To ask DD to pay towards her lifts home from work at midnight?

[Chocolatetrufflesandcream]

Firstly, I just want to say that I’m happy to give Dd 19 regular lifts to uni, friends etc, as she doesn’t drive, and in her previous job whilst she was still at College, I’d pick her up from work three times a week from the City centre about 11pm.

As you can imagine, it’s not nice to be in the town especially at weekends when there’s the possibility of trouble, as there’s loads of drinking going on obviously.
Dd had said before that she’d look for another job with more suitable hours as she knew I didn’t really want to go into the town late at night and I didn’t like the thought of her waiting outside her place of work for a taxi, and not keen on her getting Ubers.

long story short, she’s found another job she loves, but, again it’s in the town centre and this time she finishes even later, just after midnight.
Dd’s already asking if I can pick her up, but is happy to get an Uber if not.

Now, I don’t want to sit at home worrying again if she’s ok getting home, but also I don’t relish the thought of regular lifts from town so late at night. Im also a bit put out re the cost of petrol when, if she’d got a job where she could get a bus then it’d saving me the money. AIBU to think sod it , she can pay half of what a taxi would cost if she wants me to pick her up so late (after all it was her choice to go for this job) , or should I suck it up and fetch her for free as I’m concerned about her getting home any other way?

Can she ride a bike home?

Dear OP this is great that your daughter is so independent at 19! You should be proud and happy and let her flourish. Of course it’s normal to to worry. Let her get a taxi but also let her know you’re on hand to call in emergency.

Honestly so many teenagers do not have their shit together. The fact that your daughter does is amazing. Obviously talk to her about the dangers but you can’t look out for her all her life so help her look after herself.

She's 19 she can taxi or uber surely

Or cycle

Do you seriously think it’s safe for a 19 year old to cycle home from a town centre after midnight on a weekend ? 🙄

yes that’s already been established

Thank you, I’m proud of her 🙂

And that’s how my parents in law started. How it’s going- sil in her 20s booked flights home to a nearby town because it’s cheaper and still expects parents to pick her up, an hour drive one way for a midnight pick up.

I wouldn't charge her OP especially as it's a part time job. It is logical that she would work in a town centre TBH as this is where most employers would be. Could she not just catch a bus?
With some posters young people can't win, they don't get a job they are lazy free loaders, they do get a job and the hours are wrong and they are selfish ( not you OP,)

Uber or cab is the right answer, and teach her safe late night fares for young women - send you or a friend a screenshot of the Uber details or photo of the number plate before leaving in it. Of course you
can give her the occasional lift but that’s a caring favour she should appreciate not a requirement. This is an excellent opportunity for her to own the consequences of her decisions and also understand economic impacts - I imagine the cab will eat the last hours worth of her pay so she can learn that the pay rate and hours aren’t the only part of the equation.

What the actual fuck?

I don't know anyone, either from my own peer group growing up, or the peer group of the current batch of teens we have (4 between us) who pays their parents for a lift home.

If you think that's rare, or fake, or saintly or whatever, YOU are the odd one out.

If it's not convenient for me to give a lift, I don't. Teens then can choose to sort themselves out or not go. And I expect some reciprocal help when asked. But I don't take money from them... what would be the point it'd be straight back out of my pocket being spent on them anyway.

How unfortunate for your PIL. Ours get their licenses and start driving themselves as soon as they can. Then figure out how much fuel costs and opt for jobs closer to home.

OP you’re being super overprotective. At 19 I had moved 3000 miles away to go to uni and lived in a big city. At 20 I moved abroad where I knew no one. It was absolutely fine. This only feels like a big deal because you’re completely coddling her.

@BMW6 how many years are you going back? I wouldn't expect employers do this now. When I interviewed for a bar staff role a few years ago (that finished at 10pm) the manager asked me if I had sorted out how I would get home and that he couldn't hire me unless I had this in place.

OP, you're not being dramatic to be worried about ubers. There are genuine risks, especially for a 19yr old. Also, I don't think 19 is old enough to be regarded as an adult in this context. Shes not a child, not a teenager, but she's also not an adult. She's a young person who is vulnerable late at night.

As for charging for the lifts, I'd say it depends how much she earns. If she's on a low wage I might charge her a very small amount, just because its so late and also petrol, but it would be based on how much she earns really. I'd not charge her much.

If you're financially comfortable I wouldn't charge her at all. It would be more about the inconvenience of you having to drive out to the city centre late at night, so I'd have a discussion with her about whether she can get a job that's closer to home/more accessible/more sociable hours.

What is her job anyway? I'm guessing its something in hospitality/bar work? If it was something she wants to pursue I'd see it as more important that she keeps this job and would facilitate her to do so. If its just a job I would tell her that she really needs to get something that's more convenient.

Having said all that, you did make it clear that she's happy to get an uber and it's you who wants to pick her up. You can't really insist on picking her up because you're worried about her but then demand that she pays you. Although, if she really is happy with getting an uber and paying for it herself (assuming she didn't just say this hoping that you would step in and say you'd pick her up) then you picking her up in a nice safe car and charging half the price is a good deal for her.

Sorry, I've not really given you an answer have I? 😂

OK...

Charge her a small fee. No more than half of what an uber would charge. Try it for a while and if its not working for whatever reason have a chat about other jobs she can do. But don't fall into talking about your 19yr old as if they're a fully fledged adult, like so many mumsnetters do. She's still your daughter and she's still not fully grown up, so imo you should do whatever you can to support her with her life.

I know a parent will always have the view that she is always my child. But you can't say she's not an adult at 19. Millions of 19 year olds are at uni at the other end of the country. Plenty of others have left home. Plenty have their own child.
At what age would you say she is a fully fledged adult?

I wouldn't do give lifts regularly at midnight. One off fine, not regularly. You've admitted you are a complete over-worrier. Glad you've finally agreed to Uber until she passes test.

I find anxious over-worriers really irritating. I've got it with all of ds2's friends mothers atm, not letting them do things. I actually think it's becoming more of a serious problem. It's poor parenting, damaging.

Why not just let her get an uber?

@Chocolatetrufflesandcream

Just in case anyone hasn't pointed this out, you've made it onto the Mirror Facebook page..

...

The mirror now, rather than the sun? I hate it when papers print mn threads.

Why not read the thread before posting?

I’m not ‘not letting her do things’, my Dd has her own mind and it was she who asked me for a lift originally. She knows I’m not keen on her travelling on her own in an Uber or a taxi late at night (I’d say many parents would feel the same) and so I didn’t want her to feel as if I’m a free taxi home at such an inconvenient hour.

As I’ve previously said, I give her lifts all the time whenever she wants them usually, (and I never expect petrol money) , but to come out at night as well made me feel like I needed to draw the line somewhere.
A bit cheeky of you to claim it’s ‘poor parenting’ too.

Blimey, I only posted on here for a quick response and didn’t expect it to be posted anywhere else!

Ah, so you agree that fuel costs money then?

But you wouldn’t expect your dc’s to contribute a small amount towards petrol if you’re giving them a lift from work at midnight on a regular basis? (remember, I’ve already pointed out I’m happy to and I do give my Dd ‘free’ lifts all the time at more sociable hours)

You also say that if it’s not convenient for you to give a lift, they would either not go or sort themselves out.
So basically, you’re trying to put me down for CONSIDERING asking my Dd for a contribution for petrol (only at that inconvenient time of midnight), but I’m the parent whose prepared to go out and pick her up, which would also save her having to pay twice as much for an Uber.

Where as you, on the other hand, are happy to let your dc’s either forfeit somewhere they need or want to go to, or will happily let them pay for an expensive Uber or drive themselves (which will cost them fuel, as you’ve already admitted) rather than do them a favour.
So you’re not really in a position to judge me are you?