To ask DD to pay towards her lifts home from work at midnight?

[Chocolatetrufflesandcream]

Firstly, I just want to say that I’m happy to give Dd 19 regular lifts to uni, friends etc, as she doesn’t drive, and in her previous job whilst she was still at College, I’d pick her up from work three times a week from the City centre about 11pm.

As you can imagine, it’s not nice to be in the town especially at weekends when there’s the possibility of trouble, as there’s loads of drinking going on obviously.
Dd had said before that she’d look for another job with more suitable hours as she knew I didn’t really want to go into the town late at night and I didn’t like the thought of her waiting outside her place of work for a taxi, and not keen on her getting Ubers.

long story short, she’s found another job she loves, but, again it’s in the town centre and this time she finishes even later, just after midnight.
Dd’s already asking if I can pick her up, but is happy to get an Uber if not.

Now, I don’t want to sit at home worrying again if she’s ok getting home, but also I don’t relish the thought of regular lifts from town so late at night. Im also a bit put out re the cost of petrol when, if she’d got a job where she could get a bus then it’d saving me the money. AIBU to think sod it , she can pay half of what a taxi would cost if she wants me to pick her up so late (after all it was her choice to go for this job) , or should I suck it up and fetch her for free as I’m concerned about her getting home any other way?

@Chocolatetrufflesandcream

yeah let her get an Uber! Most sensible solution. What the issue with that OP?

OP, your daughters been a bit of a brat. She clearly knows rightly her mum won't want her to get taxis (given they've had this actual discussion already) and she's still gone ahead and taken a job that would put her mum out even more. And has again asked for a lift. The saying she's happy to get Ubers etc is pointless when she knows her mum doesn't want her to and will worry.

She's been very selfish. I'd be tempted to charge the full £12 an Uber would cost and she can learn that actions have consequences and you can't just swan about assuming everyone will follow suit.

@LuckySantangelo35 the OP says in her opening post that her dd is ‘happy to get Ubers’ it hardly sounds like she’s demanding lifts. This is a complete non issue.

@Chocolatetrufflesandcream

what is the issue with Ubers OP?

best solution all round

I think you should pick her up for your peace of mind and hers, and so she knows that you are always ready to do it. If you don't do it, she may get the feeling that it's awkward to ask, and there might come a time when she takes a risk, in a different situation, so as not to bother you: she might walk from somewhere.

She is still young, and it is time that you can treasure and look back on. The two of you together, in the car, chatting about her work.

I think there are other ways to get some money - asking for a contribution for something at home, or that she cooks some meals for you, if she has time. Happiness in her job and your peace of mind are priceless.

Thank you, that’s the point I was trying to get across!

@Diverseopinions

“She is still young, and it is time that you can treasure and look back on. The two of you together, in the car, chatting about her work.”

Eh what’s so precious about that?!

honestly on mumsnet there is this weird idea that when your kids grow up you should prostate yourself and bend over backwards for them as you should be so grateful that they deign to even talk to you. It’s batshit.

as for “always being ready” to give lifts. Do you never go out yourself in the evening? Never fancy a few glasses of wine? I’m not going to modify my behaviour just in case my ADULT daughters decides she wants a life. Her choice to accept this job, she can get Ubers. End of.

Precisely! There are a few martyrs on here it seems .
I can think of a few other words too

@Diverseopinions

what about OP’s happiness ?

She does know about my concern for getting taxis on her own, and she does know I’m soft, so it has crossed my mind that she could be thinking ‘oh mum will come and collect me’ , although she wouldn’t tell me that!

Kids give you a lot of happiness. Seeing them happy and thriving makes us happy.

Young adults are still quite vulnerable in the late teens and early twenties. Things can bother them which wouldn't bother us. They can have relatively extreme reactions to things going wrong . They haven't gained the awareness to navigate job opportunities to get what they want: any little bit of help from us can make their transition into adulthood smooth and enjoyable.

The OP is asking, as they feel conflicted, so I'd say help with something which concerns safety, but try to get some help from her and contribution for something else.

And it is lovely mother and daughter time to share and look back on fondly....and to be included in her early forays into the world of work.

Thanks Diverseopinions, but my Dd is never backward in coming forward if she wants to ask me if she wants or needs something.

We often chat with each other, there’s no need to make the car the ‘treasured time’ to chat! Besides, whenever we’re in the car she tends to stick her earphones in anyway and listen to her music!

And I agree with all LuckySantangelo35 says

I’ve just seen this post after replying to your other one … sorry but WTAF?

There is really no right or wrong answer to this one.

My user name is Diverse opinions because I like Mumsnet and the way it supplies multiple shades of opinion and perspective. I can't give every shade of opinion in my answer, because I'm one person, but it's interesting to take on board every valid view. And I'm thinking older kids like this one are more vulnerable than are we, so we can give them a big help - and perhaps when we are eighty years old and vulnerable and more lonely - and tiresome, they will give us a big helping hand.

When I was teen I had a job in the cinema. Late finishes were often after 11 on a weekend. The Vienna would arrange taxis for staff finishing late for a nominal fee of £1.

Enough with the patronising please!

My Daughter’s happiness is absolutely paramount to me! I’ve been there every step of the way throughout her life (as most parents are for their kids), encouraging her, laughing with her, listening to her, looking out for her safety etc etc etc

I don’t need a parenting lesson on talking to my Dd in the car, we talk all the time!

I think some companies still do arrange lifts, but this one doesn’t.

@Diverseopinions

What?! I’m sorry but this just sounds so wet

@Diverseopinions

or perhaps they won’t.

Maybe they’ll put you in a nursing home regardless of how much you martyr yourself for them when they are teens/young adults.

honestly you wanna enjoy yourself whilst you can! Don’t make yourself available to your adults children 24/7 - go out with your pals, have a few cocky t’s, let your hair down!! You’re a person not just a mother - as is OP as am I. It’s motherhood not a lifelong bloody prison sentence

Taking everything into consideration, I think doing the lifts, and asking for a financial contribution is probably the best sort of compromise.

If OP worries about DD waiting around for a cab, then it might be difficult to switch off and sleep, in any case.

What's wrong with her getting taxis? I've been getting late night taxis/Ubers alone since I was about 16.

She can always share her location with you when getting into the taxi so you can track her way home

@Diverseopinions

what if OP doesn’t want to give lifts? What if she has her own plans ?

I think it is a huge imposition to collect at 12 several nights a week.

I think thatvis simply too much.

I think the Uber is a reasonable solution.

It might encourage her to look for a job that has more reasonable hours.

Years ago friends of mine gave me the tip to encourage my children to only accept jobs that they could get to independently.

Good advice as I do enough taxiing and part time jobs on top of that would simply be too much IMO.