2022 21:55

What fun times do you have with your kids. Surely you can’t just do the grunt work then send them off to their dads at weekends.
They will look back and only remember the fun times with their dad.
If your Dh won’t shift dinner time for his own son, probably because he wants to spend time with him) then it is up to you to shift dinner time with your own children.

Why on earth did you keep these rules no matter what their age.

What happens when your children do activities/clubs in the evening.

Dont you worry that your eldest is on her phone so much because she hasn’t anything better to do and this is all the younger ones can look forward to.

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lunar1 · 24/06/2022 22:01

You have a 13 year old eating at 5.30 and sent to his room by 7.30 because a fucking man says you should.

What a life your children have, is the wanker worth it?

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Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 24/06/2022 22:04

He’s a bit of a arsehole to your children.

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Happyhappyday · 24/06/2022 22:07

I think it’s weird to not eat as a family personally so I think YABU, he also wants time with his kid. If you said the same for your kids and he said no then I think he’d be unreasonable but Tbh I think eating separately is sad.

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Kennykenkencat · 24/06/2022 22:08

mam0918 · 24/06/2022 19:43

People are acting bizaarely... 8pm is a perfectly normal and acceptible bed time for an 8 year old and older too.

Are people here really trying to make out that on school nights your 8 year old kids are up past that as if they are adults?

Even our teen is in his room by then, its out time to unwind after a long busy day... theres plenty of DAY time for family time, they dont need to be up past the water shed listening to our work stories, watching inappropriate tv and struggling to get up for school because they're knacked.

A lot of parents here must be the kind that let their primary school kids watch GOT and Squid games etc...

The problem OP has is inequality not a pefectly normal bedtime routine.

I don’t think my 2 ever went to bed before 8pm. Even as babies they were up till I went to bed.
At 8 years old they would go straight from school to activities.
As for the teen stuck inside on her phone . Dd and Ds as teens were out doing their activities until 9.50pm most nights, certainly never got home till 9pm at the earliest. I don’t think the tv was put on from one week to the next.

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Lalliella · 24/06/2022 22:14

The whole family should eat together. Family mealtimes are really important. I’ve voted YABU for that reason.

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Wheresthebeach · 24/06/2022 23:27

lunar1 · 24/06/2022 22:01

You have a 13 year old eating at 5.30 and sent to his room by 7.30 because a fucking man says you should.

What a life your children have, is the wanker worth it?

Fuck me OP I can’t quite believe you think this is okay. Spend time proper time with your kids. This man is treating them like an inconvenience. They know, they feel, they should be more important to you

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SmartCarDriver · 25/06/2022 05:37

Lalliella · 24/06/2022 22:14

The whole family should eat together. Family mealtimes are really important. I’ve voted YABU for that reason.

This

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Gnusmas · 25/06/2022 06:57

There's no sign of the OP @Leftie202 since the thread didn't go her way.

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Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 06:58

Op won’t be back

On basis of other threads she has started and posted on - this thread is full of holes and more FICTION than fact

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Thinkingblonde · 25/06/2022 07:49

Your youngest is eight and all three of your children are in bed by 7.30? Or if not asleep, they are in their bedroom out of his sight. Yet his son is allowed stay up beyond this time.. why are you allowing this.? I think the five year needs to be in bed by 7.30, even on weekends. Put your foot down and advocate for your children, they are part i you, you come as a package. DP hardly spends any time with your children. Does he realise 7.30 bedtime is going to change as the children grow older? Good luck with getting a 12 year old to bed at 7.30. For example.

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Sova · 25/06/2022 08:04

Family meals are really important to me so I would just get them in pyjamas earlier and do bath etc earlier and all eat together. Also I wouldn’t fancy eating in front of tv or cooking two meals. I’d eat together, get the kids to help out. Can still enjoy tv time with partner after.

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Whatifitallgoesright · 25/06/2022 08:21

It's a shame you don't get weekends with your kids, you're not getting time to hang out with them. Surely one weekend a month is feasible?

Still maybe your weekends are spent doing a hobby, seeing friends because I would certainly be resenting looking after my partner's kid. Hope he steps up on this account and you get your choice at weekends like he does during the week?

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 08:37

mam0918 · 24/06/2022 19:43

People are acting bizaarely... 8pm is a perfectly normal and acceptible bed time for an 8 year old and older too.

Are people here really trying to make out that on school nights your 8 year old kids are up past that as if they are adults?

Even our teen is in his room by then, its out time to unwind after a long busy day... theres plenty of DAY time for family time, they dont need to be up past the water shed listening to our work stories, watching inappropriate tv and struggling to get up for school because they're knacked.

A lot of parents here must be the kind that let their primary school kids watch GOT and Squid games etc...

The problem OP has is inequality not a pefectly normal bedtime routine.

What a silly post.
There isn't plenty of day time for the family to be together here. If both parents work full time, they eat their tea separately and the DC go to their dad's at the weekend when exactly do the whole family get to spend any time together?

We have always eaten together as a family for the main meal. I am not a restaurant and won't cook separate meals. Banishing the DC to their rooms by 8.00 every night seems rather off to me. They aren't toddlers. If they choose to go to their rooms because they want to that is different.

When DD is home (she is now a student) we often watch something on TV together as a family.

You must have very tired children who will go to sleep at 7.30. DD was never ready to go to sleep at that time as a small child.

Your point about allowing young children to watch inappropriate TV is just a hysterical over reaction. Just because children might stay up past 8.00 doesn't mean that the parents will put these types of programmes on TV. As a teenager DD often preferred to stay downstairs to do her homework rather than isolate in her bedroom.

8.00 is not a perfectly normal bedtime routine for most families with children of 8 and older.

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Leftie202 · 25/06/2022 09:29

Ok, so From Monday, I will be eating with my kids, dp can have his when he comes in, and my kids are not being sent upstairs before 8. If he doesn’t like it, well I’ll have to deal with that when it comes.

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LateAF · 25/06/2022 09:45

Leftie202 · 25/06/2022 09:29

Ok, so From Monday, I will be eating with my kids, dp can have his when he comes in, and my kids are not being sent upstairs before 8. If he doesn’t like it, well I’ll have to deal with that when it comes.

I’m glad to see this update OP. It’s not as simple as just eating with the kids. It’s engaging them, finding out what makes them laugh, making them comfortable enough to talk about their day and seeming interested in those mundanities, playing on their favourite games with them, having a girly night with your daughters painting nails and doing facemasks. You have a lot to catch up on.

During lockdowns our family got in the bad habit of keeping the TV on while kids were eating dinner so we could catch up on work. This list of conversations starters for kids really helped our dinner times become a joy again, and we were able to reconnect. The kids love picking a question out of the hat initially, and now we don’t need the list as we have natural, enjoyable conversation www.anxioustoddlers.com/family-dinner/#.YrbIpPfTUlT

I suspect you will need the prompt initially since your children won’t be used to you engaging them, or spending time with each other.

But remember to bring your best self to the dinner table every night - pretend you’re going to a girls night party, or act how you would act with a new boyfriend you’re trying to impress. Don’t tell them off for table manners yet, only impose serious rules like asking to be excused and no fighting at the table. Focus on making meal times together fun and gaining their trust again, and once that is down you can teach the manners.

You can also put some music on and get them to help you prepare the meals - I would choose one child each time to help you cook so that they each get one-on-one time with you at least once a week. And they all help you clear away after tea.

Best of luck.

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HokeyK0key · 25/06/2022 11:05

People are acting bizaarely... 8pm is a perfectly normal and acceptible bed time for an 8 year old and older too.

Are people here really trying to make out that on school nights your 8 year old kids are up past that as if they are adults?

Even our teen is in his room by then, its out time to unwind after a long busy day... theres plenty of DAY time for family time, they dont need to be up past the water shed listening to our work stories, watching inappropriate tv and struggling to get up for school because they're knacked
.

A lot of parents here must be the kind that let their primary school kids watch GOT and Squid games etc...

Past the watershed? It's not 1995. Who watches live tv?

And lots of people aren't glued to inappropriate TV after 8pm. There are other things to do with your children. I put it to you that it is you @mam0918 that's a bit of a rubbish parent who can't wait to get your telly on not the rest of us.

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Ouchmytoe100 · 25/06/2022 11:08

Why do so many British parents eat separately to their children? At different times and often even different meals? I cant get my head around this.

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 12:28

Ouchmytoe100 · 25/06/2022 11:08

Why do so many British parents eat separately to their children? At different times and often even different meals? I cant get my head around this.

Neither can I.

When my sister and I were little we used to have a bath and be ready for bed when my dad came home from work at 7pm. Then we would have our evening meal together.

DH, DD and I have always eaten together as a family as well. I made the same meal for all of us.

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