To ask DD to pay towards her lifts home from work at midnight?

[Chocolatetrufflesandcream]

Firstly, I just want to say that I’m happy to give Dd 19 regular lifts to uni, friends etc, as she doesn’t drive, and in her previous job whilst she was still at College, I’d pick her up from work three times a week from the City centre about 11pm.

As you can imagine, it’s not nice to be in the town especially at weekends when there’s the possibility of trouble, as there’s loads of drinking going on obviously.
Dd had said before that she’d look for another job with more suitable hours as she knew I didn’t really want to go into the town late at night and I didn’t like the thought of her waiting outside her place of work for a taxi, and not keen on her getting Ubers.

long story short, she’s found another job she loves, but, again it’s in the town centre and this time she finishes even later, just after midnight.
Dd’s already asking if I can pick her up, but is happy to get an Uber if not.

Now, I don’t want to sit at home worrying again if she’s ok getting home, but also I don’t relish the thought of regular lifts from town so late at night. Im also a bit put out re the cost of petrol when, if she’d got a job where she could get a bus then it’d saving me the money. AIBU to think sod it , she can pay half of what a taxi would cost if she wants me to pick her up so late (after all it was her choice to go for this job) , or should I suck it up and fetch her for free as I’m concerned about her getting home any other way?

Fellow worrier here. Also don't like my daughters getting ubers but she uses them. I'd prob be awake tracking the uber lol so I'd prob pick up too. Not unreasonable for her to chip in petrol costs fortune

Some of us can’t help worrying can we!

Sounds a LOT like my parents. They didn’t want me getting my license/driving or getting rides, but wanted me out/working…but didn’t like doing the driving, especially at night or “too far” etc.
Almost charged me rent etc. (and then admitted they took $ I didn’t have access to anyway, they were just asking for rent on top of it).
Got my license in college and they had the same control issues until I moved a few flights away a decade later. We still have issues when we’re in contact, but that is very minimal at this point. (If you heard their version, it would be very different.)

Ffs can’t some people actually READ all the posts?

If you read everything you will see that my Dd is taking driving lessons, have I implied that I don’t want her to drive? NO I haven’t.

Where do you come up with the assumption that it’s me who wanted my Dd out working? Do you not think she’s capable enough to decide for herself what job she does and where it’s located?
If you actually READ my posts you will see that she’s been offered numerous jobs with more sociable hours, and it was her choice to go for one working late at night.

So do you honestly think it’s out of order of me to consider asking her to help towards petrol, considering if I don’t pick her up she’ll pay around £12 for an Uber?
Remember also that I’ve stated a few times that I’m happy to ferry her around without expecting any petrol contribution, but I don’t want to add to my petrol expense because she’s chosen a job she didn’t need to take (as there were others she could’ve accepted)
And if you think that it’s about ‘control issues’, then you sound like you’ve grown up a spoiled brat.

and not keen on her getting Ubers

why exactly? She is an adult, let her make her own way home.

She needs to be an adult. And I know it’s hard as fuck but most kids who go to uni at that age would be 100s of miles away from their parents doing whatever (and whoever) they like. Sometimes putting themselves in danger and it’s anxiety inducing but it’s how we learn. I feel like it built me

this I was living alone 100s of miles from parents at 19 and would often be out and about until all hours gallivanting across the city at night. So were many people of that age, Take a step back op, you can't wrap them in cotton wool;if she was 16 I'd understand but she's a woman.

So do you honestly think it’s out of order of me to consider asking her to help towards petrol, considering if I don’t pick her up she’ll pay around £12 for an Uber?

Yes, because you are conflating issues.

If you are happy to give lifts for free at 'sociable' hours, it doesn't make sense that you feel the need to charge for the fuel at 'unsociable' times. You either need the money for fuel or you don't. Timing shouldn't be relevant.

It reads like she has to pay you for the favour of picking her up at midnight. Not a contribution to fuel.

I would also not like to do midnight pick ups! So your decision to go with an Uber, until she can drive herself, sounds like the right one.

It’s already been established way back that she’ll get an Uber. Of course she’s an adult and capable of getting her own way home, and whilst I’m not going to try and stop her from getting an Uber if that’s what she wants, forgive me for not relishing the thought of her travelling on her own late at night from a busy town centre.

forgive me for not relishing the thought of her travelling on her own late at night from a busy town centre

I did at that age, also is it a town or a city? There is a difference.

I think it would be better you picking her up instead of supporting Uber, who after all have a track record of adherence to rules almost as bad as those in number 10.

I think that your DD should contribute towards fuel costs, perhaps by paying for your car to be fuelled on a regular basis. Say once a month.

My Dd goes out all the time too, but the difference is I know (well I believe) she’s always with her friends and not waiting outside a place of work alone in a busy city centre late at night.
What’s more, your parents probably weren’t as worried as they didn’t know where you were, so didn’t visualise you standing alone waiting for a taxi at night if you see what I mean .

It’s actually a City, but we tend to say town centre. I’ve no idea of your age, but there’s probably five times more crime in my area than there was when I was 19. In other words, it’s a more dangerous place nowadays.

Don't you have work in the mornings? 11pm onwards is very late to leave the house to go picking her DD up

My Dd goes out all the time too, but the difference is I know (well I believe) she’s always with her friends and not waiting outside a place of work alone in a busy city centre late at night

my parents often believed I was doing x also but truthfully when they weren't around I did the opposite.

What’s more, your parents probably weren’t as worried as they didn’t know where you were, so didn’t visualise you standing alone waiting for a taxi at night if you see what I mean

ok i hear you but I just think you are making a deal with the devil going to collect anybody on a regular basis. To be truthful I had to leave at 19 because my parents were fiercely overbearing; that's how it can be. But it's for this reason I think after 18/19 most people should move out and be gone for some time or it just becomes too much clashing with parents. They need these years to find their independence and with parents around this can be a challenge.

It’s actually a City, but we tend to say town centre. I’ve no idea of your age, but there’s probably five times more crime in my area than there was when I was 19. In other words, it’s a more dangerous place nowadays

I'm 36, this was 2005 so not that long ago and yes back then people said the exact same thing ''there's far more crime now than ever before, the world is now a different place...,''

In 30 years time your daughter's generation will be saying it.

I’ve no idea of your age, but there’s probably five times more crime in my area than there was when I was 19. In other words, it’s a more dangerous place nowadays

I also recall my parents and auntie saying this to my older sister and 1st cousin who were 19 when they went out at that age. This was 1994.

I get what your saying, but whilst I’m happy to help her out with lifts, there’s got to be some kind of line drawn, especially since petrol prices are going through the roof.

As I’ve said before, she’s been offered a number of jobs but chose this one. Do you think it’s fair that because of that, I have to find probably an extra £50 a month in petrol, which I wouldn’t have to do if she’d chosen a job she could get home from easily on the bus?
Bear in mind that if she’d accepted earlier hours, even with this particular job she’s started, she could have got the nearby bus from the City centre home. But my Dd was happy to agree to work the later shift.

And that’s probably because it’s true! … crime has got worse and worse over the years, that’s pretty obvious.

Do you think it’s fair that because of that, I have to find probably an extra £50 a month in petrol, which I wouldn’t have to do if she’d chosen a job she could get home from easily on the bus

50 a month isn't what would irk me although yes agreed it's quite a sum and she should pay, but it's the fact I'd to sit up so late waiting to lift her home. It's the commitment.

I agree that that does irk me too.

And that’s probably because it’s true! … crime has got worse and worse over the years, that’s pretty obvious

It was always dangerous though, there will always be crime. It never was and never will be safe so even in 05 I wasn't safe but I still went out at night with no adult looking out for me. So did millions other my age across the world away from parents-it's called being an adult and growing up.

You didn’t lesson to what I’ve already written. Your parents weren’t worried because they didn’t KNOW where you were! Don’t you think my Dd goes out nightclubbing etc? Of course she does, but I don’t KNOW which nightclub she’s at so I don’t worry so much.
There’s a difference between KNOWING your dc is probably waiting alone and not knowing where they are.
Oh, and you don’t need to be so patronising.

You’re 36 so I’m guessing you don’t have dc’s out in the town centre alone at night …… oh dear, one day you may just be eating your words when you’re worrying about them!

Thank you, I’m baffled why some people think it’s a big deal asking for a small contribution.

You’re so worried about her getting home safely that you want to charge her for collecting her. Honestly one of the stingiest posts I have ever read on here. Free pickups at certain hours but charging after midnight coz you are “so worried” about her getting home. I can’t get my head around charging your daughter a fiver a pickup. Mortified for you.