To ask DD to pay towards her lifts home from work at midnight?

[Chocolatetrufflesandcream]

Firstly, I just want to say that I’m happy to give Dd 19 regular lifts to uni, friends etc, as she doesn’t drive, and in her previous job whilst she was still at College, I’d pick her up from work three times a week from the City centre about 11pm.

As you can imagine, it’s not nice to be in the town especially at weekends when there’s the possibility of trouble, as there’s loads of drinking going on obviously.
Dd had said before that she’d look for another job with more suitable hours as she knew I didn’t really want to go into the town late at night and I didn’t like the thought of her waiting outside her place of work for a taxi, and not keen on her getting Ubers.

long story short, she’s found another job she loves, but, again it’s in the town centre and this time she finishes even later, just after midnight.
Dd’s already asking if I can pick her up, but is happy to get an Uber if not.

Now, I don’t want to sit at home worrying again if she’s ok getting home, but also I don’t relish the thought of regular lifts from town so late at night. Im also a bit put out re the cost of petrol when, if she’d got a job where she could get a bus then it’d saving me the money. AIBU to think sod it , she can pay half of what a taxi would cost if she wants me to pick her up so late (after all it was her choice to go for this job) , or should I suck it up and fetch her for free as I’m concerned about her getting home any other way?

@Diverseopinions

??

Come on - it is nice to share in the lives of your adult children.

Yes it is but not at bloody midnight! I am probably a parent who does too much for my dc but I would not be happy or willing to do late night pick ups.

As for the quality bonding time, yes lovely idea but again not at midnight! When my DDs are occasionally out late, they feel bad asking for a lift home from the station, sometimes either me or Dh will collect them, if not they’ll get an Uber.

@Diverseopinions

i have absolutely no desire to have bonding time with my daughter at midnight nor do I care to chat to her about her shift at that hour either.

They’ll get over it. it’s not necessary.

She can get an Uber as per her choice to take this job.

She can get Uber and I can snooze in bed or be out on the town myself with wine in hand.

She has said she’s happy to get taxis. It’s you who doesn’t want her to do that, not her, so I don’t think you can then moan about the inconvenience when it’s you who is insisting she needs a lift.

Also… she is 19 years old and at university. You do know that if she was at uni away from home, she’d be getting herself home completely independently without your input? She is an adult now so I think you just need to treat her as one and ease off on the over-protectiveness. It’s great that you care but I also think you’re treating her like she’s a much younger teen, rather than a 19-year-old woman.

Is she still at college and this is a little job to earn a bit of money? Or is she working now and not studying, as if so she needs to take responsibility for choosing a job with unsocial hours and pay for her own cab home

Yes, by having a chat with them over a cuppa or spending a bit of quality time with them. Not by treating them like children who can’t be trusted to use a taxi.

Which she was absolutely happy to do

I completely agree, although given the price of fuel, a token contribution might be welcome - she'd have to pay a bus or train fare if it was earlier in the day.

And why do you all think Ubers are so great and safe? There's no way I'd want my 19 year old getting one on her own at all, but definitely not at that time of night.

Sounds like she needs to find a job closer to home if it's feasible. Or with daytime hours.

Not by treating them like children who can’t be trusted to use a taxi

it's not the kids who aren't trustworthy...

OP is there a local taxi firm you have confidence in? For example I always use the same one for airport runs and know the owner. I'd be less concerned about my dd going in one of their taxis as they send you a text with the car reg and the driver name, so you know exactly who they are getting in with (and for what it's worth, they are registered and DBS checked - I know that only shows they've not been caught yet, but better than an unlicensed and unchecked Uber driver).

@riesenrad

most 19 year olds are off at uni doing far riskier things then get into an Uber. You have to cut the aprons sometime you know.

Uber drivers are all licensed/ they must have a private hire licence.

No I wouldn’t charge. If I told my DD I’m picking her up and not letting her get an Uber when she’s happy to do so then that is on me.

my dd is nearly 19, and I would worry if she was getting Ubers/taxis very late at night in a city centre, the worry switch doesn’t automatically turn off when they reach 18. I do a lot for my dd because she’s my child, it’s just automatic and is something that will naturally change and become less as she matures more and her circumstances change. I couldn’t just think ‘she’s an adult now, so she’s on her own’!

I’d been living in my own place for 2 years by the time I was your DD’s age. Stop infantilising her and let her get an Uber home.

@TildaRae

most 19 year olds are off at uni doing far riskier things then get into an Uber. You have to cut the aprons sometime you know.

Only OP knows the location around the job and how edgy or dangerous it would seem to be.. It might be a late night shop, but it might be a pub or night club.

I could understand how the hospitality industry and it's sociable vibe might appeal to a young person and they might see the skills required a good match for their strengths and interest in people . I'm not for making young adult kids do any job which bores them because it is easy to get to and from. My generation were encouraged to self-actualise and àspire to job fulfillment, so I don't think it equal for things to be about all drugery and making do, for the young. I think it's nice that the big- little- angels are trying to follow their dreams and learning so much new stuff, that it's good to make some things, like transport, easier for them.

People who do three year Hospitality degrees at uni have to put up with all these ridiculously late nights when they graduate and work in hotels. It goes with the industry. And I don't think it is frivolous to choose this industry, if you are practical and good at busy environments, and, like an Apprentice sort of contestant, a bit entrepreneurial. But it is unfair that these hardworking young adults should be at the prey of unscrupulous types - bothersome or worse - as they wait outside their place of work for a cab to come. I'd want to encourage any of these youngsters to follow their passion work-wise, and I think that what one poster said about using a family run cab firm is great. When the same cohort of drivers is used, and they know you and you them, and the boss always answers the phone, it's better.

I like to have a pyramid of priorities and put safety issues at the top. I'd rather fetch the DD and know she's safe, and be pleased she's not embarrassed to ask Mum to get her, and pull back the favours by getting her to do something really angst - saving, like the ironing and dog walking.

Yanbu because it is you that is paying for her stubbornness in taking a job that costs you time, effort and money.

However, this is completely the opposite of what happened.
Fetching her from work has only reared it's head because the OP was insisting upon it. (She has since changed her mind, but that is how the thread started).
The dd was expecting to take an Uber or a taxi but the OP doesn't want her too.

I am also confused by OP changing your story back and forth from 'not being able to afford the petrol' to 'I give her lifts all the time and don't ever charge her'.

I wasn’t ‘insisting’ on anything.

I’m also not changing my story, obviously I’m happy to try and help my Dd out by giving her lifts when I can, but, as I’ve already explained umpteen times, there’s got to be some kind of line drawn as to how many lifts I’m prepared to do before it comes to the point I’m noticeably out of pocket, especially as petrol prices have risen so drastically!
and to reiterate once again, Dd chose a job she didn’t have to choose, and chose the late shifts in said job ( again that she didn’t have to accept as she could’ve gone for the earlier shift, where she could get the bus home), so surely it’s fair for her to contribute towards petrol if I pick her up. She’s happy to pay £12 for an Uber, so she’s not losing out by contributing much less than that towards my petrol.

Do you grasp this now? 🙄

How many more times do I have to explain, I’m not stopping her doing anything!

I’d RATHER my Dd not get a taxi or an Uber, because I don’t want her having to wait outside on her own, but also I’m not keen on her being in an Uber especially, because I’ve heard about it’s reputation. On saying that, I understand that life is full of risks and hopefully my Dd will always be picked up by someone who she’ll be safe with.

I’ve previously said that yes if she wants to get an Uber then that’s her choice. Dd however asked me the other night if I could pick her up, so obviously she’d rather go home with me, but I was trying to make her see that if she’s willing to pay an hours wage for a taxi home, then she should understand that my picking her up on a regular basis will be costing me a lot in petrol.
This means, if she contributes then I’m not out of pocket for her choices, and she’s also benefiting because the taxi would cost her more than double to get home.

It’s also hardly ‘infantilising’ her to pick her up, especially as she’s asked me to!