To ask DD to pay towards her lifts home from work at midnight?

[Chocolatetrufflesandcream]

Firstly, I just want to say that I’m happy to give Dd 19 regular lifts to uni, friends etc, as she doesn’t drive, and in her previous job whilst she was still at College, I’d pick her up from work three times a week from the City centre about 11pm.

As you can imagine, it’s not nice to be in the town especially at weekends when there’s the possibility of trouble, as there’s loads of drinking going on obviously.
Dd had said before that she’d look for another job with more suitable hours as she knew I didn’t really want to go into the town late at night and I didn’t like the thought of her waiting outside her place of work for a taxi, and not keen on her getting Ubers.

long story short, she’s found another job she loves, but, again it’s in the town centre and this time she finishes even later, just after midnight.
Dd’s already asking if I can pick her up, but is happy to get an Uber if not.

Now, I don’t want to sit at home worrying again if she’s ok getting home, but also I don’t relish the thought of regular lifts from town so late at night. Im also a bit put out re the cost of petrol when, if she’d got a job where she could get a bus then it’d saving me the money. AIBU to think sod it , she can pay half of what a taxi would cost if she wants me to pick her up so late (after all it was her choice to go for this job) , or should I suck it up and fetch her for free as I’m concerned about her getting home any other way?

I would and do do these kind of lifts nightly. Isn't it the stuff you do as parents to help the kids get set up and move towards independence? Goodness knows it's hard enough once they fledge, why not help where possible now. It's not forever.

Mortified for me are you? … is this a joke? 🙄

thanks anyway, , but when I read a moronic post like yours (which says to me you’ve obviously not either read and digested my posts or UNDERSTOOD my reasoning) then your opinion is absolutely meaningless to me.
P.S If I was ‘stingy’, don’t you think I’d either never give my Dd lifts or charge her every time? Ffs …

@Chocolatetrufflesandcream you are contradicting yourself. On the one hand you say your dd is an adult and perfectly capable of choosing this particular job; yet you are ‘not allowing’ her to use an Uber.

She should crack on and use Ubers. My DDs use them all the time with no problems.

We have to be careful raising daughters not to teach them to be afraid of everything. I know women’s safely is an issue and no one should be taking risks. But I also want to bring up my daughters to live their lives and be confident. I often read about women or girls being scared of going out after dark. I’d hate that for my daughters, who wants to be stuck st home from 4pm in the winter?

When my stepson was getting a job, the one thing we insisted on was that he could make his own way there and get back (I posted a thread a while back about him wanting independence so we started insisting that he do most things for himself).

Even so, we would get woken up at 5am or 1am saying there were no buses/taxis/trains to get him there/back.. because he didn't think about how he was going to travel until the moment arrived.

It depends on the relationship you have with your daughter but if, like our teen, she could benefit from learning a life lesson about taking care of herself then yes, either ask her to pay or get alternative transport.

Would it work to work out how many miles you do, and get her to put the appropriate amount of fuel in your car each time she gets paid?

If you also read my posts p.r.o.p.e.r.l.y., you might understand where I’m come from.

You will ALSO see that I ferry my daughter around on many occasions, and I’m happy to do so.

Is there a ‘bang head here sign’ anywhere? 🙄

I’ve already said (probably on page 2 ) that YES she maybe ought to get an Uber.

It depends on the relationship you have with your daughter but if, like our teen, she could benefit from learning a life lesson about taking care of herself then yes, either ask her to pay or get alternative transport

there is a difference between a 'teen' though as this could be 15/16 to a 19 yo adult. What age was your stepson?

So this is a non issue then, she’s getting an Uber so no need for lifts from you.

Hi op. Yanbu because it is you that is paying for her stubbornness in taking a job that costs you time, effort and money.

So if she pays you or an uber, it may encourage her to take a job that she can get to by bus.

I would charge her. She's an adult and she needs to learn that she has to weigh up the pros and cons of things.

Isn't it the stuff you do as parents to help the kids get set up and move towards independence

yea but 19 yo isn't a kid;it's very much an adult. I think if the offspring on this post was a male the responses be quite different and it be like 'he's an adult/man' .

She’s 19 not 9.. she can get an Uber.

Just mortified for you.
I also find it highly amusing how angry you get with all of those who disagree with your miserliness.
So double mortified for you!
Get a nice little chest like Fagan had in Oliver to put all your little fivers in that you charge your daughter for picking her up.

Exactly! it’s not on for people to think they can just expect parents to ferry them home at unsociable hours, and if they’re earning, why should the parent pay the petrol money all the time?
Just in case someone jumps on me, I’ll reiterate that I DO NOT expect petrol money all the time. The ONLY time I’m considering asking for a contribution is picking Dd up from work at midnight.
Now, if this was the only job she’d been offered, then I’d probably just accept it and collect her without asking for a contribution, but she was also given the opportunity to work the earlier shift in this job (which would’ve enabled her to get home on the bus), but she wanted the late shift so therefore I’m also trying to teach her that she has to realise that her choices don’t mean that mum will always bail her out (for want of a better word)

Coz petrol is more expensive when you pick up after midnight….

To be fair I only get angry with people like yourself who come across as up their own arses and are nasty to me.
You find it ‘highly amusing’ as well do you? So obviously you’re trying to goad.

Go forth and multiply.

You just don’t like being told that you come across as mean. Anyone who has disagreed with you, you have got angry with. Don’t put it out there if you cannot take it.

Ok, let her pay £12 for an Uber then shall I?

@Chocolatetrufflesandcream I see your reasoning but TBH it does seem a bit petty. Charging her is not being done out of your financial hardship, but rather to ‘teach her a lesson’ for choosing the late shift.

Are you hard of understanding? genuine question.

I’ve explained why (about three thousand times it seems) I’ve considered asking for a contribution.
I won’t explain myself again.

Yes! If she’s happy to get an Uber then let her crack on. It’s her money.

Did you miss the bit where I’m a single parent, so an extra £50 a month in petrol (because my Dd wanted to accept a job, and a late shift, she didn’t have to accept) is not something that I can really afford to take on?

You can really see the mummy martyrs on this thread!

having a kid does not mean you have to be at their beck and call for ever more

This young woman is 19 years old! Of course it is her responsibility to figure out how she is going to get home from her job. It was her choice to get this job with these hours.

No way would I be committing to be picking up an adult at these hours all the time. Through the week I have to work and don’t wanna be up in the night driving around. And at week ends I like to socialise with my pals on nights out and have a few drinks so no way am I gonna be ferrying about giving lifts then either.

You are the one who doesn’t like the thought of her getting an Uber!! You are the one worried about this!
So because of this you collect her… and now want to charge her.

<also bangs head on wall>

OP you don’t need to spend any petrol money picking her up because she will pay for Ubers home.

@Chocolatetrufflesandcream

No and you shouldn’t have to either OP

some people on here are really privileged and just don’t get it.