To ask DD to pay towards her lifts home from work at midnight?

[Chocolatetrufflesandcream]

Firstly, I just want to say that I’m happy to give Dd 19 regular lifts to uni, friends etc, as she doesn’t drive, and in her previous job whilst she was still at College, I’d pick her up from work three times a week from the City centre about 11pm.

As you can imagine, it’s not nice to be in the town especially at weekends when there’s the possibility of trouble, as there’s loads of drinking going on obviously.
Dd had said before that she’d look for another job with more suitable hours as she knew I didn’t really want to go into the town late at night and I didn’t like the thought of her waiting outside her place of work for a taxi, and not keen on her getting Ubers.

long story short, she’s found another job she loves, but, again it’s in the town centre and this time she finishes even later, just after midnight.
Dd’s already asking if I can pick her up, but is happy to get an Uber if not.

Now, I don’t want to sit at home worrying again if she’s ok getting home, but also I don’t relish the thought of regular lifts from town so late at night. Im also a bit put out re the cost of petrol when, if she’d got a job where she could get a bus then it’d saving me the money. AIBU to think sod it , she can pay half of what a taxi would cost if she wants me to pick her up so late (after all it was her choice to go for this job) , or should I suck it up and fetch her for free as I’m concerned about her getting home any other way?

@Soontobe60 shes not taking ‘someone’ home. It’s her daughter. She’s not an unpaid taxi driver taking her daughter home.
no need to be so aggressive with the pathetic response. Kindness always ✌🏻

Crazy. My parents never had a car. I always made my own way home from anything. Walk, cycle, bus, taxi. Whatever was appropriate.

She's an adult. She can get herself home. Stop infantalising her.

I might add that my parents used to collect me at all hours all over the place so I guess I’m just used to that I suppose. It made me feel safe to know they would be there at the drop of a hat. Not in a taking advantage way, they just preferred to do that than me get taxis and what not

OP for some peace of mind your DD can share her UBER trip with you - so when she gets in the car you will know where she is and can follow her - perhaps that might be a compromise.
Your DD could also research as some Ubers / companies will offer female drivers for solo women travelling .

I’m not happily spending anything.

‘kindness always’
that’s a bit rich coming from you and your snarky comments

I’m sorry but if you don’t want honesty you shouldn’t ask. That’s my honest opinion. Up to you to do what you want to with your own daughter.

I do get where you're coming from OP. But like a few others have said, at 19 I was at Uni, and I'd be on nights out trying to get home later.

You've mentioned yourself that she's been offered jobs which are easier to get to. Personally, it wouldn't have entered my head to apply for a job where I couldn't guarantee getting myself home. Given you have discussed this with your daughter and she then took a job with an even later finishing time, it doesn't paint her in the best light. Perhaps she knew you'd do the lifts no matter what, so in that case it might be best to take money from her, as what she is done isn't really fair. But then it's more of a punishment isn't it, rather than teaching a lesson. The lesson would probably be to let her sort it herself, perhaps after a while of forking out for a taxi the novelty of this job might wear off! Although if she's close to passing her test then I suppose it's all quite short term anyway

I probably wouldn't charge her but I would hope that she would do more chores around the house as a bit of a way of saying thank you.

I wouldn't expect her to pay for lifts as the petrol cost wouldn't be the issue. However, picking her up so late after work would be annoying!

At 19, I'd be giving lifts home from a job (if no bus), but social stuff? No.

But that's the thing - different people, different beliefs, priorities, circumstances.

OP - you do you - what feels right for YOU? Trust yourself, not internet randoms like me.

It's nor clear from your post what the charge would change. So you don't like going into town late at night (fair enough) and you think 11pm onwards is too late (also fair enough). But how does charging her for the list solve that? As she is ok with getting an uber/taxi then I don't see the problem tbh. My only concern would be is she likely to walk it to save money?

I wonder if my mum was tying herself up in knots when I was in uni at 19 and working in a pub? Or going out all night and getting cabs and night buses home?

It's weird though. I never worry about my DC when they aren't here, they are perfectly capable of looking after themselves. But when they are home I find myself worrying much more because I can 'see' what they are doing. Stupid really

There is zero logic to not wanting your kid to get a taxi/Uber and not wanting to pick them up either.

It's really weird and controlling behaviour.

Let her get the uber/taxi you will always worry about her so you ime need to get used to it ,

Probably because it may cost me about £50 a month in petrol just to pick her up from a job.
it doesn’t matter now as I’ve agreed that Dd should make her own way home by Uber.

Well if you're stupid enough to be a taxi service for an adult child then more fool you.

Im glad someone can see it from my perspective!

I can completely see it from your perspective @Chocolatetrufflesandcream !! And I can't see how so many people wouldn't be annoyed with this?!

Factoring in how you get there and back is a big part of getting any job, regardless of how much she thinks it's 'the place to be' your DD shouldn't have taken it when she knew there was no way for her to get home so late except a lift from you. She already knew you were annoyed enough about 11pm.

I'd be leaning on her heavily about her driving lessons, taking her out to practice etc. That's the best solution, even if she doesn't have her own car she could presumably borrow yours to drive herself to and from work on that evening.

I wouldn’t even consider collecting her after work at 19! she’s an adult and getting yourself too and from work is part of life.

Weird and controlling behaviour is it? To want to know my daughter is safe? Nice 🙄

if you said I’m over worrying, then yes you’d probably be right. But I’m no way controlling, and Dd does whatever she wants to.

SHE IS HAPPY TO GET A TAXI

If you insist on picking someone up, it's frankly batty to get annoyed when they ask you to!

There is zero logic to not wanting your kid to get a taxi/Uber and not wanting to pick them up either.

It's really weird and controlling behaviour.

I completely disagree with you @Clymene . Lots of women are wary of using taxis alone, many wouldn't be happy at the thought of their 19yo daughter travelling home alone at that time, particularly regularly.

When I used to do nights out with friends, we even used to be wary leaving the last person alone to do the final bit of the journey once we'd all been dropped.

OP just wants her daughter to have a job with less anti-social hours so she can use normal modes of transport to get to and from it rather than one that leaves her waiting up until past midnight, either to pick her daughter up or to hear that she gets in.

She is still in education so I assume her working is saving you some money supporting her through education, so I wouldn’t charge her as long as she is doing everything she is able to expedite learning to drive to be more independent.

I would pick her up sometime and sometimes, let her get an uber.

It's weird and controlling to insist on collecting her, yes.

And what's the difference between an Uber at 9pm and one at midnight?

She's an adult. At 19, my mum had no idea how I was getting home. As long as I was quiet and let her know if I wasn't coming back, it was my issue.

Unless you live in Bogotá or something

Let her. I know it's hard but you need to trust she has thought this through.