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AIBU?

Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

335 replies

Leftie202 · 24/06/2022 16:35

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/06/2022 08:10

Do you know what I can't get my head around? Why anyone would give a shiny shit what time and how other people feed their children? Works for you to eat with your children? Crack on. Works for you to eat separately? Crack on. Christ alive, this place is just full of people trying to congratulate themselves on their parenting now.

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StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/06/2022 08:14

And no child should be being 'sent to their room' to allow parents to have quiet time. You're a family. Children need to feel they are part of that unit. They need an appropriate bedtime of course but that's not what OP is describing.

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MrsGrumpyKnickers · 26/06/2022 08:35

i get your point about the different rules for yours or his children but I hate the thought of one child eating on their own. Eating dinner should be a social occasion so why not all eat together, whether it be your children or his son?

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User56785 · 26/06/2022 09:27

MrsGrumpyKnickers · 26/06/2022 08:35

i get your point about the different rules for yours or his children but I hate the thought of one child eating on their own. Eating dinner should be a social occasion so why not all eat together, whether it be your children or his son?

It will be a relief to you that the OP doesn't want this either.

And from tomorrow is eating with her dc, which is what she wanted.

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sassyclassyandsmartassy · 26/06/2022 10:28

perhaps He thinks this is fine because it’s the weekend when his son comes so he doesn’t have school and things, I would just start dishing up food for all of you, including your children at 6.00/6.30 each evening and all eat together without discussing it with him. If he doesn’t feel the need to have a discussion about it, don’t discuss it….

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petmad · 26/06/2022 11:15

As a mum and nanna 7.30pm bedtime is reasonable for all of them especially on a school night weekends and holidays a bit longer. My granchildren 7 and 4 are in bed no later than 8pm on a school night a bit later at weekends and are fed between 4/5 o clock no later this is how its always been. They might not go to sleep straight away my daughters partner sometimes works till 10pm so my daughter will eat with him then or he makes his own he does get breaks inbetween he works from home. If she dosent stick to this the children get grumpy and argumentative. I stick to this rule if im looking after them as i know how difficult it is if you deveate ffrom a routine.

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washingwakeup · 26/06/2022 11:43

As a mum and nanna 7.30pm bedtime is reasonable for all of them


@petmad for 7, 9, and 13yo?? Really?

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Vikinga · 26/06/2022 11:47

Should be the same rule for everyone.

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aloris · 26/06/2022 11:53

"I think he probably wants to spend more time with his since he has him less time ? Do you think it might be that ?"

No, because she never has her children on the weekends, only school days. If they are going up to bed at 7:30, then she likely sees them only a few hours a week, and a lot of that is un-fun stuff like supervising homework. Whereas he gets to hang out with his child all weekend and do fun stuff.

This situation is totally unfair to her and to her children.

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wellhelloitsme · 26/06/2022 12:06

@petmad

As a mum and nanna 7.30pm bedtime is reasonable for all of them

For a 13 year old?!

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Ponoka7 · 26/06/2022 12:09

petmad my 4 and 7 year old GC go to bed for 9 on a school night. They don't have to get up until 7.30, although the 7 year old is always up earlier. I've never understood such early bedtimes, my GC don't finish dance class until 6. It's nice to have summer evenings in the park. What works for you wouldn't work for everyone and suit every child.

We should be around our teens, not giving them less time. It's a tough age to navigate. None of the children are of an age were you couldn't eat in peace, the OP's DP just wants them packed up out of his way.

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petmad · 26/06/2022 12:34

Hi there obviously you tailor it to youre childs needs if theyve no after school clubs and youger than teenage age im older lol as a teenager i still had to go to bed at 7/8pm

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petmad · 26/06/2022 12:37

Bye the way my granchildren are 4 and 7 and ready for bed at that time there always occupied playing games or doing spelling or reading before bed.

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Julz1969 · 26/06/2022 14:40

Sorry your partner doesn't like your kids. It's clear to see, his son is being treated differently than your children. Really at 8 being sent to bed at 7.30? What age is your older children? Surely it should go by children's age on what time they go to bed. Ok weekends can be a little more relaxed around routines and bedtime. Start eating all your meals with your children, it makes the family bound stronger. Get out now while you can before the new baby arrives and he starts making a difference between the new baby and the older kids. They will soon notice he treats the new baby different to how he treats them and it will cause friction.

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Kanaloa · 26/06/2022 16:11

RepublicOfNarnia · 25/06/2022 17:37

I don't think we've ever eaten dinner at home before 7:30/8pm. I always find it amazing people can be fed and watered by 5:30pm

I mean it’s not really that surprising. Everyone has very different lives. When I was working silly early shifts I was in bed too early to be eating at 8pm - I would have been bloated and uncomfortable for bedtime. Whereas when I worked late shifts I often wasn’t even home till 7.30. So everyone does what works for their lifestyle.

I do find it surprising how many people on mumsnet seem shocked and amazed that anyone has a different life than their exact life.

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Kanaloa · 26/06/2022 16:14

petmad · 26/06/2022 11:15

As a mum and nanna 7.30pm bedtime is reasonable for all of them especially on a school night weekends and holidays a bit longer. My granchildren 7 and 4 are in bed no later than 8pm on a school night a bit later at weekends and are fed between 4/5 o clock no later this is how its always been. They might not go to sleep straight away my daughters partner sometimes works till 10pm so my daughter will eat with him then or he makes his own he does get breaks inbetween he works from home. If she dosent stick to this the children get grumpy and argumentative. I stick to this rule if im looking after them as i know how difficult it is if you deveate ffrom a routine.

It’s not a responsible bedtime. It’s ridiculous pandering to the all important man who dislikes your kids and wants to let them know their place - hidden away.

If your grandkids are regularly fed at 4pm they must come right home from school and prepare for dinner and bed. No clubs/friends/playing out. That’s rubbish.

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JaneInTheJungle · 26/06/2022 16:16

My granchildren 7 and 4 are in bed no later than 8pm on a school night a bit later at weekends and are fed between 4/5 o clock no later this is how its always been.

Grand.

But secondary school children don't fit this scenario.

Their schools are further away and they are getting themselves home. They aren't going to be at home at four for their dinner.

They do after school activities and they get a couple of hours homework.

Thirteen year olds are not the same as four and seven year olds.

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Anothernamechangeplease · 26/06/2022 16:31

celticprincess · 25/06/2022 23:15

I can’t get my head round people that eat 7:30/8pm. I’m starving myself by 5pm. My lunch at work can often be 11:45 if I’m on first lunch or 12:30 on late lunch (teacher) and I only have a small lunch like a small ready meal. If I eat too late I can’t sleep. And my kids eat the same as I do.
Single parent. Don’t want to spend time cooking a
meal for my kids, washing up, sorting them to bed and then cooking another different meal for myself and sorting the washing up again.

But most people are still at work at 5pm. If they then have to commute and cook etc, it's inevitable that their evening meal will be later.

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Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 17:19

I can’t get my head around anyone wanting to camp.

But it doesn’t mean I think it’s wrong or silly or anything else negative to want to camp

it just doesn’t appeal nor work for me as a holiday

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Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 17:21

I thought all yesterday hers dragged themselves home at 9pm to then immediately start lesson planning until 3am?! 😂

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Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 17:21

all teachers!

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Laurajane1987 · 26/06/2022 19:59

Firstly for a five year old even at the weekend 7;30/8 is too late for eating dinner and 9pm.seems late for bed.

if your youngest is 8 and in bed by 7:30 how old are the others? For 8, 7:30 is a reasonable bed time on a school night, but even puting the rest to their rooms that early every night they are with you isn't right. You basically don't get to spend any down time with your own kids and you're about to have a baby so it will be even less.
I really think the whole system needs a shake up. Thankfully it's the summer holidays now so the perfect time to maybe change things up a bit.
The problem is every family is different and what worked before has to grow and change with the kids. I assure you the older ones will remember being sent away from you so early and eating so early. It's sad you don't even get to eat together.
Personally id prompt a discussion with all the kids with sd there so he can't wriggle out of it and the kids get to have their say and work it all out from there. Good luck.

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Foggydayz · 27/06/2022 09:46

can you find a compromise so that some family time can be enjoyed by all?

Mon - Thursday, give the kids some healthy snacks and chill time before dinner ( it is terrible for them to have screens after dinner anyway)

Have dinner about 630/ 7 Ish and then some family chill time together after ( a game , a show , whatever ) which stepdad can join while/ after he's had his dinner. So it is still family social time for everyone till 8 ish while you all eat and mingle, but doesnt cut into the whole adult evening.
Then they go up to bed and you two still have time together.

On weekends, same schedule, except you always have to eat together at 630 ( earlier than currently) . And kiddo goes to bed a little earlier than currently to allow you to have time together

Its fair. It allows kids times with their family and adults time alone
You can't do it separately for your kids and his, even if it's weekdays vs weekends

good luck

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wellhelloitsme · 27/06/2022 09:49

Foggydayz · 27/06/2022 09:46

can you find a compromise so that some family time can be enjoyed by all?

Mon - Thursday, give the kids some healthy snacks and chill time before dinner ( it is terrible for them to have screens after dinner anyway)

Have dinner about 630/ 7 Ish and then some family chill time together after ( a game , a show , whatever ) which stepdad can join while/ after he's had his dinner. So it is still family social time for everyone till 8 ish while you all eat and mingle, but doesnt cut into the whole adult evening.
Then they go up to bed and you two still have time together.

On weekends, same schedule, except you always have to eat together at 630 ( earlier than currently) . And kiddo goes to bed a little earlier than currently to allow you to have time together

Its fair. It allows kids times with their family and adults time alone
You can't do it separately for your kids and his, even if it's weekdays vs weekends

good luck

A teenager being sent to bed at 8pm on weeknights so their mum can have 'adult time' every day with her partner is absolutely bizarre.

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Anothernamechangeplease · 27/06/2022 09:56

wellhelloitsme · 27/06/2022 09:49

A teenager being sent to bed at 8pm on weeknights so their mum can have 'adult time' every day with her partner is absolutely bizarre.

What is even more bizarre is that any teenager would willingly go along with this... unless of course they actually feel really uncomfortable around their mum and her partner and actually prefer to have an excuse to stay out of the way!

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