Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

wellhelloitsme · 25/06/2022 20:10

threatmatrix · 25/06/2022 19:13

It’s not early at all children need 12 hours sleep. The thing is if he doesn’t eat with you he’s eating on his own which isn’t very nice.

According to The Sleep Charity that is is completely false other than for toddlers. I've no idea where you've got 12 hours from for older kids, especially for you to state it as fact. Some may need 12 hours obviously but it's very unusual beyond toddler years.

Here's their guide below. Bear in mind OP's youngest is 8, another is 10 and another is a teen...

While there is no hard and fast rule, the general guide is:
toddlers need around 12 hours of sleep a night
children aged three to six – 10-12 hours
seven-12 years olds – 10-11 hours
teenagers – around eight to nine hours.

Please
or
to access all these features

PinkSyCo · 25/06/2022 20:11

I don’t think 7.30 is too early a bedtime for 8/9 year olds on a school nights night, but I think banishing your 13 year old to his room at the same time is extremely harsh. He should have the option of eating later with you and being able to roam his home to his hearts content until his later bedtime. I also don’t think that allowing your DSS to eat with you and have a later bedtime at the weekend is wrong, so long as your children are afforded the same privilege during school holidays.

Please
or
to access all these features

mimifv · 25/06/2022 21:06

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

you have 3 kids there’s 1 of him..might feel lonely

Please
or
to access all these features

User56785 · 25/06/2022 21:09

you have 3 kids there’s 1 of him..might feel lonely

Confused why would he feel lonely? The op isn't suggesting the boy eats alone. She's suggesting the other dc also eat as a family.

Please
or
to access all these features

Sheerdetermination · 25/06/2022 21:44

“We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.“
Weekday evenings are the only time you get with your children, would be another way to look at this. You must put your children first. Your DP does not have their best interests at heart.

Please
or
to access all these features

LuaDipa · 25/06/2022 21:52

JellyBellyNelly · 25/06/2022 15:47

I really do wonder about women who let these things happen to their children in the first place. Just why would you even let it start in the first place? Is having a man in your life really so important that you allow your children to be banished to their rooms for the convenience of a bedmate?

I’m sorry op but I agree with this. Please have a long hard look about why you allowed your dp’s rules to be implemented in the first place when they are so unfair and biased towards your own dc. If he doesn’t want to live with 3 dc then you shouldn’t be with him.

Please
or
to access all these features

Somethingneedstochange · 25/06/2022 21:53

At 5 it's a bit much to be expecting him to eat alone. I've always thought it was odd parents eating separately to the children. I always sat down with them to eat including when step daughter was staying with us. I would plate up exh tea up and warm it up in the microwave when he got home. He didn't expect me to wait to eat. He was often late home as was self employed. He's his dad he will obviously want to spend time with him. Does it really matter if he's not in bed by 7.30 at the weekends?

Please
or
to access all these features

Sparklesandlove · 25/06/2022 22:23

All the children need quality time with you both at mealtimes, this is when you share things, what’s going on in their world, worries, bullying, happy thoughts and time to bond with you both. Your other half needs educating on this IMO, It’s quality vital time that you can never get back, and should be about the children. One to one time with your other half can be a date night one night at weekend .

Please
or
to access all these features

Gnusmas · 25/06/2022 22:37

Now she's bringing another kid into this dysfunctional arrangement.

Please
or
to access all these features

marktayloruk · 25/06/2022 22:42

I don't believe in sending children to bed anyway. You and your partner. Have enough time together there and 13-year-olds should be out with their mates on.Saturday nights

Please
or
to access all these features

Mfsf · 25/06/2022 22:46

I think he probably wants to spend more time with his since he has him less time ? Do you think it might be that ?

Please
or
to access all these features

Mfsf · 25/06/2022 22:48

And I think eating as a family is the norm . Maybe you can all change that rule and actually eat together every day ?

Please
or
to access all these features

Lily4444 · 25/06/2022 22:50

personally I think it’s great your step son eat with out and I think your children should actually be eating with you both. It’s actually really important for kids to eat with their parents as 1)it’s one of the rare times during the week they actually get to spend with you around school and activities and 2) children model your eating behaviour- in my experience kids that eat on their own you can always tell because they don’t cut their food up into manageable bites/ don’t use a knife and fork properly/lack table manners

Please
or
to access all these features

StarDolphins · 25/06/2022 22:59

Your poor kids!! 8 years old & sent to bed at 7.30 while golden child gets to stay up & eat with the family. Why are you pleasing him so much!

he just doesn’t like the company of your kids, that’s the crux.

Please
or
to access all these features

celticprincess · 25/06/2022 23:02

I’ve never done separate dinner times. We all eat together around 5pm, later on my work days as I don’t pick youngest up from school til 5 so we eat when we get home. Mine are 9&12 and have a 8:30 lights out - apparently I’m mean for that but my eldest can’t cope any later and is a nightmare to get up on a morning. She has to be up for 7. I take my youngest to school club for 7:30am on my work days. Weekends are a bit different as we do eat later, we eat about 7:30/8pm as we go to church on a Saturday night so we tend to snack about 4 and then eat properly later. Sundays is back to a
5/5:30pm ish tea so we can sort baths/showers/hair washing. Mondays we all eat so we can be back out for Brownies/Guides from 6pm. We did used to do other activities on other evenings but don’t anymore.

Mine tend to automatically take themselves up to their rooms after dinner though to chill out. Or stick headphones on and sit downstairs next to me.

The only times my kids ever ate early would be when they were really tiny and weren’t eating the same meal as me.

Please
or
to access all these features

celticprincess · 25/06/2022 23:15

RampantIvy · 25/06/2022 17:23

I can’t get my head around sitting down at 5.30pm latest to a bowl of tomato and meatball pasta with some steamed broccoli

Neither can I. That is too early for us as well. We have always eaten at around 6.30 - 7.00 even when DD was quite small. It worked for us.

I can’t get my head round people that eat 7:30/8pm. I’m starving myself by 5pm. My lunch at work can often be 11:45 if I’m on first lunch or 12:30 on late lunch (teacher) and I only have a small lunch like a small ready meal. If I eat too late I can’t sleep. And my kids eat the same as I do.
Single parent. Don’t want to spend time cooking a
meal for my kids, washing up, sorting them to bed and then cooking another different meal for myself and sorting the washing up again.

Please
or
to access all these features

Motb2019 · 26/06/2022 00:17

Your partner is avoiding having a relationship with your children while prioritising his son.

That's no surprise. But you need to call him out on it and make sure you are prioritising your children too.

They should not be banished to their rooms every night just because it suits your partner. Encourage them to sit with you both at the table and have a snack and a chat with you and your partner, while you eat dinner. Watch a bit of television with them together, or read a book as a family before they go to their rooms.

You can have your "adult time" from 9pm. If your partner doesn't like it, it might be because you've let him get away with pretending that your children don't exist for far too long.

Please
or
to access all these features

DeeCeeCherry · 26/06/2022 00:29

My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8

He's not interested in your DCs and you know it. So do they. They're not babies. If you dont put a stop to this unkind arrangement now, you'll be weeping in later years when your DCs dont want to know you.

Any more children you have with this man wont be a replacement and you wont have a happy life anyway.

Please
or
to access all these features

Motb2019 · 26/06/2022 00:33

I think you've missed the point. OP isn't suggesting her stepson needs to eat alone all the time. The point is that her partner doesn't like being around HER children so he expects them to be sent to their room (out of sight, out of mind) by 7.30. But he is fine with his much younger son eating at 7.30 with them and going to bed at 9. It's called favouritism and is a very unfair situation for her the kids. The fact that it's the weekend is irrelevant given that his son is only 5 and her youngest is 8. Why should a 10 year old be banished to their room at 7.30 every night? OP and her partner should be spending time with her children each evening, the same way her step son does on the weekend.

Please
or
to access all these features

Queenofthestress · 26/06/2022 00:33

You have an 8 year old, a 10 year old and a 13 year old and they're going up to bed at 7.30? What the fuck? Heck my 5 year old doesn't go to bed until 8pm

Please
or
to access all these features

ventreàterre · 26/06/2022 03:05

This is (literally) unbelievable.

Why even have children, if you hardly spend any time with them, except on the all-important holidays?

Once you have children, you no longer get to have nearly as much "adult time" with your partner. That's part of the deal of parenthood, for years and years. I'm sure they're well aware that they're not wanted downstairs while you have fun with your partner, and that must hurt, even if they try not to show it.

I can only hope this is pure fabrication.

Please
or
to access all these features

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/06/2022 03:15

Do your dcs do any activities or hobbies? You only get weekday evenings with your kids. You get evenings and all weekend with him. Your dcs should come before a man. Always.

Please
or
to access all these features

Mamana127 · 26/06/2022 07:31

I have three kids of my own and 1 with DP. He tried this before our child together was born, whereas he wants the kids in bed by 7:30 i said NO. He also tried to treat the our child together differently and I said NO. My children are guided by the same rules. At dinner time we ate around 6pm if he was around he ate with us if he wasn’t we ate without him. He tried to ask me to feed kids first and wait for him and I said NO!
I told him I wasn’t going to sacrifice my time with my kids to “fit us time” family dinner time is so important to me and my children. Each take turns to cook with me while one lays the table all while we chat.
Dinner time is my time with my children to catch up on each other’s day and laugh. I’d never sacrifice that!
They then read with me for 15 minutes each, then I read a book for all. We pray and they chill in their beds until they sleep. The 12 yr old has a different bedtime 9pm. 7,8&4 all go to bed between 8-8:30.
Not sadly! 🤗 we are not together anymore, I ended it as there was too many red flags for me to ignore towards my kids. My children my life! They are only young once and I will never choose anything over them. My kids went to their dads every other weekend and that was our time together plus the evenings after 9pm. If he didn’t like that he should have come home early to be part of my life as a whole.

Back to question, your kids are in school all day and in bed by 7:30, and are away every weekend what time do you see them and bond with them? He doesn’t like your kids hun and wants nothing to do with them. Start changing the rules and see what happens, either everyone waits and eat with him when he comes back, meanwhile use that time to prepare dinner with your kids/ play with them,etc… Or if your kids prefer to eat earlier sit down and eat with your kids, let him eat alone.
If you allow him to bend rules for his child, then expect he will do it with your child together and that will make your kids feel like second class citizens in their own home.
try and be led by your kids interests and not your partner’s obviously if he can’t cope with your kids being around he will leave but your kids are yours forever and their happiness is paramount.

I told myself very early into the relationship If you raise unhappy kids to please a partner they will know it and when they are older they will stay away from you! by then the selfish cow would probably have been gone and you will end up alone, no kids no partner. So chose! I chose kids he got frustrated most of the time in the end I decided to be alone and raise my children happily.
I’m not saying that is what you should do as everyone is different but start changing all those kids and include your kids then see how he reacts! Also start having your kids every other weekend and explore the world together.
Good luck!

Please
or
to access all these features

Mamana127 · 26/06/2022 07:39

Absolutely unfair and selfish. It won’t work unless she is the sort of woman who must be in a relationship no matter how bad it’s treating her or her kids. The good point though is that she is aware of it and she doesn’t like it. Hopefully she will do something about it and change the rules to include her children and he will push back and leave if she is firm enough

Please
or
to access all these features

Meraas · 26/06/2022 07:58

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 17:21

i can’t have my kids at weekends, their dad would never allow it. That’s a whole other thread. It’s the only time he gets to see them. As I said, I do have them half all holidays.

Do you want the kids on weekends? Then you need to make it happen, don’t your ex have weekends whilst you do the M-F grind so he can work, the cunt.

And I’m glad you’re standing up to your DP, he is being a double standards twat.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?