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AIBU?

Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 15:01

Ouchmytoe100 · 25/06/2022 11:08

Why do so many British parents eat separately to their children? At different times and often even different meals? I cant get my head around this.

I can’t get my head around sitting down at 5.30pm latest to a bowl of tomato and meatball pasta with some steamed broccoli after a very hectic day at school, which is incredibly sporty. And precisely when and what they feel like. Meanwhile I have been desk bound

just as my children probably can’t get head around wanting to sit down at 8pm after you have done post work chores and hung up the laundry to a very spicy vegetable curry. Because I am a vegetarian and love spice and they aren’t either.

so we eat together a couple of times a week and at the weekends but more often than not during the week - we don’t because of preference on both sides AND logistics

That clear enough?

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maddening · 25/06/2022 15:06

Can you not push to have your dc every other weekend? If dh is more relaxed at the weekend it would be nice for you to have the dc for relaxed time rather than always being there in the busy week. Especially as they are at school you never get that quality time.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 25/06/2022 15:16

Leftie202 · 25/06/2022 09:29

Ok, so From Monday, I will be eating with my kids, dp can have his when he comes in, and my kids are not being sent upstairs before 8. If he doesn’t like it, well I’ll have to deal with that when it comes.

That is a good start. Eight is still really early so I’d be looking at pushing that back as your 8 and 9 yo get older. I also would not have this in stone. Your 13 yo may want to be downstairs sometimes. Your dcs are only with you one extra day than his ds so why aren’t you insisting on this for him, especially on the school night?

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JellyBellyNelly · 25/06/2022 15:47

I really do wonder about women who let these things happen to their children in the first place. Just why would you even let it start in the first place? Is having a man in your life really so important that you allow your children to be banished to their rooms for the convenience of a bedmate?

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 17:23

I can’t get my head around sitting down at 5.30pm latest to a bowl of tomato and meatball pasta with some steamed broccoli

Neither can I. That is too early for us as well. We have always eaten at around 6.30 - 7.00 even when DD was quite small. It worked for us.

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RepublicOfNarnia · 25/06/2022 17:37

I don't think we've ever eaten dinner at home before 7:30/8pm. I always find it amazing people can be fed and watered by 5:30pm

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 17:40

RepublicOfNarnia · 25/06/2022 17:37

I don't think we've ever eaten dinner at home before 7:30/8pm. I always find it amazing people can be fed and watered by 5:30pm

Maybe they skip lunch?
If I eat at lunchtime I am never hungry before 6 at the earliest.

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Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 18:22

RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 17:40

Maybe they skip lunch?
If I eat at lunchtime I am never hungry before 6 at the earliest.

I love my lunch and sees me through work and then getting home and housework / homework / cooking etc

single parent.

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Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 18:24

@RampantIvy

out of interest, how old are your children? And what time do you and or your partner get back from work?

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Ohthatsexciting · 25/06/2022 18:25

Sorry my last post was for @Ouchmytoe100

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 18:27

DD is 21 and a student, but she always ate with us from being small. DH and I both WFH. I am part time so have plenty of time to cook. In our house the cook doesn't wash up, and I prefer to cook, so DH always washes up.

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 18:28

Just seen your second post @Ohthatsexciting. Never mind Grin

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AmberMcAmber · 25/06/2022 18:54

He’s being a dick it’s favouritism - I’d just dish up his kids dinner early or serve your kids at same time as you… if he says anything you can tell him he’s being ridiculous

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threatmatrix · 25/06/2022 19:13

It’s not early at all children need 12 hours sleep. The thing is if he doesn’t eat with you he’s eating on his own which isn’t very nice.

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RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 19:15

threatmatrix · 25/06/2022 19:13

It’s not early at all children need 12 hours sleep. The thing is if he doesn’t eat with you he’s eating on his own which isn’t very nice.

DD would never sleep for 12 hours.

You are talking rubbish.

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carbay · 25/06/2022 19:28

But in a previous thread OP says that her eldest child lived with the ex and only stayed with her at weekends, which makes this whole thread irrelevant.

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Solonge · 25/06/2022 19:36

Of course he is being totally unreasonable!!!! his child is younger than yours but gets to eat with you and goes to bed late for a young child...but the rule is your kids eat early and then go to bed early.... I would suggest you ask him to explain to you in fine detail how he thinks this is ok......there is no logic here at all. Why does he get to make a rule in your house? frankly I can see why his last partner is no longer with him.

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Solonge · 25/06/2022 19:38

Ridiculous. Most of us have one child at a time. We feed them earlier than we eat...when they are one, two, three etc...our kids started eating with us around the age of 12 as my husband was a GP and didnt get in till 7.30... A five year old can perfectly well eat his meal at a table whilst his parents sit with him and chat.

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Solonge · 25/06/2022 19:40

You said you both work full time...then that you work part time... if you or your partner not in till after 7 its not great for a child of primary age to stay up late to eat.

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Solonge · 25/06/2022 19:43

I dont think its a case of 'can you not push' this man does not come with permission to write the rules of the house. There are two adults here...both have children....neither have a God given right to tell the other partner what they must do with their own kids.

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Grrrrdarling · 25/06/2022 19:52

Raspberryjam22 · 24/06/2022 16:38

Your youngest is 8 so how old are your other 2 ? 7.30 seems early for bed at that age .

I don’t think 7.30 is early for bed at all. I think it is a pretty good bedtime.
My 10yr old is in bed for 7.30/8pm on a weekday then she reads until about 9pm. She often falls asleep in her book within half hour of going to end though Beckie she is tired. She is up at 6.30am to get ready for school so that is the time she needs to be in bed for so she can have a good nights sleep.
Weekends are a bit more relaxed. We tend to eat a little later & watch a movie so bedtime can be 10/10.30/11pm on the Friday & Saturday depending on what we choose to do. She also only sees her step dad on a weekend as we don’t live together so weekends run a bit differently to weekdays in our house.

I suppose bedtimes depend on how family time works & how much sleep the child needs.
I was always in bed by 7.30/8pm on a week night so it isn’t unusual for me.

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WhereIsVillanelleWhenNeeded · 25/06/2022 19:58

Mariposista · 24/06/2022 17:36

Families should eat together. Its a great time to catch up and bond over how the day has gone.

👆👆👆This! 👆👆👆

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AllyCatTown · 25/06/2022 20:00

While I see your point I also think 3 children eating together is better than a child on his own. Though I’m not familiar with separating out parents and children like this. We all ate as a family.

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Happyher · 25/06/2022 20:01

Maybe he just wants to spend as much time as possible with his DS. He sees him less than you see yours. I don’t think everything can be the same for all 3.

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JaneInTheJungle · 25/06/2022 20:08

Happyher · 25/06/2022 20:01

Maybe he just wants to spend as much time as possible with his DS. He sees him less than you see yours. I don’t think everything can be the same for all 3.

Does he?

OP says that her dc are there four nights (M-T) and do's son is there three nights (F-Sunday).

Two of these days are weekends and the ds doesn't go to bed until 9ish. So let's say twelve hours each day so 24 hours and after school Friday so five fours there.

OPs dc. From say 4pm after school 7.30 deadline.

3 and a half hours four days a week.

14 hours for OPs dc.
29 for her dp's ds.

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